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A Beautiful Woman Loved Growing Tomatoes

Funny Joke of the Day!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,”What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.” Source

More Funny Jokes Here!

Fun Things To Do After Midnight

It’s Tuesday. It’s midnight. Infomercials abound, and the thought of twiddling one’s thumbs seems so mundane. There are ridiculous things to get into after midnight. Even as others sleepily float into their dreamlands, there’s no reason to leave dreamlands for the sleepers. The fridge has been raided to barrenness, and even the peanut butter jar is fingered clean. Google has been searched and searched again: “uses for carrots” and “how to buy a cow.” A dozen one-sided conversations have been voiced into the air, questions waiting for answers. Every online quiz has been taken and absurdly answered, and the internet seems to have run thin of ideas. There’s nothing wrong with making up a cup of cocoa, adding a little punch, and sitting on the patio to watch the stars shoot across the sky. Write a letter to your enemy and burn it in effigy, or write to the one that got away and burn it all the same.  After the bonfire is blazing, start climbing the tallest tree in the yard. No one is awake to watch and taunt when your adventure comes to an abrupt end, taking a harsh, jerky tumble down and into the grass. There is also the random bothering of friends. Message them all at the same time. Or pick a special someone not spoken to in a while and let them know that they are on someone’s mind. Clean out contact lists and friends online or find new ones to add that have been met along the way. Once you’ve observed all the social niceties, you might organize the house. Alphabetize the closet and pantry. Line up spices according to meal plans. Wipe the detritus out of the fridge and know true joy when you find there was one last sweet snack hiding behind that nasty bag of lettuce you promised yourself you’d eat this week.  Throw old things away and let memories go. Midnight is the witching hour; after burning the past, one might as well throw it away, too. There are thousands of movies people are planning to watch. Pick the one that looks silliest. If you’re right, enjoy the laughter bubbling forth and exhausting the system. Maybe choose a book with dust on it and flip through the pages. You’ll soon remember why you never finished it the first time. Throw it away. When the time has come that watching for UFOs is the best option left, try to doze off once more. And for the love of God, skip the prank phase. No toilet paper thrown on the neighbor’s balcony or false alarm pregnancy announcements on social media. Or go for it if you can’t help yourself. Gremlins are turned after these hours. That is always a valid excuse when caught.

Ginger Cat vs. The Paper Army

It’s a Claw Zone out there !

Can The Paper Army cut it? Do they have the write stuff? Is the Ginger Cat just a paper tiger? Or will this be another tragic case of kitty litter? All will be revealed in Adam Cox’s superb director’s paper cut ( Tipped to be ‘Best In Show’ at this year’s Acatemy Awards ) Don’t look at the cat. I met its gaze. The next thing I knew, it was 12 hrs later, there was an empty whiskey bottle beside me and all my paper money was gone. I think it has hypnotic powers. 01 ginger cat

How to Make a Tinder Profile

You’ve stayed away from online dating, for the most part. You may have had some good experiences dating through sites like LeoList, but you still want to see what dating on Tinder is all about. After all, you have heard more horror stories than good ones. Your friends have gone out with some real weirdos, such as the girl who inexplicably likes to dump coffee on random people’s heads. But the thing is, the stories were so ridiculous that you actually realized that you were missing out by not joining in on the fun. You wanted some crazy stories of your own! And that’s where you are right now. You’ve finally decided to bite the bullet and make a Tinder profile! To do this, here’s what you’ll need:
  • A computer or mobile device
  • A Facebook account
  • Pictures of yourself
  • Knowledge about yourself
  • A way with words
If you have all of those things/abilities, you can start making your own Tinder profile and be right there where you want to be – on the road to either true love or something completely ridiculous.

How to Make a Tinder Profile – Link to Facebook

In order to start a Tinder account in the first place, you are going to need to have a Facebook profile. It’s kind of annoying to some people, but you have to understand that Tinder probably does this because there are a ton of people who would create multiple accounts otherwise. Maybe they’ll pretend to live in several different cities at once or create fake accounts with pictures of models posted because catfishing is their favorite thing ever. Whatever their reasons, Tinder doesn’t approve. So pick your favorite Facebook account and link it to your Tinder account in order to get started with the whole process.

