A Packrat Finds An Old Receipt While Cleaning – Funny Joke of the Day

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Funny Joke of the Day

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He’s a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he’s accumulated a lot of papers. As he’s going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt. “Lustowitz Shoe Repair” it says at the top. He dimly remembers the store, only a few blocks away from his apartment but in a direction that he doesn’t go anymore since he switched jobs. As he looks more closely at the receipt, he realizes that it’s for a pair of shoes he dropped off twenty-five years ago, and completely forgot to pick up. “There’s no way they could still be in business after all this time, is there?” he thinks. He picks up the phone, dials the number, and is shocked when he hears a woman at the other end. “Lustowitz shoe repair!” the voice says. Well the man is shocked, but he quickly collects himself. “Hello! Oh my, I can’t believe you’re still in business! Look, I’m calling about a very old shoe repair receipt, I can’t imagine you still have my shoes, but could you look this up for me? It’s receipt #46352.” “Let me look,” the woman says. There’s a long pause, and just as the man is about to give up hope, she comes back on the line. “Painter?” she says. “Yes,” he replies, “That’s me!” “HAROLD Painter?” “Yes, that’s my name, Harold Painter!” “A pair of black size ten-and-a-half dress shoes?” “Oh my, I cannot believe you still have my shoes! That’s amazing! After all this time, you fixed my shoes and kept them for twenty-five years! Can I come over right now and pick them up?” There’s a pause on the other end of the line. “They’ll be ready two weeks from Thursday.” Funny Joke Source

More Funny Jokes!

Get StarCraft: Brood War FREE!

A Long-Awaited StarCraft Patch

It’s an exciting day for new and experienced StarCraft gamers: The real-time science fiction strategy game and its Brood War expansion are being upgraded with a new patch.

The best part? The original StarCraft game and its expansion are now FREE to download!

Download to install StarCraft and StarCraft: Brood War! [PC] [Mac]

The 1.18 Patch is a long time coming for those who have been die-hard StarCraft fans for years. The updates are extensive, yet retain the original game the developers intended for us to play.

StarCraft, Remastered. Literally.

The StarCraft Patch comes with another big announcement from Blizzard!

StarCraft: Remastered is an overhaul of the original game and Brood War expansion, and features enhanced graphics and new features, without altering the popular gameplay that StarCraft aficionados have come to love over the last 8 years. This new version of StarCraft will feature 1080p cinematics and 4K graphics, while staying true to the original game.

Look for StarCraft: Remastered this summer. Meanwhile, check out the original StarCraft (again, for FREE!) with the new patch today! Look below for a comprehensive list of the patch updates, and happy gaming!

StarCraft: Brood War Patch 1.18 Updates

  • Added windowed fullscreen or windowed mode; use Alt+Enter to switch between.
  • Added UTF-8 support.
  • Added cursor clamping in-game while windowed; unclamped in menus.
  • Added Popular Maps to streamline finding games or game types.
  • Added options to display actions per minute.
  • Added Observer mode.
  • Added opponent information when joining a game lobby.
  • Added autosaving for replays.
  • Added an option to display the game timer.
  • Added UPnP support.
  • Updated to a new OpenGL backend.
  • Improved gameplay responsiveness during multiplayer by increasing turn rate to match LAN speeds over Battle.net.
  • Improved UI layout in Battle.net sections.
  • Improved behavior of available lobbies within the ‘Join Game’ section.
  • Improved compatibility with Windows 7, 8.1, and 10.
  • Improved anticheat capabilities.
  • Improved installation and patching performance.
  • Mac Beta support now available for 10.11 and up.
  • Fixed palette issues to correct rainbow water, 80s Kerrigan face in the loading screen, and other graphic glitches.
  • Fixed problems with LAN game discovery.
  • Fixed IME support and other text artifacts in Battle.net menus.
  • LAN and Legacy Battle.net fixes.

