Do’s and Don’ts of Booties

Let’s be honest. Booties are in style. They look great on the models in magazines and online, and while it’s still cool out, it seems like the perfect time to hop on the trend. The problem, as with any fashion change, is that you want to hit the right chord with the “in” crowd, and it isn’t always easy. Never fear! Half the battle of wearing your booties right is to find the perfect pair, and with a few dos and don’ts, we can learn the most important lessons stored in Hip Hop and pirate lore over the eons. You can learn the secrets in no time, and you’ll know exactly how to find the best options, how to choose the best pair from a bunch, how to take great care of them and how to wear them perfectly.

DO Shake Them

The best minds in Hip Hop have been telling us the secret to finding the perfect pair for ages. Just shake them! First, it’s the best way to make sure they’re ripe, and nobody should ever face the horrors of unripe footwear. The secret to the technique is actually to throw on some classic jams. The booties, when shaken, should actually move perfectly in sync with the song being played. For best results, play a song that is exceptionally tuned to booties, such as “Shake Your Money Maker.” There’s a hidden bonus to getting ripe booties. Since they naturally move in time with club music, they’ll inherently boost your dancing skills. Now you can be more stylish and the star of dance night!

DON’T Share

There’s no denying that pirates have long been the world’s best at finding and storing the best booties, but that doesn’t mean that they use them best. While they’re always talking about splitting the booty, this is actually bad advice, and it has led to the downfall of many pirate groups. First of all, if sharing was so great and successful, why do all of their booties always end up buried somewhere? There are two reasons why sharing doesn’t work. Smell lingers, and even though you, dear reader, probably have the world’s most delightful feet, the friends who would share might not. Secondly, booties are precious, and everyone eventually gets selfish in their presence. The pirates of old have eventually taught us that the only way to successfully share booties is to literally split them down the seams, and no one wants that.

DO Invest in a Quality Map

It’s great that you now know how to select the best booties, but finding them in the first place is a whole different challenge. Everyone knows that the secret to finding booty is to get your hands on a quality pirate map. The real trick is telling the good maps from the bad ones, so here are a few telltale signs. A good map should have a corner missing, and that corner always holds pivotal information. If your map is sound, it may lead to booties, but they’ll probably be of lower quality. Another important feature for a good map is vague clues about dangerous booby traps. No one who has world-class booties is going to give them away for free, so be prepared for danger and adventure. Finally, and most importantly, never forget that “X” marks the spot. If your map doesn’t have an X (or it isn’t obvious that the X is on the missing corner), then you don’t have a top-quality map.

DON’T Bury Them

Once again, we are going to depart from traditional pirate behavior. Booties are in, so show those babies off! Weather you bury them in a proper gold chest or just the back of your closet, they can’t do you any good if no one can admire them on your feet. For that reason, they should be the go-to choice for every ensemble. Going out for a night on the town? Sport those booties! Heading off to a long day of work in the coal mines? Booties are still the answer. Every occasion and every wardrobe choice is best matched with a pair of ripe booties. Now that you know the secrets, there’s nothing standing between you and your elevated shoe game.

It’s Happening Again!

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The beating of the drum-

well, I mean it’s more of a camera flash- but can you hear it? Can you see them? Their phones up to their faces? The intensively disturbing faces these people make? . and the insane/brilliant vines they make? . .

What about the statuses?

.

Tweets?

.

It is as if a plague of.. of…

Goodness me what do we call this wave of social media? It’s on a completely different level! it’s as if the fathers of this new generations- OUR generation (blessed be their names! Mark Zuckerberg,Evan Williams- oh! David Karp!! The Zeus of Social Media Gods!) will never run out of ideas for people to interact (and for those people beocoming ‘famous’ on Vine, or Instagram).