How to Make a Tinder Profile – Decide On Your Endgame

Here is the part where you have to do some soul-searching. What do you want out of your experience with Tinder? Are you looking to find true love, someone to grow old with and create a mountain of bananas with, atop which you will live forever and ever in a giant gingerbread house? Or are you just looking to have some fun and get a few good stories about the wackadoos you’re dating out of it? Either way, deciding on your endgame is pretty important here, because it’ll determine what types of people you are trying to attract, which will be good to keep in mind during the next steps of this process.

How to Make a Tinder Profile – Pick Your Best Pics

Ideally, online dating would be all about personality, and looks wouldn’t even enter into it. But the reality is that people are shallow. So pictures actually are important. You want to pick the pics that really represent you as you are trying to project your image on Tinder. You’ll probably get by if you just post a few flattering pics, but why not do something more fun and do a photoshoot of wacky pics so that people really see your sparkling personality? Why not do a few pics of yourself dressed in a pickle costume or yodeling at your dog?

How to Make a Tinder Profile – Write Your Bio

Most people want to show the best versions of themselves to potential dates, and it is possible that you fit into this category. But it is also possible that you are the kind of person who wants your quirks to be out in the open. Maybe you want potential matches to know that you are obsessed with rancid pickle juice or that you save all of your fingernail and toenail clippings in a large bag. So go ahead and write a few short quips about yourself that you think represent you the way you want to be seen by all the lovelies on Tinder.

How to Make a Tinder Profile – Test the Waters

Now that you are done with your Tinder profile, you are ready to see what’s out there. You can just wait for all of your admirers to come to you, or you can send messages yourself and exercise some control over your initial interactions. The one thing you do know is that you’re in for a world of interesting experiences. Maybe you’ll end up going out with a pomegranate salesperson from Fiji, or meeting an escaped convict from your local prison. Or maybe you’ll find that special person who will help you build that quickly rotting banana mountain. Just remember that when dating, don’t hide your interest. Following the advice on DatingPilot, if you are truly interested in a person it’s never a good idea to hide it. Playing hard to get is not as attractive as you might think. Whatever you do with it, you could potentially have experiences that you will remember for the rest of your life!

Cheap Date Ideas For You And Your Boo

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Just because you have no money doesn’t mean you have to deprive your boo of the opportunity to spend time with you on a date. But dinner and a movie can cost an arm and a leg. The dinner costs an arm, and the movie costs a leg, unless it happens to be a Star Wars sequel. (For these, the lightsaber-wielding arm seems to be the preferred means of currency.) Add in few drinks at a nightclub after the movie and you could be looking at rolling home in a wheelchair instead of rolling around in the sack. Instead of going for broke, check out these fun and cheap date ideas for you and boo.

Breakfast For Two

When you invite your boo to breakfast, you demonstrate an uncommon level of sophistication. First, you get to show off that you’re even awake at that hour of the day, and the fact that you’re actually dressed and ready to appear in public? Well, that just proves what a go-getter you are. Now, there’s no need to actually pay for this breakfast. See, quality hotels in your area give free breakfast away every single morning! Granted, these free breakfasts are for guests only, but you’re not one to let rules get in the way of your courtship, are you? No, I thought not. Simply park around back of the hotel, tousle your hair a little so it looks like you just woke up, and enter the hotel through the lobby with your boo. Pretend to be busy chatting so you don’t get caught in an awkward conversation with the front desk staff. Ride the elevator up to a random floor, then ride it back down to wherever the breakfast buffet is being served. Hold a credit card in your hand so it looks like a room key. You and your beloved can now choose from the wide assortment of cereals, waffles and breakfast beverages in the comfortable surroundings of a beautiful hotel that will probably always be far beyond your budget. Sit down and feast!

Joyride

One of the challenges of dating while poor is juggling time that you should use looking for work (or actually doing work, if you have a job) with time that you want to spend dating. Get both done in style with this next idea. Ask your boo to dress up because you’re taking her out on the town. Line up a few job interviews for the afternoon and dress to the nines. Suit and tie — the works. Pick up your date and drive her around town, just as you promised. Tell your date you have some important meetings to attend, and ask her to wait in the car while you stop at various locations for your interviews. As you leave the interviews, fill your pockets with mints and candy from the reception desks. After your interviews are all over, go to a public park (free!) and walk around with her while holding hands. Offer her sweets and mints from your pockets until you run out. By this time, both of you will be exhausted, and you’ll be off the hook for dinner. You’re welcome.

