Do Doors Get The Munchies?
(Writer’s Note: the pictures connected with this story were not staged by the writer for the benefit of having this story to write. The writer merely came upon an existing situation, had a series of thoughts that are a little off the beaten track and took a few photos.)
It is well-documented that individuals who partake in the smoking of certain plants develop cravings for food, usually junk food such as potato chips and other similar snacks. Even those not partaking are subject to the same cravings if exposed to the second-hand smoke of those who do partake. A truly serious effect of second-hand smoke!
A Local Priest Was Being Honored At A Dinner…
Funny Joke Of The Day
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “You will understand,” he said, “that the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I can say that I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. “The very first man who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and then when he was stopped by the police, he had almost murdered the officer.” There were murmurs in the audience. Everyone seemed surprised. “Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given STDs to his sister.” The audience sat there in shocked silence. No one thought these things could happen in their small community. “I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I knew that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.” Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologizing profusely for being late. He immediately took the stage and began to give his speech. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)In The Days Of The USSR, Two Men Stood In A Long Line For Cucumbers…
Funny Joke Of The Day
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a line for cucumbers. The line was a block long. It wasn’t that they loved cucumbers, but cucumbers were the only food around. Suddenly one of the men snaps. He can’t handle it anymore. “This is an outrage!” he shouts. “Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I’m going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!” He stomps off. His friend thinks about following him, but decides he doesn’t want to lose his place in line. So he stays. He moves a couple feet. A couple hours later, he sees his friend coming back. “Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?” he asks. The first guy responds, “You think this line is long?”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)A Bunch Of Monkeys Go To A Rave. Who Has The Glow Sticks?
Monkey Rave
While monkeys have loved all types of music for decades, there has been a real spike in the popularity of electronic music amongst the primate community. While we’re not entirely sure what this love of electronica genres is due to, the best guess of resident music critics who focus on studying the listening habits of things like monkeys, rainbows, squirrel ninjas and unicorns is that the oomp, oomp, oomp beat of most dance songs just seems to move their souls. Monkeys—like humans—get hooked on that type of music.1. Some Old School Monkey Rave Fan
Just because all the other monkeys love electronica music, means there are a few monkeys who have been going to raves for years, before all the other monkeys caught on. This tends to happen with humans as well—a few people sniff out what is going to be cool years before it actually becomes cool and help keep the movement going. They are better known as trend setters. These trend setters would have been doing things that no one else was doing yet, giving them an arsenal of experience in the rave setting… meaning they may have a backpack full of glow sticks, because they know how much more fun that makes a rave. So look for those monkeys who know how to dance and have back packs.2. The Monkeys hanging by their Tales
Monkeys have the unique ability to hang by their tales from things, meaning they can use hands and legs to move glow sticks to the beat of the music. So any monkeys who are hanging in any way are probably a pretty good place to start looking for glow sticks, because if they are not eating bananas while they hang, they’re going to need something to do.3. The Glow Stick Vendor
Sometimes, at monkey raves, there is a glow stick vendor. This guy is often over run within the first few minutes because of how much monkeys love glowsticks, leading to him making a lot of cash and dropping his supply of glowsticks on the ground for all the monkeys to pick up. However, if you get to the rave early before it starts, you will probably catch the glowstick vendor preparing to start selling his wares. If you do, make sure to buy as many glow sticks as possible—then you can make some extra bananas off the glow sticks yourself, by selling them to dancing monkeys during the rave. — Glow Wands and Swords as low as $1.15!!A Squirrel Goes To Med School …
In honor of Squirrel Appreciation Day
I wanted to take a moment to revisit a classic squirrel story from an episode of M*A*S*H. Hawkeye is telling Radar a story from his days at one of the top accredited Carribean medical schools in this region, please note that Hawkeye had attended various medical schools to diversify his knowledge.This happened while I was in my first year of medical school.