But lets be frank,

Instagram stole Vines idea, and made it better, but Vine videos will always be better than Instagram videos. Twitter is a place for people who post WAAAYYY to many statuses, and for revolutions to start, and Tumblr.. Well I mean.. there is no definition. It’s as if he human race is all submissive to the power of The Gods. As if the internet has lassoed a rope around our minds, and is slowly pulling us in like . Yeah, I uh, I guess like that..

Is there anything we can do about it?

You ask, frantically trying to protect your children from the Twerk videos, teens hash-tagging YOLO, as saying #firstworldproblems and using emojis in everyday speech. Hell no. Sorry, was that too forward? Of course not, no. NO. Not unless you just don’t go on Facebook and you have no desire to see what your friends are up to. Not unless you work in a job that requires no human interaction! Because lets face it! Everyone and their grandmother has a Facebook page, even to go as far as pets that even have Instagrams! There is no getting away from the tsunami that’s coming. There is no escaping. There is no such thing as high ground- especially when it comes to Tumblr- Actually, Tumblr is more of a bottomless pit that you fall into, and you just into.. or you’re pushed into it.

Point is,

everyone gets sucked into social media, rather oyu like it or not, you’ll be forced to. Kinda like you are forced to enter your name in the Hunger Games, expect the outcome usually isn’t death (if you are using the internet correctly). What’s the name of the nest tsunami? Well, I believe it’s called ‘bit strip’. Look it up. Let it brain wash you. The person who created thi could also join the list of The Social Media Gods. So far we have three major Gods, who is next?  

7 Funny Words That Start With J

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These jolly J words are just the thing to get you all jostled up.

1. Jamboree

A jamboree is a party or a place where raucous merrymaking is happening. The next time you are invited to a jamboree, get ready for some knee-slapping good times. To me, a jamboree sounds much better than a party, but let me ask you: You have two invitations in your hand for the same date, and one says party and the other says jamboree, which one are you going to?

2. Jimmy

If you jimmy something, you get it to open, but never to close. You don’t hear people saying, “Let me see if I can jimmy this thing closed.” No, it’s always, “I think I can jimmy that open.” What I want to know is, who is this Jimmy fellow and why is he breaking and entering all over town?

3. Jailage

A jailage is a fee paid to a jailer, presumably so the guy will let you out. Now, had some of our felons known about this, maybe they would be free right now. “What? All I had to do was pay jailage?!!!! Mind blown!”

4. Jargonaut

A jargonaut is a person who uses excessive jargon. I’m not sure where the line is drawn between someone who doesn’t use excessive jargon and someone who is a jargonaut. The answer might be in the pages of that famous book, “Jason and the Jargonauts.”

5. Jellygraph

In the olden days before Xerox, copies of prints were made using a plate of jelly. (No, I’m not making this up.) You have to hand it to whoever invented this. They brought playing with your food to a whole new level.

6. Jiffy

When I hear the word jiffy, I immediately think of those small muffin mix boxes in the baking aisle at the grocery. But it’s also an alternate word for a certain amount of time. If you say, “I’ll be back in a jiffy,” it means you’ll be back super quick. Jiffy actually has a definitive measurement, which is 1/1,000th of a second. So you can’t just bandy the word jiffy about like it has no meaning. You’d better be back in a jiffy because I’m checking my watch in between bites of blueberry muffin.

7. Jollyboat

The jollyboat is the small boat that was kept at the ship’s stern for transporting crew from the ship to the mainland and vice versa. So if you were a crew member and the captain told you to go ashore for more toilet paper, you might start to swim to shore, worrying that your socks were going to get wet. Then your mate would say, “Ahoy! I’ll lower the jollyboat for ye!” And you would say, “Aye, that’s jolly!” That’s probably how the boat was named, come to think of it.