The Banana Dilemma – A Slippery Subject

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Setting: Turtle Island, Fiji Republic.

China rented the entire luxury island for the day of the very important conference. Economic ministers from France, Great Britain, Germany, the United States, Canada, Australia, Brazil and Italy were flown to Turtle Island in the Fiji Republic to attend the Banana Summit hosted by the Chinese. Eager to accommodate the honored guests, the staff set up a conference table with cushioned rattan chairs. Men in suits, floral shirts and shorts, and two women in tasteful sundresses approach the table and take their places. The centerpiece is a large, ornately carved wooden bowl filled with bananas. A tall, tanned Chinese man in a tropical suit stands to gain everyone’s attention. Except for his face, the dapper figure resembles Ricardo Montalbon in Fantasy Island.

“My dear friends.

Welcome to Turtle Island, the jewel of Fiji. I trust your conveyance to this conference was satisfactory. Our department, the Banana Universal Development, or BUD, has been authorized by the brilliant leaders of our glorious country to extend to you these magnificent accommodations for this auspicious day. Did you know the beautiful lagoon on which you look was the setting for the famous American film “The Blue Lagoon” with Brooke Shields? Ah, yes, but to our purpose. Please note the beautiful bunch of bananas on the table before you. These did not come from Latin America, Hawaii or even from the groves here on Fiji. They are Chinkita Bananas from Southern China. Notice the perfection of form and color. Ah, they are flawless. “We know of the “banana wars” which have crippled the economical import of this most essential fruit to most of your countries. Prices are down and so are profits for the big companies. This trouble has existed since World War II! An answer to that vexing problem was needed, and that is where Bud will come to the rescue of the world. Our plantations have been in place for several years and are at peak production.

“The principal corporations dealing in bananas,

Dole and Chiquita International, have, ahem, voluntarily ceased their banana operations in order to focus on their more profitable lines. Perhaps you have heard rumors of managerial changes and financial troubles within their organizations. Those rumors are true. Therefore, Chinkita Bananas will fill the void left by these incompetent suppliers. We will be the sole, major supplier of bananas from hence forward. Air cargo, processing plants and an unlimited workforce will ensure this essential fruit is delivered fresh to distribution centers around the world. “Ladies, if you please. Our BUD secretaries are placing before you folders with contracts to conduct exclusive banana business with Chinkita. You will sign those contracts before the day is over. Oh, do not concern yourselves, there is no pressure, be assured. The agreement is most beneficial, you will see. Please return the signed contracts to one of these lovely ladies in order to obtain your tickets to return to Fiji. The BUD shuttle plane captain will be happy to take you to the main island…after he is notified to do so.

“Some of you may question,

what if we do not wish to do business with Chinkita? The answer is simple, my friends. Your countrymen will no longer have banana pudding, banana bread, crepes with banana, banana cream pie, nor will all those millions of smoothies contain bananas. You do not wish to bring this news to your constituents, do you? No more bananas? Of course not. You have BUD’s assurances all trade will be fair and prices will remain low. Preferably, the public will not notice any difference. Do not be concerned. You can trust us. We are your BUD.” One by one the representatives signed the contracts and gave them to the lovely secretaries. The signal was given by an unseen voice. “The plane! The plane!” While they waited for the sea plane to taxi onto the beach, the American sighed. “I wonder if that was that little Tatu guy? Oh well. What’s the difference at this point? Nobody cares where their stuff comes from anyway, as long as they can buy it worth the money. I’m just glad I won’t be around in thirty years.” “Why’s that?” The Aussie asked. “Two very important things. One: I don’t really care for Chinese food. Two: I sure don’t speak the language.”    

It’s Happening Again!

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The beating of the drum-

well, I mean it’s more of a camera flash- but can you hear it? Can you see them? Their phones up to their faces? The intensively disturbing faces these people make? . and the insane/brilliant vines they make? . .

What about the statuses?

.

Tweets?

.

It is as if a plague of.. of…

Goodness me what do we call this wave of social media? It’s on a completely different level! it’s as if the fathers of this new generations- OUR generation (blessed be their names! Mark Zuckerberg,Evan Williams- oh! David Karp!! The Zeus of Social Media Gods!) will never run out of ideas for people to interact (and for those people beocoming ‘famous’ on Vine, or Instagram).