I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They ask questions like “How many bones are there in the hand?” I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, “How many bones are there in the hand?” Then I heard this little voice that said “24.” I looked around the room and there sitting on the window sill of the classroom was this little gray squirrel with a very intelligent face. And he pointed at his hand and said “24.” So I wrote it down. And then after the exam, I rushed over to the library to look it up. And would you believe it? That stupid squirrel was wrong by four bones. I went looking all over the campus for him. I wanted to kill him. I finally found him over on a bench by the Psych department. “You were wrong!” I screamed at him. “There are 28 bones in the human hand!” “Oh,” he said pointing at his hand, “I thought you meant a squirrel’s hand.” HAPPY SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY!
What Is A Goofball?
Well being a goofball and having fun no matter what your doing is a skill that anyone can develop. Monkey Pickles would like to thank everyone that has particpated in our writing contest over the past month. Alot of people showed off their creative talent and we are truely appreicative that so many fans of Monkey Pickles enjoy the everday fun created by the community. All submisisons will be showcased throughout the month of April. We will take our stand as Goofballs United across the globe making people push the pause button on taking themselves so seriuos for 10 mins a day..
Here is our winner for the contest !!!!!! Congrats Nick Jackson Stand by for more contests and all of our goofball fans work over the next the month.
What is a goofball?…
It is hard to pin down isn’t it? Partly because they rarely stay still. Prefering instead to distract you with shiny paper so as to pinch your hat, fill it with whipped cream, duct tape it to your head & tag you repeatedly with their BRWBB causing the cream to squirt out with that universially hilarious ” pfffffft “. Also, some are made of balloons & will pop.
And it is as it should be that for this freeform well meaning spreader of fun & larks shouldn’t be bound by uniform, health & safety or governmental ‘prank request forms’. For the goofball is in all of us … Not in a way that requires an adult or police intrvention but in a healthy way that allows us not to take ourselves too seriously & enables us to cope with the stresses of life.
Now some of you, such as Huntz & myself, may say, ” That doesn’t sound right. Surely you mean small, white, & stroked by a tiger? ”
Well my friend, you are thinking of a golf ball … or a fat clumsy child in some trouble at the zoo.
If you really want see a goofball, find a full length mirror.
Now, if the reflection has wacky clothes, oversized shoes, crazy hair & a spinning bow tie, then it is probably you my friend. If, however, you are then hit by a torent of water from the suspicious reflected button-holed flower, then a clown has escaped from the circus & removed the glass. … You should probably run.
As you flee the changing room for your life , leaving the squeaky footsteps & panicing clothing store assistants behind you, realise that you can take many of those elements to help release your inner goofball … except for the evil. That is just for clowns.
For those of you who see only their usual reflection, this does not mean that you are not a goofball. You might be a fancy big city executive but if your briefcase is occasionally full of springy snakes, you have the power. Or if you are in The Apprentice boardroom and Mr. T. ( hee hee wouldn’t that be fine ) asks ” So, goofy, why shouldn’t I fire you? ” & you answer ” … because I have this pie … & I have to do something with it. “, or ” I pity the fool who doesn’t have a pie in his face. ” or ” No … You’re Pie – ed ” then you have the potential a comedic giant.
You are going to get fired … but with style & the aid of security.
It is not always about throwing the pie, of course. Particularly at Mr.T. ( either of them ). Goofballism ( don’t argue with the science ) is not a malicious state of being. No harm is intended. The goal is to cheer & entertain, often at your own your own expense but you don’t mind. You are too full of fun & positivity to contain it or to safely go out in a thunderstorm. Sure some people will say ” You’re weird ” & if that person isn’t a judge, it’s okay because what they really mean is ” You are a true individual. I envy you. ” And, for all those who back away, the visionaries that befriend you do so with a bond of iron ( Not literally. Those would be handcuffs. ) & deep empathic understanding of your genius.
And so my children ( It’s a metaphor – there’s no allowance ), if that dangerous encouragement does not make you want rush home & change into that grey suit which is a slightly different shade to those of your colleagues, then maybe you should remain a politely applauding spectator.