What To Do When You Can’t Sleep

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Not being able to fall asleep when you want to, especially when you’re exhausted, can be the most annoying thing in the world. But never fear! There are a few things you can do rather than tossing and turning all night and feeling like you’re falling further and further into insanity. People may still find it hard to fall asleep, even after they’ve tried all of the ideas listed below. That’s when you should start looking for even more methods, like finding out what the best indica strain for sleep is and purchasing it at the same time. Surely this is should have an impact on how much sleep you’re getting? So go on and give it a go. But not before trying these exciting ideas first.

Walk Your Dog

As much as doing exercise may be the last thing you want to do when you’re tired, your dog will be happy to go for a walk. And you never know who else you could run into out there. Remember your old history teacher, and how you used to fall asleep in his class every day? He is probably so boring that he even bores himself. To the point where he makes himself fall asleep all the time and sleeps too much, and he is now forcing himself to go for a walk in the middle of the night rather than sleep. If you come across this guy, he may just start talking, and that could be just the sleeping aide you need. The only downside is that you may nod off right there with your dog on the sidewalk, and that’ll make the neighbors wonder when they see you fast asleep outside the next morning.

Climb To The Top Of A Mountain

At one point or another, you’ve probably seen imagery of Tibetan monks meditating in tranquil, peaceful mountainous areas. Just thinking about this may actually help quiet down your mind. So if this is the case, wouldn’t actually being in that environment be 100 times more effective? Just drive your car on over to the nearest mountain, and then proceed to climb it so you can get to that mountaintop and find the same peace that those monks seem to have. You may even tire yourself out and zonk out somewhere on the mountainside.

Go Swim In An Ocean

Those guided relaxation and sleeping tapes often include the sounds of waves gently caressing sandy shores, right? If just hearing it can make you relax and maybe fall asleep, just imagine the effect that actually swimming in it can have! Just make sure you don’t actually fall asleep while you’re physically in the ocean. That wouldn’t be good.

Confront Your Greatest Fears

Do you have a fear of heights? Are you terrified of monkeys? Do you have a phobia when it comes to wood, or anything green? There’s no better time than right now to face your fears. Why not? You can’t sleep anyway. Maybe as you’re getting ready to go, the thought of it will freak you out so much that your body will decide to conk out to protect you from having to face this harrowing experience. You may have nightmares about what you were about to do, but hey, at least you’ll be sleeping.

Annoy Your Neighbor

If you can’t sleep, you could go bug some of your neighbors. Just go over, wake them up, and refuse to leave them alone. If you can’t sleep, why should they be able to? Better yet, do this to the neighbor who you know has a tranquilizer gun. You could be such a nuisance that he will take the gun and put a tranquilizer dart in you, and you’ll fall asleep right then and there. Problem solved! Or… there is something we haven’t even considered, a new mattress perhaps? Sometimes the problem is closer to home than we initially thought. Have a think about it… when was the last time you got yourself a new mattress? It’s not something people really think about, is it? Click here for more information on buying a mattress and see for yourself if it really is something you should be getting so you (hopefully) can get a peaceful night’s sleep!

Funny Words That Start With S

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Plenty of normal words start with S. Those are words that are mainstream, conservative, nice words that we use everyday. I’m not talking about those words. I’m talking about the following weirdo words. You’ll see what I mean.

1. Saltant

Saltant refers to the kind of leaping and jumping you do sometimes when you’re dancing. And it’s an adjective, so you’d say, “Your saltant dancing is extraordinary.” I just don’t know anyone who leaps and jumps when they dance, though, except those dancers on Dancing With the Stars. They do plenty of leaping and jumping. Derek Hough is a very saltant dancer. You can tell him I said so, too.

2. Salubrious

Doesn’t that sound like a crime for drinking too much? “Sir, I’m going to have to bring you in on charges of being salubrious. Hand over your keys.” But no, it’s actually a good thing. Salubrious is something that is for your own good. Like, “Sir, we’re dropping all charges against you, for salubrious reasons. Congratulations!”

3. Sanatory

Not to be confused with “sanitary.” Sanatory describes something that produces good health. “Your sanatory and salubrious behavior have got you off for good behavior!”