Capitol Hill Receives Money Order By Airmail

What is a Gyro Copter ? Well Ladies, Gentlemen and Homeland Security Secretary, Jeh Johnson … a Gyro Copter is essentially a flying bicycle … a flying bicycle that, for instance, could literally be flown under the radar and landed on the lawn of Capitol Hill by a disgruntled postman ( there’s a first ). And that, if you haven’t heard, is exactly what 61 year old Doug Hughes of Tampa, Florida did on Wednesday April 15 at 1.20 pm to deliver 535 letters to the 535 members of Congress. “This Is Not Good People!”, you might say … and so it would seem. … But, Doug Hughes was planning an act of civil disobedience not an act of terrorism. He wanted to highlight that in both houses there are only 2 representatives who have raised the majority of their campaign funding from small donations of no more than $200. Stating in his letters, “I’m demanding reform and declaring a voter’s rebellion in a manner consistent with Jefferson’s description of rights in the Declaration of Independence. As a member of Congress, you have three options. !. You may pretend corruption does not exist. 2. You may pretend to oppose corruption while you sabotage reform. 3. You may actively participate in real reform.” Radical Stuff But it appears that Doug Hughes has turned out to be a soft spoken, calm man whose intentions weren’t exactly a secret. He was even interviewed by the Secret Service on October 5, 2013, openly admitting that he owned a gyrocopter and that he did want to do something big to draw attention to campaign finance reform but had no intention to crash into any buildings or monuments in DC. Hughes also informed to the Tampa Bay Times, last year ( after which the Secret Service contacted him again ) about the stunt and why he felt he must go through with it, saying that he had no intention of hurting anybody. Before Hughes took off he sent an email about his plan to [email protected], while the Tampa Bay Times posted a story about the event at noon that day and had a report call the Secret Service by 1 pm to make sure they were aware of what was transpiring. Your Mail Maybe Delayed Up To 4 Years No, not because it needs to pass through Congress. 4 years is the combined prison time Hughes could be facing for violating national defense airspace and for flying an unregistered aircraft without a pilot’s licence. To Hughes, however, this was not so bad as the very real concern that he might be blown out of the air … a result he was not keen on but prepared to risk saying, “I have also thought about being 80 years old and watching the collapse of this country and thinking that I had an idea once that might have arrested the fall and didn’t do it.” Jets Aside from bring attention to the issue of money in politics, Hughes has inadvertently highlighted another major problem with Washington. Namely, that a mailman can fly a bicycle almost all the way up to the White House and, as yet, we don’t know whether authorities had a plan in place to stop such an eventuality. Imagine if instead of mailman, Doug Hughes, that the protest had been made by an angry dairy farmer with 535 bags of milk to throw, Congress would have stunk … and no one would have known the difference. Certainly, it has come to light that had jets even been in the air over Washington they would likely have been ineffective against such a small slow moving target. Of course the New York Jets have taken issue with this but that same evening failed to stop a local mailman in a Gyro Copter from defeating them 31 points to 7. In conclusion I don’t know whether to praise or criticize Doug Hughes … but I do want to know where my birthday cards are. I mean “C’mon!”, it’s been over a week.

A Man Phones The House And The Maid Answers…

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Funny Joke Of The Day

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone. He asks the maid where the wife is. The maid says the wife is in bed with another man. After a long pause, the man gathers himself together. He asks the maid to do a favor for him and promises her $100,000. He asks her to go to his study room and to get a gun from the cabinet table and to shoot both the woman and the man. The maid puts down the phone. After a minute or two, the man can hear two gunshots in the background. The maid is panting and distressed. She picks up the phone again. “Now what?” she asks, a little panicky. The man tells her to dump the bodies in the pool. “Pool?” the maid asks. “You don’t have a pool.” The man is silent for a minute. “Oh, sorry, wrong number.”