But lets be frank,

Instagram stole Vines idea, and made it better, but Vine videos will always be better than Instagram videos. Twitter is a place for people who post WAAAYYY to many statuses, and for revolutions to start, and Tumblr.. Well I mean.. there is no definition. It’s as if he human race is all submissive to the power of The Gods. As if the internet has lassoed a rope around our minds, and is slowly pulling us in like . Yeah, I uh, I guess like that..

Is there anything we can do about it?

You ask, frantically trying to protect your children from the Twerk videos, teens hash-tagging YOLO, as saying #firstworldproblems and using emojis in everyday speech. Hell no. Sorry, was that too forward? Of course not, no. NO. Not unless you just don’t go on Facebook and you have no desire to see what your friends are up to. Not unless you work in a job that requires no human interaction! Because lets face it! Everyone and their grandmother has a Facebook page, even to go as far as pets that even have Instagrams! There is no getting away from the tsunami that’s coming. There is no escaping. There is no such thing as high ground- especially when it comes to Tumblr- Actually, Tumblr is more of a bottomless pit that you fall into, and you just into.. or you’re pushed into it.

Point is,

everyone gets sucked into social media, rather oyu like it or not, you’ll be forced to. Kinda like you are forced to enter your name in the Hunger Games, expect the outcome usually isn’t death (if you are using the internet correctly). What’s the name of the nest tsunami? Well, I believe it’s called ‘bit strip’. Look it up. Let it brain wash you. The person who created thi could also join the list of The Social Media Gods. So far we have three major Gods, who is next?  

10 Reasons These Kids Are Crying

 

Parents: Is there anything more frustrating than your kid crying for seemingly no good reason? Kids freak out at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, you just have to laugh- or you’ll cry along with them!

Here are the funniest reasons kids are crying!

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Do’s and Don’ts of Underarm Waxing

When it comes to underarm waxing, you can’t be too careful. So if you’re looking to do this on your own, it may be within your best interest to check out nacach.com, for example, so you can buy waxing essentials to help you remove hair the right way. Plus, it is always best to do some research into anything you’re planning on buying before just buying the first thing you see. We’ve heard enough horror stories to know that ripping the hair out of your body is nothing to screw around with. There are many reasons to want to get your underarms waxed: you’re too lazy to hold a razor, you’re allergic to soap, you’re a masochist, you found out that Tom Brady does it and he’s your hero, etc. For the ultimate experience in waxing, we’ve got some helpful Do’s and Don’ts for all you smooth-skinned Monkey Picklers!

DO Prepare For Immense Pain

Oh, you thought you were going to get off easy, didn’t you? “Underarm waxing can’t be THAT bad,” you are saying to yourself, “it’s just a quick rip and we’re done, right?” WRONG, kiddo. Wrong. You should take 6 ibuprofen, 3 Xanax, drink a carafe of whiskey, and do at least 8 rips off of a bong. Maybe get someone to drive you to your appointment. Point is, it’s gonna hurt, and you need to be ready for the excruciating pain. If you want to avoid pain when it comes to removing hair, you might want to give laser hair removal a try.

DON’T Find An Expensive Waxer/Esthetician

Here’s the truth: any Joe Schmo can plop down some wax, lay down a piece of magic cloth on top, and pull. You are going to need this done probably every few days, and that gets expensive! Go on Craigslist and make an ad for yourself. Say something like, “Newbie Needs Cheap Waxer! Looking for a quick and cheap wax. Must be able to host and have own implements. Will be compensated by money or ?. Please respond quickly, I’m ready to go ASAP!” and watch the responses come rolling in. You may even find a kinky new friend to hang out with as an added bonus!

DO Go Tanning Immediately Afterwards

The melanin in your skin will react with the open follicles from waxing and will not only make your skin really tan right away, it will purge the follicles of any bacteria! Purging the bacteria creates a hormone that makes you instantly more attractive to everyone who comes within 6 feet of you. Your partner will find you irresistible, neighborhood dogs will hump your leg, and babies will smile at you. So remember: Waxing + Tanning = Caribbean Casanova.