4. Sericious

The next time you’re getting cozy with a new flame, compliment her on her sericious arms. Or not. Sericious arms are covered in soft, silky hair. I think it sounds nice, but your girlfriend might take offense.

5. Sith

Sith is olde language for “since.” If you use it, though, people will think you have a stuffed up nose. Try it now. Say out loud, “Sith you’re going to the thore, can you pick me up thome cold medicine?” Or you could try, “How many times sith then have you called her?” “Huh?” “I said, how many times sith then have you called her?” “Er, you mean, since?” “Yeth!”

6. Surely

Some people—present company excluded—say “surely” instead of “sure.” I don’t if they want to sound more sophisticated or if they just like to be different. “Do you want another scoop of ice cream?” “Surely!” What if they don’t know? “Actually, I’m unsurely if I have room for more ice cream, sith I already had two helpings.”

7. Snoop

Certain people thought snoop is such a great word they decided to rename themselves with it. But snoop has such negative connotations; I don’t know why anyone would want to name themselves snoop. “Hey, you! Snoop! Whatcha doin’ over there in the bushes!” “Nothin’, just havin’ a look around where I’m not supposed to.”

8. Saucy

Now, everyone knows if you call a woman saucy that’s a good thing. And the one word is all you need, so it’s a super duper word. Case in point: A woman walks by. A man says, “Saucy!” Other men nod their head in agreement. Total understanding with just one word. Too bad warring nations couldn’t have a word like that. North Korea runs missile tests. South Korea says, “Saucy!” The U.N. nods its head in agreement. So now you surely understand why S words can be so very entertaining. Sith you’re already here, why not try some of these saucy words out in real life?

Straight Lines vs. Angles

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There is a small rug that lies in the front hallway.

I prefer calling it “front hallway”, as the area is too small, and not fancy enough to call a foyer. The rug is striped, with eye-pleasing colors of blue and green. I purchased it at a local shop, filled with so many unique items, that I could spend HOURS of my time, exploring.

I like to position the rug at an angle,

between the stairs and the front door, next to the over-flowing basket full of shoes. And, I am not ashamed to admit that, somehow, this little rug brings me happiness. Every time I walk up or down the stairs, I am pleased with how my rug looks – its perfect size, colors, shape, and texture.

Every now and then, however, I find that the rug has been moved –

perfectly lined up, and parallel to the door. “That’s just not right,” I think to myself. With one push of my foot, I slide the rug back to the preferred position. But, inevitably, it happens again. So, again, I slide the rug back (with my foot) to the angled position. I have never seen the culprit, but I currently live in an “all boy” house.

Even the dog is a boy.

And, I have yet to meet a male specimen who does not prefer straight lines, to angles. In fact, angles seem to cause them a physical uneasiness, as if their world has, somehow, been threatened. I remember when I angled the carpet in the living room. “Why is the carpet like that?”asked one. “You aren’t going to KEEP it that way, are you?”said the other.

That was several years ago.

Fortunately, that carpet is too heavy to move. And, so it goes, over, and over again – those who prefer straight lines, and those who prefer angles . . . just trying to co-exist.  

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3 Reasons To Not Shave A Gorilla?

With the price of razors these days, I’m lucky if I get one per year that I use to make myself look snappy for my Christmas Facebook photo.  I’m exaggerating, but I had a random thought the other day while I was buying razors — I actually have a lot of random thoughts about sandwiches and rainbows and a short story about squirrel ninjas who attack with staplers and a killer strategy — about shaving monkeys. Then, I thought monkey pickles! Why stop at monkeys? Let’s shave gorillas. Shaved gorillas would be a sensation.  I could make the announcement online, and the gorilla would eat golden bananas while he was being shaved. There would be a video and more than one instagram of the event, and once it hit the social media platforms, it would become the meme of the month. It would be more popular than the phrase go go Power Green. The video of this furry adventure would be more tasty than a salt tart. The idea would propel me into fame! In my mind, I was writing the list of stories I would tell to interns and to my kids about the fun we had when we shaved the gorilla. I would tell them about the bananas and the beach balls and the fire eater and how people wanted to spoon me after they saw the pictures on Tumblr. I was making a list of the paradise my life would be if I just had a video of myself shaving a gorilla. Why not?  I realized before the question had even left my mind that there was no way that I could even afford to shave a gorilla. It would take way too many razors. Then, I decided to get serious and make a top 10 list of all the reasons that you should not shave a gorilla.   Well, the best of those lists are the bite size pieces of information that you get in the first three points. The rest of the points are just a lot of blah blah blah that are about as exciting as a fruit ball full of hamster balls so I decided to cut the list to three.   And with no further ado, here is a list of the top 3 things that smell. Just kidding, I mean the top three reasons that you should not shave a gorilla.