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Carbs, not the enemy of a diet

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I’m not sure how many times I’ve spoken with a friend or new client and when I’ve asked what steps have they taken to lose weight in the past and the answer was “I cut carbs out of my diet.” Even celebrity diets, like the Emily Ratajkowski diet plan, don’t cut carbs and she especially always looks phenomenal! Anyway, I usually shake my head and ask if they’ve had any headaches or loss of energy while trying this method and, sure as C4 give you the beta burns, they reply with “Yes.” Even though you can take a herbal stimulant like Kratom to tackle that tiredness, which you can find out more about at https://www.mitrascience.com/, there are so many reasons as to why you shouldn’t completely cut carbs out of your weight loss diet. First and foremost, carbohydrates are your main source of energy. Even with proteins and fats in a diet, they act more as fuel seeing the body takes longer to process proteins and fats than it does carbs. Carbs, when consumed are usually the first and immediate source of energy during an activity. We need a lot of fuel and energy to keep our bodies working when we’re at the gym or doing any daily life activity. When you cut out carbs completely during a diet, it may seem as if the weight is just shedding off but you’re depleting your system of a valuable source of energy which can turn out to be harmful to your muscles and liver. With so many contrasting opinions on what is and isn’t good for our bodies, it can be easier to simply have healthy, balanced meals delivered to their door. Have a read of these Meal Kit Advisor reviews to see which companies offer this, and if it could be a sensible option for you. However, it is a good idea to have a general understanding of what each food type has to offer. Glycogen is the product after carbs are broken down. Your liver and muscles both store glycogen as a source of fuel and energy but when you deplete your system of the necessary glycogen needed your body uses the glycogen reserve stored in your liver and muscles. You can use up the glycogen in your liver and muscles as quickly as two days. With the loss of glycogen, it may look on the scale as if you have loss some weight, but instead you are losing valuable fluid necessary for your body to function. Typically, you will find that those who are on low carb or no carb diets tend to quit working out and have more bodily aches due to the high stress put on the body. Without carbs, your muscles become fatigued quicker and take longer to recover. If you’re looking to lose weight, you should keep moving, and if you have no energy to move, you can’t lose weight. With the loss of carbohydrates, you are probably dehydrated. In a low or no carb diet you may find that fats are usually the replacement. You may see a diet with a meal consisting of nuts or adding healthy fats like coconut oil. As much as those are healthy alternative choices for snacks and unhealthy fats they can linger in your system for longer than you’d like. Fats can provide up to tens of thousands of calories to fuel your body, but the down fall is that it burns slower than carbs. It’s also easier to eat fats than carbs and with that can cause you to add a surplus of calories to your diet which will result in weight gain. Instead of feeling like every carb is a BAD carb, there are GOOD carbs as well. Good carbs consist of foods such as sweet potatoes, leafy colorful vegetables, whole grains and fruit (which should be consumed in moderation as well due to their high content of natural sugars.) Limiting and eating carbs in moderation and before physical activity helps you create the energy needed for your body to perform while still being able to lose weight. Carbohydrates are a key Macro in any diet, may it be for weight loss or muscle building, and are necessary for a healthy diet plan. Misusing the stored glycogen in our bodies can end up having long term effects on our liver and muscles. Not only are headaches and fatigue a side effect but studies have shown low carb diets have attributed some cancers. Instead of restricting ourselves of some of the pleasures of carbs, we should embrace our energy giving foods (in moderation of course) and expel the extra energy enjoying life.

What’s Worse: A Loud Pet Or A Stinky Pet?

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Some people really hate pets. It isn’t their fault. Maybe they just weren’t raised around them. But pets definitely can have their bad times.

What’s Worse: A Loud Pet Or A Stinky Pet?

7 Best Monkey Photos Of All Time

7 Best Monkey Photos of all time. Well at least 7 of hundreds that we come across at Monkey Pickles. fun random #cartoonbubble Monkey Photos and Dove Monkey Photos and Pee Monkey Photos and Glasses Monkey Photos and Hug Monkey Photos and Smiling Monkey Photos and Gun Monkey Photos Monkees Band

Searching For The World’s Strongest Coffee

What is the world’s strongest coffee? Is it the one that makes you feel like you’re ready to run a marathon faster than Usain Bolt? Or is it the one that actually makes you happy to be at work on a Monday after a weekend that felt like it lasted 45 seconds? We have lots of coffee-related questions, some of which convergent coffee answered for us. We haven’t quite found all the answers yet, but we’d like to take you on a journey through Cathy Coffee’s world as she searches for them.