DON’T Put Your Arms Down For At Least 8 Hours

The MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember about underarm waxing is to leave your arms up over your head for at least 8 hours after you get waxed. This prevents any sweat or moisture from accumulating in the area, which can be detrimental to the freshly waxed skin. Any moisture in the skin will create a chemical reaction and the hair will grow back in with a beard-like consistency. You’ll be braiding it to keep it from poking out of your shirts. It will literally look like you are hiding clown wigs under your arms. Do we need to go on? Bald men will tuck themselves under your pits to warm their heads. Instead of a Brillo pad, you’ll be able to scrub dishes on your beard-pits. People will CALL YOU Beard-Pits, and it will be detrimental to your self-esteem. Phew! Ok, we’re done. Now you’re ready to get an underarm wax! With these simple instructions, you can have smooth pits and not feel self-conscious about the horrendous growth of body hair you clearly have. So get out there and raise the roof with no worries about being judged by your swarthiness!

A Perfect Day For Banana Soup

The alarm clock barked and Monkey Pickles eye’s popped wide open all he could think of was his trip to Daydream Island. He made arrangements for the pineapple water taxi that would take him there and packed his alligator bag. Daydream Island was a place where he could swim with dolphins, and they also had a fantabulous restaurant where they served the most tasty banana soup. He’d only had it once before. It had a rich, creamy texture and sweet enough to satisfy the sweetest tooth. It had given him a wonderful feeling…as if he didn’t have a worry in the world. The sun was rising and cast a glow as he stepped onto the luxurious taxi and took a seat on the carousel deck next to Pheobe Buffay. Pheobe was stunning with pink and blue feathers and just as excited as he was about the trip. He mentioned he’d seen an owl on a tree limb of the oldest tree in his neighborhood. It was just before dawn and still very dark, but the owl’s eyes were bright as day. Pheobe told him the owl was a messenger and the spirit of the owl would guide him through his darkest moments. “Its spiritual nature will give you vision and direct you back to the right path,” she said, batting long pink lashes. The taxi driver gave them a basket filled with all types of candy, and, for Monkey, a super-sized banana that was scrumptious. “It’s what chef uses for his banana soup,” he said. On the bottom of the basket was a little box. “Look, Pheobe!” A silver ring was inside the box …with the face of an owl! The driver gave him a knowing glance and served tall glasses filled with an exotic drink. As they approached the island, the water turned so clear, Monkey could see down to the bottom. He helped Pheobe off the boat and they made a plan to have lunch together. A bell hop carried his bag up to the room, opened the gumball drapes and displayed a magnificent view. Monkey spotted three dolphins scooting in and out of the water. They really knew how to have fun, he thought, and quickly tugged on his swimsuit. Monkey thought about the banana soup he was going to have at lunch. But, first he swam with the dolphins, holding onto their fins as they took him through the glittering coves surrounding the island. He dove down deep with them and was amazed that he was able to breathe underwater. Fan coral waved a friendly “hello” and rainbow fish swam around him. Back on land, he curled up in a banana hammock under the shade of a palm and took a nap. Dreams of Phoebe and banana soup crept into his subconscious. When he woke, he spotted the owl in the palm tree. Monkey touched the ring on his finger and felt its power. His path become very clear and after a long luxurious bath with spring water brought in from Austria, he put on a fluffy robe, and suddenly all his aches and pains were gone. Now, his stomach was growling fiercely and he couldn’t wait any longer for the soup. The soup was better than he’d remembered and as soon as he finished his bowl, Monkey realized all his worries were silly and he focused on what really mattered in life. His family meant everything to him and thought maybe he’d ask Pheobe out on another date. Later, Monkey and Pheobe strolled along the beach. Soft music was playing and they held hands as the sky turned from a fiery tomato into colors of purple, pink and blue streamed across the sky like cotton candy. A pearly white horse galloped toward them and as it got closer, he realized it was a unicorn. Its horn striped red and green. “Can I offer you a ride?” the unicorn asked. They hopped on its back and took a magical tour of the island. Just before he went to bed, Monkey thought how perfect the day was and would always remember what Pheobe had said about the owl and its wisdom. Join the Monkey Pickles Mash Potatoes Club

Great Ideas For Groomsmen Gifts And Bridesmaid Gifts

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So you’re planning your wedding. You’ve hired the caterer and the band, and you’ve picked out flowers and color schemes and hors d’oeuvres. The only thing left is to purchase gifts for your groomsmen and bridesmaids. Sounds easy, but the pressure to choose just the right gift is driving you crazy! Let us help. Here are some gift ideas that any groomsman or bridesmaid worth their salt will love.