1. You don’t have the experience!

Before you whip out your razor and expect people to give you a bunch of high fives for your gorilla’s new hair cut, you should realize that it takes a lot of training to shave a gorilla. You can’t wake up one morning, and say, I am bored, wheres wally, let’s shave a gorilla. It’s not like taking finger paint to cardboard. In regards to difficulty, I would say it’s more like making clay pots or finding unicorns who know how to ride unicycles while tweeting on twitter. Gorilla stylists spend time at tech schools where they attend workshops and learn how to dye hair yellow.

2. The fur can be used as a hiding space.

This may sound like a weak attempt at humor, but hiding places are essential especially for things that are easy to lose like car keys. If you’re short on time, you could hide something behind a jar of pickled eggs or under a bag of old squash seeds from last spring, but the best place is in a gorilla’s fur.

3. It looks horrible!

Most gorillas won’t get a job at a modeling agency, but there is no reason to give them any more excuses about their looks. Whether your gorilla is wearing rainbow scarves or sleek black bows or nothing at all, they look better now than they would without fur. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason to shave a gorilla, but I would be willing to change my mind if they ever invent a pasta with zero calories that I can eat soundlessly while talking on my mobile phone.

What Do You Do When You’re Feeling Down In The Dumps?

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There are a million ways to cheer up, but what’s yours?

What Do You Do When You’re Feeling Down In The Dumps?

The Secret To A Long Marriage

Funny Joke Of The Day

A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating 60 years of marriage. The reporter asked the obvious question: “What’s the secret to a long marriage?” I mean, by now some couples would have sought divorce and had to learn about family laws in Arizona here (or their local area), however, these two have shown there is such a thing as a long lasting marriage! “Oh,” the man started. “It’s all about perseverance. A great example is when we went on our honeymoon. We went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife’s mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, ‘That’s ONE!’ and got right back on. A couple minutes, the mule did it again, and she yelled, ‘That’s TWO!’ and got right back on. When the mule did it a third time, she yelled, ‘That’s THREE!’ and she took out a gun and shot the mule dead.” The reporter was shocked. “How does that relate to a long marriage?” he asked. The man replied, “Well, I told her that was no way to treat a mule, and she looked at me and said ‘That’s ONE!’ ” Bonus: The reporter asked another elderly couple about their secret. The elderly wife replied, “Well, every week we make sure to go out and have a nice, romantic candlelit dinner. He goes out on Tuesdays, I go out on Thursdays.”

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Hug Your Peanut

It’s a whole bunch of weird holidays today, not the day off for any of them. Among them are Peanut Day and Hug Your Hound Day. So make sure you hug your hound and try to avoid being detained by animal services for walking a peanut on a leash in the park while explaining why neighbors haven’t seen your dog for weeks.
Peanut hound

Turkey Sandwiches With Bacon

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The Month of December is brought to you by the……..

Turkey Sandwich Toasted with Bacon

Slice it and dice it however you want when it comes to sandwiches this is always a great choice. Plenty of oats, pigs, and turkeys have been harmed in making this sandwich a goofball’s delight. The savory smell of this sandwich after your choice of cheese oozes through and around the bacon and turkey is just goofbalicious. Choose your secondary weapons to compliment, avocados, spicy mayo, lettuce, tomatoes or olives it all works.