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Cathy’s first question in the morning was whether or not she should try to find the strongest cup of coffee at Starbucks, her alternative was picking up a less acidic coffee which might get her day started even better than something super strong from Starbucks. She had heard rumors that Starbucks might be the place to go. But then she remembered the types who frequent the establishment. They all look like they’ve come out of some type of odd movie she would never watch. Besides, the one time she got a drink there, it tasted like it sat under a broiler for 20 minutes too long. She decided that Starbucks just wouldn’t be for her. Instead, she stayed in that morning with Folgers. Passable, she thought, but what am I missing? Is this really the best part of waking up? After all, she had awoken to “Eye of the Tiger” playing on her phone alarm. Sitting there in her apartment, she made the executive decision that this was nowhere near the best part of waking up, and it definitely wasn’t the world’s strongest cup of coffee. Her face nearly split itself in half as she yawned a mighty yawn. “Well, this sure isn’t working,” she muttered to herself. Did a burglar sneak in last night, make himself some coffee and dump the used grounds back in the tin? She choked down the last sip. At the office, she made what she figured was probably the world’s weakest cup of coffee. It’s possible this cup was the absolute weakest coffee she had ever tasted. Or was she just saying that because her mid-afternoon spreadsheets were the most boring things a human being could be forced to stare at? This coffee must have been on sale at the gas station last decade. How can anyone justify serving this? There wasn’t enough sugar in the world to overcome the salt from her silent tears. Later, Cathy met up with her male companion, Ken Caffeine. By this time, she needed a little pick-me-up if she was going to stay alert for the rest of the night. It wasn’t that Ken was boring. (Although he was really unbearable when he rambled on about his flavored water creations.) It was more that her quest had tired her out. She felt like she had been running in place on her quest — or rather, going backward. In desperation, she stopped at one of those places with only honey as a sweetener and 50 different diary-free “creamers.” Ugh. She realized at the end of the day that she was just never going to find the strongest cup of coffee this way. She would have to supplement her tiredness with more exercise or possibly energy drinks and nicotine patches. As she was finally drifting off to sleep around 2 a.m., she heard a soft tapping on her window. She opened her window and found a man in a dark coat standing there. “I hear you’re looking for the world’s strongest cup of coffee, ma’am.” Still wary, she nodded. “I’ve got a sample waiting for you if you’re still interested. And the first taste is free.”

To be continued, in…

World’s Strongest Coffee: Death Wish

What Does The Color Of Your House Say About Your Personality?

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Maybe nothing! But for some people, the color of your house is how you broadcast yourself to the world.

What Does The Color Of Your House Say About Your Personality?

10 Funny Words That Start With W

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Lots of good words begin with W. Some of them you can use starting today! Others you had better keep under your hat.

1. Wizened

Wizen means to dry or shrivel up. I bet you didn’t know that. Chances are you mistakenly used it, thinking it was “wisened.” You probably thought you called your dear granddaddy a “wizened old man with a heart of gold.” But you actually just called him a shriveled up old man. Shame on you. To think, he’s been sending you those $5 bills on your birthday all these years and this is how you thank him.

2. Widget

Web designers know widgets as those fun little mini-apps that line the sidebars of websites. English schoolboys know them as something not to be toyed with. “Stop playing with your widget, or you’ll go blind!” Mammy used to say.

3. Woot

Woot signifies a cheer, unless it has a period after it. It has to be followed by an exclamation point; otherwise it seems snarky. Here’s an example: You: I just won the lottery! Your friend: Woot! OR You: Hey! I just got that promotion! Your frenemy: Woot.