Matching Tattoos

Start the wedding weekend off right! Book a group appointment at the local tattoo parlor. The entire party needs to be there, men and women. Pick a design to really commemorate the day, like a portrait of you and your spouse-to-be, or maybe a unicorn. Whatever it is, it should declare to the world, “We got wild this weekend!” If any members of your wedding party refuse tattoos, you are well within your rights to excuse them from the festivities for the weekend. You don’t need to surround yourself with party poopers; let them sit at home during your wedding and pout.

Coupons

If members of your bridal party are traveling to get to your wedding, they may need some helpful hints on the area. Providing them with coupons is just the thing! Give them a dollar off at your favorite pizza place, or a BOGO coupon for the best burger joint in town. It’s a thoughtful gift everyone will enjoy! And it’ll pretty much balance out the cost of the expensive clothes you’re forcing them to buy. If you’re rushed for time (and you will be), just buy a few Sunday newspapers and grab a handful of those glossy ads in the middle.

Puppies

Everyone knows that giving a puppy as a gift is a great idea. Plan a shelter trip as one of your wedding weekend events. Take the entire party to the shelter and make sure everyone chooses a dog or cat to take home with them. Send everyone home with a living, breathing new best friend. We all know spouses can get in the way of close friendships. Now your friends have a replacement for you, and they’ll never be lonely again. Yes, owning a puppy unexpectedly is a lot of responsibility, but so is being in your wedding party. Do they want to quit? Are they quitters?!

Chastity Belts

Both the groomsmen and bridesmaids will love these. Make sure you instruct everyone to wear them throughout the wedding festivities. No one wants their wedding party torn apart by natural urges, so keep those guys and gals in line. The chastity belt will ensure the chastity of the party and help you keep a little more control over your big day. If everyone agrees, you’ll be wanting to look at sites like https://lockthecock.com/blogs/chastity-fun/underwear-for-chastity, so everyone can still remain comfortable while having their urges locked away. And not only will the belts keep your wedding party from buttering each other’s biscuits, they’ll also protect your other guests from any overly interested members of your wedding party. Yes, your cousin might be desperate, but that’s no reason for her to get involved with Derek, of all people.

Donate To Charity

There are lots of great charities out there. Why not plant a tree in the names of each of your bridesmaids and groomsmen? Many of us remember the classic Seinfeld episode in which George hands out cards for donations made to “The Human Fund” (a charity he made up). Feel free to make up your own charity and donate to yourself. Altruism is your middle name — or it will be after this wedding! You can send them your bridesmaids and groomsmen the bill for their donations later; they’ll be happy to know about all the good you helped them do.

Bad Hobbits And Elfishness

Some of the worst elfish behavior you’ll ever see, hilariously exposed by OnlyLeigh of You Tube Land.  

How To Be A Millionaire – Made Easy!

piggy bankMay 20th is the official “Be A Millionaire Day”. Not just anybody can be a millionaire (and let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to be one?). Here is a infallible, step by step list of how to be a millionaire. Step One: Pretend you have investments Pour over your financials with a fine-tooth comb. Not satisfied with your bank balance? Let’s pretend to do research about the pros and cons of investing. And hey, every millionaire had to start somewhere. Step Two: Buy a smoking pipe and blow bubbles out of it It’s one thing to be a millionaire, another to look like one. Step Three: Become a pro gambler overnight Go to your locally Native American owned Casino, bet a whopping $10.  Lose all but $.01. Frame the ticket and put in your cubicle at work as a reminder that all millionaires require a bit of prudence with their money. Step Four: Wear a top hat and monocle. Enough Said. Step Five: Search Wikihow or Howto Articles for Becoming a Millionaire. Because the millionaires wrote those articles Step Six: Dress your dog, cat or respective pet as a butler. Sit, stay, okay now pass out the hors d’oeuvres. Step Seven: Fine Dining and Smaller Portion Sizes 7. Put a cracker on your plate, drizzle some caramel syrup. Now you’re eating gourmet! Bon appetit Step Eight: Rinse and Repeat.

How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

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So you’ve decided to dump your girlfriend. You must be pretty brave to pull a stunt like that. After all you’ve been through together? All those long nights talking about what your future could be? And for what? Nothing! Maybe you’re wanting to get rid of her anyway? Time to find Nu-Bay.com Go Here. Well listen up, dirtbag! If you think you’ve really got what it takes to make it on your own, we’ll help you do this as painlessly as possible. Lord knows she deserves better than you anyway.