But if you are already sculpting whipped cream around a balloon & icing HAPPY BIRTHDAY on the top, then The Farce is strong in you & ( with the exception of elderly relatives ) The World needs your power.
Thank you for your time …. It is mine now …. mhaw haw haw
N. Jackson , paperclip auditor.
( Any reference is anything in the real world is purely coincidental & if you think it is that thing, then it isn’t it’s the other one … unless you are thinking of the other thing … in which case it’s the other other thing or a 3rd thing. )
( Also, in the event you act upon any of this …. then this was all a dream & you need to sue cheese & midnight ….. * shimmering dream effect
10 Funny Words That Start With M
Mother of mercy! Wait until you read this list of magnificent words that start with M!
1. Madwoman
A madwoman is a crazy old bat. But the magic of this word is that you can instantly turn any female into a madwoman just by calling her one. Just say “You’re a madwoman!” and watch the sparks fly!2. Maestro
A maestro is an eminent composer or teacher of music. Technically, your kid’s school music teacher could be a maestro, but from the way they were plunking those piano keys at the last music recital … probably not.3. Maledict
This means to put a curse on someone. Be a good witch and don’t do it. Remember … karma.4. Moronic
I was wondering. Can you be a smart person and still do moronic things? Or can morons only do truly moronic things? Maybe smart people can just do regular dumb things? Or is this a case of “When geniuses act like morons”? Either way, it would probably be better to be called a dumb person than a moron. Moron just sounds stupider.5. Muffin Top
This is such a mean word. You take a muffin, and you know the top is the most delicious part. I mean, a whole Seinfeld episode was dedicated to muffin tops. But all of a sudden it’s an insult simply because some women wear jeans with too-tight waistbands and their middle bulges out. Yes, it’s an eyesore. But can’t we call it a muffin puffin? That would be soooo much nicer.6. Munchies
Residents of Colorado and several other states know exactly what this is, because marijuana is legalized and they can smoke pot. This causes the munchies. The rest of us only know about the munchies from reading about it, because pot’s not legal in our states, so how would we know?7. Mmmm
What you can politely say without opening your mouth when you chew.8. Mazy
This is an actual word that means something having lots of twists and turns, like a maze. So the next time your little toddler says something is “mazy,” don’t correct her, because it’s a real word. So there.9. Mane
You can substitute this word for “hair” if you really want to elevate your compliment about somebody’s locks. “Wow, you have a glorious mane!” If they reply, “A main what?” Then you can say, “Main head of hair.” Because in that case, they had no idea what you were talking about, so you have to talk down to them.10. Massive
Massive is one in a chain of words to describe something big. It goes like this: large, big, huge, gigantic, massive, gargantuan. See? Massive is almost at the top of the list, but not quite. Be really careful how you use it, because if you describe something as being massive when it’s really just big, you look like you don’t know what you’re talking about. Kind of like that moronic “mane” girl with the muffin puffin.The Dog Named Sparkles…
This is another wonderful submission from another person being a goofball at Monkey Pickles.
My fingers froze above the keyboard and stayed that way. I tried to push them down but they wouldn’t budge. It was late morning. I had 2 pages written and needed 8 more, but writer’s block had swept in with a vengeance. My evil criminal mastermind stood waiting for me to inject some shred of humanity into his unfailingly dark past. The hero was looking for a flaw or two, anything to make him a bit more interesting.
“Focus,” I shouted to no one but myself, “stay focused.”
Smokey, my 90-pound shepherd/mastiff mix whimpered and covered his eyes with his paws.
I growled at my hands, at the computer, at everything. Writer’s block wasn’t going to get me, not this time. My characters waited. They eyed me suspiciously. They grimaced. They cackled. They called me names. Nothing helped. Still, I would not be distracted by this problem. No, I would not be distracted. I was going to conquer this problem through brute force.
A wet nose slopped against my left arm. Smokey looked up at me with those baby browns, leash dangling from his mouth. A large paw pushed against my thigh. He whimpered softly. His tail wagged twice.