4. Wedgie

To a child, a wedgie signifies horrors beyond imagination. To an adult at a pizza party, a wedgie is just one more way to enjoy Italian pie.

5. Wamus

There are some really good words that you just can’t use. Although a wamus is a legitimate word for a heavy cardigan, if you use it in real life, you might get punched in the nose. You: “Your wamus feels really warm and fuzzy.” Ker-pow.

6. WYSIWYG

Okay, I cheated. This isn’t really a word. It’s an acronym that means “what you see is what you get.” I just like it because it’s actually pronounceable. You say “wizzywig,” which is really fun to say out loud.

7. Waffle

A delicious breakfast food, but also not a great thing to do. How is that possible? “He can’t make up his mind. He keeps waffling between ordering the waffles or the eggs.”

8. Wellborn

If you are wellborn, it means that you have upper-class lineage. So, where does that leave the rest of us? “Dirtpoorborn” probably means your ancestors lived paycheck to paycheck.

9. Wing It

To wing it means to throw caution to the wind and just figure it out as you go along. It carries with it a sense of carefree, happy-go-lucky attitude that I personally embrace. I like to wing it with a side of hot sauce and celery sticks.

10. Waitron

I might have made up this word. The way I see it, I need a waitron. A waitron would be a personal robot that waits on me hand and foot at home. It would vacuum the carpet, pay the bills and clean out the fridge. If you like, I can put you on the waitron list and notify you when they become available for purchase in your part of the country.

The Adventures Of Sheerluck Jolmes, Part 2: Too Much Onion

Previously, on Sheerluck Jolmes: We left Jolmes and Mustrade in a restaurant. While only there a short while a short while, they have been unable to find non-hallucinogenic sustenance, and a rapidly aging waiter has just accosted them. Is there any pasta in this restaurant? Will Jolmes’ opium shrimp cook in time? And will the aging waiter live through the entire page? Read on to find out! sheerluck jolmes, sherlock holmes, cartoon popovers

Come back next Saturday morning for the exciting continuation of the saga!

  The Sheerluck Jolmes Series Part 1: An Indisposed Chef Part 2: Too Much Onion Part 3: Shrimp & Smoke Part 4: Takeout Blueberry Pancakes Part 5: Dancing Sea Monkeys Part 6: A Deadly Rotating Bow Tie

3 New Zealanders And 3 Aussies Are At A Train Station…

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Funny Joke Of The Day

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies were at a train station. The Aussies noticed that the New Zealanders only bought one train ticket between the three of them. “How exactly do you three plan on traveling with one ticket?” one of the Aussies asked. “None of your business, mate,” replied one of the New Zealanders testily. Skeptical, the Aussies watched them. All three New Zealanders boarded the train, then went straight into the bathroom and shut the door. The ticket collector came into the carriage. When he saw the closed bathroom door, he started knocking impatiently. Out came a single hand holding the ticket. The Aussies watched, impressed, as the ticket collector continued into the next carriage. The very next morning, the three New Zealanders noticed the Aussies had arrived first and stood on the edge of the platform eagerly, with just one ticket. “Thanks for the trick, mates!” sneered one of the Aussies. “Happy to help, mate! We thought of a new trick, we’re going to get to work without even buying one ticket!” shouted back one of the New Zealanders. The Aussies shook their heads in disbelief, hopped on the train, and immediately rushed into the bathroom. “Well, what are we going to do now?” asked one of the other New Zealanders. “Don’t worry, just follow me,” said the New Zealander who had spoken to the Aussies. He strolled onto the train, walked over to the closed bathroom door and started knocking.  

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

  (Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Why No One Wants To Take Jobs In Chicago…

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Funny Joke Of The Day

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said he should reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world-class museums, loaded with a great history, right on the lake, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.” The first asked, “What did you do there?” To which the second man replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

What Should You Never Put On A Hot Dog?

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Hot dogs are great. Everyone loves hot dogs. They’re impossible to hate! Unless…

What should you never put on a hot dog?