Method 1: The Heartfelt Approach

This style of breaking up is probably the hardest. It also puts you in the most danger of bodily harm since you will be performing this breakup face to face. Suggest a meet-up at a restaurant, bar or other public place that has plenty of witnesses. Somewhere with free Wi-Fi is always a good idea so you can access your cloud drives to show her the PowerPoint you created to chronicle all the reasons you’re leaving. The most basic approach is to machine-gun out a long list of reasons you are done with her, followed quickly with, “But it’s not you, it’s me.” This serves the dual purpose of making her feel regret and confusing her. The double-whammy effect will leave her speechless as you make your escape. To make sure you nail this process, we recommend plenty of practice. Practice on anybody who loves or cares about you to get the best results. Your mom. Your roommate. Your dog. To get the most out of this practice, wait to see how much they cry. Then laugh at them and tell them you’re just practicing. Nice job!

Method 2: The Distant Approach

This is our favorite technique and the most cowardly. It’s so easy we’ve reduced it to a list of bullet points.
  • Invite her to an expensive restaurant.
  • Don’t show up.
  • Wait until she calls a few times.
  • Don’t answer.
  • Send her a text that says you’re leaving her.
  • Block her number.
  • Move to Vegas.
Much easier than the heartfelt approach, this style requires almost nothing from you in terms of realizing the heart-rending damage you’ve caused. Many prefer this method because it allows them to move to Vegas (or really anywhere) and immediately begin dating strippers without the need for guilt or regret. You’re a grown-up. You’ve made a grown-up decision. Now hook up with strippers.

Following Up

Inevitably, she is going to call you back. She might even want to try again. We always recommend allowing second chances and third chances, and sometimes even fourth chances. Our reasoning is that you can never get enough break-up practice. And if you find a nice girl who is willing to go along with it, you should capitalize on that. Don’t be sorry. One day you will meet the perfect woman who makes your dreams come true and — thanks to all your practice — you’ll be able to break up with her, too. In all seriousness, if you are debating breaking up with someone, this is a big decision and can’t be easy. We use humor to try and make your situation easier to cope with, but if you are struggling in a relationship then you might want to try something to save your relationship before breaking up with your partner. You could, for example, take some couples therapy sessions. This might help save your relationship.

If you liked this, check out our companion piece: How To Break Up With Your Boyfriend.

Business Development For Monkey Pickles

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Greater Minneapolis-St. Paul Area

Monkey Pickles is on the lookout for exceptional people to help drive the future of advertising packages,sponsorship sales, marketing packages and training event sales.

We are a fun social media company with our own 30,000+ community following. We have been an established brand since 2009, and are excited to be taking Monkey Pickles to the next level. It’s time for the world to know about Monkey Pickles and by joining our team you will be a part of our growth! We know and have all the social influencer skills that you desire, you can check out other social companies such as Upleap.com, if you have your own business or social media account to grow then you may want to check them out as well as applying for our position.

Weekly & Monthly Activities will include

  • Representing Monkey Pickles at Networking events and Workshops
  • Developing new business relationships
  • Researching new potential clients for Monkey Pickles
  • Emailing, making phone calls and using social media for prospecting
  • Attending weekly sales meetings
  • Send weekly activity reports to Monkey Pickles and maintain CRM

Who is this Position For?

  • Wants a more incredibly flexible schedule
  • is self-motivated
  • is able to network with sales objectives in mind
  • is passionate about social media, internet trends, technology, and advertising
  • Who doesn’t get discouraged easily
  • Enjoys strategic thinking and interacting with lots of people

Desired Skills and Experience

Ideal candidate will already be heavily involved with multiple social media outlets as a user.

  • 1 Year minimum media or agency sales experience
  • strong understanding of lead generation, CRM and account management
  • ability to create long standing client relationships
  • experience working in Microsoft Office applications and Google apps
  • resourceful and tech savvy (social media, internet, and smart phones)
  • must understand page views, content, and the value of social followings
  • Passion for Social Media, Online Marketing and Internet Trends.

Compensation

Commission with Residuals, Incentives and Bonuses. Tags: Advertising Sales, Media Sales, Digital Agency, WordPress, SEO, Marketing Email: [email protected] | Phone 763-657-1000