“Go on,” my characters jeered, “you’re useless here. At least you can walk the dog.”
Smokey and I stepped out into the sunshine. Okay, I could stay focused on my story and get this job done at the same time. After three measured steps, he jerked me sideways. His nose just avoided a scraping as he ran this way and that, tail waving high and fast while he tracked some scent or other. I scolded the dog for getting distracted.
We took two more measured steps. He sniffed a bush, evidently enjoying whatever it told him about those who had gone before. Then he lifted a leg and left a message of his own. I sighed. What a bubble brain my dog was! Once that nose of his engaged, he didn’t know the meaning of discipline or focus.
Our heads turned at the sounds of scuffling feet and a ball smacking the ground nearby. The neighborhood kids yelled and waved and continued their basketball game. Smokey strained toward them. I pulled him back. His tail waved once before he turned back to our walk.
We continued together, a few steps ahead, then a tug to one side or the other. The criminal and the hero watched me being tossed in the ocean of my dog’s distractions. They grinned.
I forgot them and just enjoyed a cool breeze filled with the promise of spring. Birds, tiny ones from the sound of their calls, carried out a conversation nearby. Smokey continued his sniffing. We both jumped when the flock suddenly rose from the tree and flew away with all the appearance of a puffy dark cloud.
Back at my desk, my characters waited.
“You’re too serious;” I said, “you need a few distractions.”
My fingers danced across the keyboard. Within minutes they were far too busy to worry about their previous lives or character flaws. I laughed. I cried. I took care of all of that for them. Writer’s block was gone. The world was full of humor and surprise and possibilities.
Smokey’s fur tickled my arm. He leaned up against me angling for some petting. My characters relaxed and waited as we enjoyed another distraction.
Author: Judy Downing
Email: [email protected]
Website: http://www.vapata.com/
Dr. Seuss’s Trash Can, Part 2: Birthday Pickles
Skegness
We found this ancient possibly Seussian scroll wrapped around a portion of fish and chips in Britain’s top holiday destination. Beautiful Skegness, possibly where Dr. Seuss may have spent 2 weeks swapping the Arctic heights of the Narnian Winter for the Arctic heights of the British Summer. Propped against a redundant concrete and kicking back on a mustard yellow beach while obsessing about birthdays, fish ‘n’ chips and Monkey Pickles. A perfect vacation.Birthday Pickles
5 Signs You’re Spending Too Much Money On Dates
Everyone knows that dates can be expensive. Sometimes it’s worth it, and sometimes it isn’t. But there are some people who go overboard regardless. Here are a few telltale signs that you’re spending too much money on dates.
1. Your Credit Card Is Declined For Purchases Under A Dollar.
All you ever wanted was that piece of candy at the dollar store. Yet when you took out your credit card to pay for it, it was declined. This embarrassment could have been avoided had you not used said credit card to pay for all those expensive dinners and concerts.2. Your Dates Have No Income But Are Living In The Lap Of Luxury.
Have you been seeing people you’ve been on dates with driving luxury cars even though they have no job? Are they wearing expensive clothes all over the place? If you can pull your stupid head out of the sand and figure out if this only started once they started dating you, you should be able to realize that maybe you’ve been spending just a bit too much money on your dates with them.3. Your Dates Volunteer Your Money To Various Causes.
Have you been seeing strange withdrawals on your bank account? Do you find yourself receiving thank-you cards from “charities” you’ve never heard of? This just might be because you were spending so much money on your dates that they saw you as a bottomless pit of money and thought that you wouldn’t miss money going to their choice causes. If you could spend all that money on lobster, they figure you probably wouldn’t even notice that a few thousand dollars had been transferred from your bank account to Tortillas for Toads or the Fire Hydrant Fan Club.4. You Don’t Notice Hunger Pangs Anymore.
You wonder why those hunger pangs that used to be so distracting and send you to the fridge right away now have no effect on you. It’s because you’re used to them. See, you spent all the money you had on dates with other people, and then over time you were no longer able to buy food. After you had gone for a few weeks without eating, your stomach adjusted to the situation and the hunger pangs no longer alert you to put something in your stomach. Your stomach just kind of gave up on that happening a while ago.5. You’re Living In A Box.