When to enjoy it?…

The timing of eating of this sandwich makes all the difference if you feel rushed for any reason don’t indulge. You have to take a little pride in the turkey sandwich and make it your happy place. It’s a causal Sunday afternoon the football game just hit half time.. And heck why not.. You get up grab all the fixings pile them together as your listening to the game breaks in the background just when it’s about time to drip some on your shirt.. You head over back to your favorite chair or couch and begin to feast. Just as your team is getting blown out.. you fall fast asleep with about 3:00 left in the 4th quarter.

You get home from work and you don’t want to make any real food for dinner like turning on the horrendous thing called an oven. Make your Turkey sandwich grab a handful of Doritos because you earned it for working out 3 days ago.. and chow down. Its never the size of the sandwich but how the taste savors your tongue.

What is your Recipe for making this sandwich?

#MPSandwich

Join the Monkey Pickles Mash Potatoes Club

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes | Funny Jokes

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes

You’ve heard ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes forever, even before you were of legal drinking age. Walking into a bar is apparently hilarious. Actually, it isn’t, BUT the punchlines derived from ‘walks into a bar’ are! The setup is so simple that the punchline- usually a play on words combined with many other variables, like the ‘man’ that walks into a bar can be a woman, a sandwich, or a unicorn. It doesn’t matter as long as the old-school setup of ‘walks into a bar’ is the same distinct theme. Here are our favorite ‘walks into a bar’ jokes!

A Man Walks Into a Bar…

The bartender says, “Congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary beer.”

Man: “Hey, thanks!”

Bartender: “Of course, and it’s only five dollars!”

Man: “I thought you said it was complimentary?”

Cashier: “It is”

Beer: “You have beautiful eyes.”

reddit/user/Ayru_

A Man Walks into a Bar…

He tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.”

When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?”

When she says yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs- runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END- well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”

Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!”

The man says, “Funny… that’s what I had in here yesterday…”

Source

A Duck Walks Into a Bar…

Says to the bar tender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.” Bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, “I want to buy some peanuts.” Bartender replies, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts!” The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, “I want to buy some peanuts!” Bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, “Do you have any nails?” Bartender says, “Sorry, don’t have nails.” Duck asks, “Do you have any peanuts?”

Source

Short Funny Math Joke

Last night I dreamed that I was weightless. I was like, 0mg.

Funny Math Joke

I’ll do algebra.

I’ll do trig.

I’ll even do statistics, but

graphing is where I draw the line.

Funny Math Joke About Trigonometry

How do deaf triangles communicate?

Sine language

Funny Math Joke About… Math Jokes

 

Math jokes never work on me.

I have trouble differentiating them, they aren’t an integral part of the my life, and most of the time they just don’t add up.

Funny Math Joke About School

 

Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?

Student: 10.

Teacher: … Ok, well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes, how many would you have left then?

Student: 10 and a dead body.

Funny Math Joke About Beer

Why is beer never served at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive.

Sometimes, It’s Just Ho Ho Mint

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Why is there some many of these strange coffees and lattes? Caramel Coolers, Nothern Lite Lattes, Turtle Mocha, and Banana Pie Cream Monkey Spice… I perosnally do like them they make me feel all warm and fuzzy.. Does a turtle really fit inside a cup? can you really heat up the already warm Northern Lites? it pure genuis they can make these taste good…. What are some other fun names of coffee treats you can dream up?

On Juicing. And Messing Up My Kitchen. And Taking Care of Me.