Have you found yourself kicked out of your apartment because you were unable to pay rent, even though you were making good money? Are you now living on the street and seeking refuge from the elements in a cardboard box? This may just be a sign that you were spending more money than you should have been on dates.Anthony Just Finished A New Book Titled ‘How To Be The Man Of The House’
Funny Joke Of The Day
Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled “How To Be The Man of Your House.” Inspired, he stormed into the kitchen where his wife was and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert.” “After dinner, we’re going upstairs and we’ll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterward, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You’ll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands as I drift off to sleep.” He paused for a minute, then continued. “And tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” His wife didn’t even look up from what she was working on and replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)Can You Eat Too Many Bananas?
You actually can eat too many bananas, but it takes hundreds to be fatal. To get a better idea of their potency and the potential dangers involved, here’s the story of George Trickle.
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George Trickle dreamed of retiring on a beach in the Bahamas, but he was not rich. He had always been a somewhat ruthless type, so he decided the easiest way was to become an assassin. After a few jobs, he could follow his dream. The problem was his fear of guns, so he had to find another way. One day, he heard about a man who died from eating too many bananas, and the wheels started turning. A murder without a weapon — brilliant! George had a plan and only needed a target. He decided to tack an indiscreet note to the bulletin board at a high-end beauty salon. “Murder without a weapon,” his note read. George figured he would find an unhappy wife with a husband in the way, and he wasn’t disappointed. Two days later, he received a call from Delilah Schmoop. She would pay him $50,000 to take care of her husband, Earl. The date was set for the next Monday when she was out of town. George went to work by scouting the house and buying bananas and duct tape. When Monday came, George was ready. He was scared but pushed forward with his mind on the beach. He entered by the backdoor, which was unlocked as promised. George went in and prepared for Earl’s arrival. He hauled the boxes of bananas into the library along with a straight-backed chair borrowed from the dining room. Then he waited. When he heard tires crunching on the driveway, George readied himself behind the door with a club in hand. Earl stepped into the room, shut the door, turned around and took a blow to the forehead. George flipped on the light and found Earl sprawled on the floor. Grabbing his feet, George dragged him to the library and into the chair, where he taped his hands and feet. As he finished, Earl woke up and started yelling. George knew it was time to get to work. Earl was pretty confused when George stuffed the first banana in his mouth. He tried to spit it out at first, but Earl pushed his jaw shut. What the heck, it’s just a banana, Earl thought. So he chewed it a couple times and swallowed quickly. “What’s goin-” he started to ask, but another banana came in as soon as he opened his mouth. It continued in this way for a while. Earl had always enjoyed the occasional banana and didn’t really mind. Maybe this guy just gets some weird pleasure from this. It could be way worse, he thought. Earl decided to humor him and keep eating. After about 30 bananas, Earl was full and feeling a little drowsy. George shook him awake, but after a few more, he was gone. Earl dropped off to sleep with a satisfied grin on his face. (George didn’t know bananas have a small amount of tryptophan. Tryptophan can cause drowsiness in large quantities, the same way it affects people after eating a big Thanksgiving dinner.) George wasn’t sure what to do next. He couldn’t stuff more bananas in Earl’s mouth to choke him because it would leave evidence. He slapped him harder and yelled, but nothing moved the snoozing man. George banged pots and pans next to his ear and blared the television, but still Earl snored. Just as he raised his hand to slap Earl another good one, the door burst open! A concerned citizen had called the cops about all the noise George was making. He saw the officers and turned to run, but he slipped on a banana peel and hit his head. George went to jail in traction, and Earl woke hours later feeling completely rested. Earl’s wife ran off with the gardener. Earl couldn’t eat bananas for years. And George “Banana Boy” Trickle spent the rest of his life in prison, wishing he hadn’t told his cellmates what his crime was.