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I was raised healthy. Being from Southern California, my normal meals included yogurt and raw sunflower seeds. My mom was way in front of the curve. My dad, being from the south, just wanted his butter beans and collard greens – so it was not unusual to eat a meal that included cornbread, butter milk, salad with bean sprouts, avocados and homemade blue cheese dressing. Mom and Dad were always healthy. They may have had different ways to show it, however. Dad always made sure he had something green, which means he would have at least two olives in his martini. Mom carried around bags of pumpkin seeds and homemade granola wherever she went. Staying healthy was always on the agenda, and I will never forget the time they went through their juicing stage. I think dad wanted homemade tomato juice for his Bloody Mary’s (which of course included the green stalk of celery). Mom liked Jack La Lane, who even then was anciently healthy. Anyway, I remember Mom and Dad drinking pints of carrot and apple juice. (No vodka added as far as I know.) They were certain – and it was true – that it would help with their overall health. But above remembering my parents drinking their healthy concoctions, I remember them trying to tear apart and clean the dang machine. It took half an hour to make a glass of juice. And, even though we were above the curve in health, my suburban Orange County home wasn’t a place to compost. So there was always the issue on what to do with the “scraps”. Juicing was in its’ infancy, and mom and dad were among the first of the frustrated followers. So, fast forward a few decades, and the daughter of these trailblazers in health has decided to do some juicing of her own. Yes, I bought a juicer. And, eager to try it that second, I also bought enough veggies to fill the salad bar at Golden Corral. Except one minor detail – all my veggies are organic (and have not been sneezed on or manhandled by the early bird crowd). My first attempt to put the machine together was a tad bit frustrating. I faltered. I may have said something rude a few times. I pushed when I should have pulled. This left-handed, right-brained woman really has no time for puzzles. Especially when I’m hungry. Or would that be thirsty? Regardless, I came to the realization that my efforts would not be a quick in any way, shape or form. Once I finally put the dang thing together, I still had to wash and cut my veggies. (Side note: Beets DO stain. Everything. Including the white dog that was begging for carrots.) However, I did it. I completed my juice. I washed the juicer. I bagged and froze the “remains”. And, most importantly – I drank the juice. Did I mention I hate beets? Fast forward six weeks. My thoughts? It’s worth it. I rise 20 minutes earlier so I can juice. I still buy my organic salad bar. I found a friend that wants my left-overs for her compost. I still feed my dogs carrots. I still spill beet juice on the floor and the dog. I’ve found pieces of apple and parsley on my cupboards across the room. (Another side note – do not remove the “plunger thingy” while the food is still in the tube.) And I feel great. I sleep great. The “issues” I was experiencing have all but disappeared. I have energy. And there are even more benefits that I haven’t even begun to notice – such as the long term health benefits. I need to be clear here that I still eat solid food. I am not on a “juice fast”. However, I do eat as healthy as I can. For me, that means gluten free, less sugar and no processed foods. Unless the culprit item is one (box) of Mint Girl Scout Cookies. I also try to avoid sugary drinks as much as possible. Looking after your oral health is fundamental and therefore making healthier choices is vital if you want to look after your teeth and avoid cavities or tooth decay. Of course, you should also schedule regular check-ups with a Dentist in Kennewick or a dentist in your area too to make sure your teeth are as healthy as they could be. However, there are definitely some choices you can make at home to give your overall health a boost. Juicing is a pain. But the struggles – for me anyway – far outweigh the inconveniences. Why am I talking about juicing, you are wondering? Well, being a business owner, an entrepreneur, a multi-tasker and a juggler, I knew I needed to step up my health routine big time. I knew that I needed to add energy, get rid of the brain fog and feel good enough to be all that I can be for the things that matter most to me: my husband, my kids, my grandkids, my dogs, my friends and MYSELF. (Ok, not always in that order.) Taking care of me is how my business will thrive. Taking care of me first is how my family will be happy. Juicing may not be for you. But I’ll bank on the fact that there is something out there that is. And it’ll take effort. And you may need to wash the dog and get up early in order to do it. But in the end, it’ll be worth it. You will thrive and so will your business. Trust me. And if you want juicing tips – well, honestly, go online. The best tip I can offer is to stand back and have plenty of towels on hand. Here’s to a happy, healthy you! (Oh, yes, the fresh Bloody Mary mix is sublime).        

What Would You Do If Your Car Couldn’t Start This Morning?

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It’s never fun when it happens, but it does from time to time. (Or more often than that, if your car isn’t reliable.)

What Would You Do If Your Car Couldn’t Start This Morning?