Monkey Pickles & Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Allergy Information : This article may contain nuts :D) My first contribution to The Monkey Pickles Universe was a piece suggesting that its creator would merrily bounding around happily licking faces in innocent greeting & offer the quirky promise of a refuge from reality. Little did I know how right I was. Before Monkey Pickles I was mildly enjoying a snowball fight in less sparkly group when Mr M.Pickles bounded through with his MP business cards ( written in Cheese Whiz on crackers ). I took one … & very tasty it was too. Having washed it down with a scoop of snow I considered its message. “ Don’t eat the yellow snow.” …. I probably should have thought on that sooner. … But there was also the invitation to this land of treasures. ” Yarrr !! ” thought I, duct taping a parrot to a shoulder & poking myself in one eye. “This be for me, says I to thee. Yarrr! ” Further posts reported Bigfoot style sightings of Mr. Pickles, with his following of feral cats & his adventures in staying one bound ahead of the befuddled authorities. Still nothing bad happened to me and no men in black suits & dark glasses appeared at my door with a special pen that …………………………… sorry. … what was I saying? …… Oh yes, ” How curious. ” I thought. ” At this point there are usually white coats & butterfly nets. It is almost as if I am being encouraged to express the side of me that one school report described as …. complicated.” ” Cool ! ” I exclaimed to my dog, which didn’t really appreciate my revelation or pass comment upon it, ” I think I could enjoy myself here. ” And it was with the profile picture of a flaming cat that I discussed the topic “What would you do with the person above you?”… suggesting I crawl slowly across window sills pretending to be the sunrise while my accomplice set off a cockrel. This, too, seemed to go down well ( but not until sunset ) & again nothing bad happened. People continued to get up in plenty of time, continued to be friendly & welcoming & the sun rose as normal … & mewed at them. There were fewer than 300 Monkey Picklers back then but like moths to a cat of fire ( Stoopid moths. I’m not The Moon. I’m a cat & I’m in trouble. Fetch help. No, don’t come closer yo ….. Well now you’re going to have to walk home, aren’t you? ) … more wonderful individual minds arrived to find that they too could ‘share’ without the fear of medical intervention. And such adventures I had. I invented the game, ” What’s The Anti-Matter? “. Created new species such as Soap Bubble Puppies & the Hugapotamus ... And became a King. I even survived a challenge to my throne, tricking the simple turncoat, through his love for chocolate, into lordship of what was actually The Royal Kitty Litter. ” What has that to do with chocolate? “, you say. Well sadly .. kitty isn’t in th best of health these days. But …shush. Don’t say anything because Lord Kitty-Litter is still really pleased that the chocolate isn’t fattening. I now know the wonders of duct tape & of BRWBBs, have mastered the ninja battle cry of SPARKLES! I HAZ DEM, appreciate the value of the Wong answer and now realise that what is missing from a good snowball fight is a variety of interesting & suspiciously pungent soft centres. And yet there is so much more from too many under recognised brilliant minds. The wisdom of your contributions simply cannot be measured. And although it is wonderful exploring my imagination, getting lost & not finding my way out again … despite the trail of bread crumbs (very tasty) it is YOU, my fellow Picklers, that make it all possible. I have learnt & enjoy so much from you. My horizons have been expanded to such an extent that they contain shipping lanes. Thank you all so so much. (Compliments contain dairy product & must be consumed by egos within date)
Where did all the great Halloween costumes go?Seriously. I want to know. This year, 2013, costumes have taken a real dive. The number one costume this year is any of the men from Duck Dynasty. Yup. You got it. Duck men. Number two isn’t much better. How about Walter White? Don’t know who he is. Apparently you weren’t a fan of “Breaking Bad”, whatever that was.
Number three takes two peopleto create it. I’m not sure which end gets the candy, but the number 3 costume this year is the Hump Day Camel from the Geico Ads. Number 4 comes to us from HBO’s Game of Thrones. Yes, ladies. This one’s for you. Don your best ancient attire and be in style for Halloween. Twerk number 5. I can’t believe it but that stupid twerker created such a scene she is the number 5 costume for Halloween. If Halloween costumes are supposed to be frightening, and I believe they are, then this is the only one that qualifies so far.
Walking Dead’s Darryl Dixonis on tap for number 6. He isn’t all that scary. He’s actually rather cute, if you forget that he’s dead. Theodora from Oz the Great and Powerful takes the number 7 spot. Now this is one I could do – if I were 100 lbs. lighter, had dark hair and looked sexy like she does. The flappers from the Great Gatsby take the number 8 spot. Love these ladies and DiCaprio. Spock and Kirk are back. Or did they ever leave? Either way they hold the number 9 spot for costumes this Halloween. Oddball Alan from “Hangover” holds the number 10 spot.
All in all, the only thing scaryabout any of these costumes are that none of them are frightening when you see them. The fright comes in wondering why they made the hit parade of costumes and the insanity of parents in dressing their children in costumes such as these.
We all know the type: Somewhere in your town, there’s a little hideaway that’s hard to find but is amazingly delicious. If the place even has a website, it looks like it was built in 1997. But holy @#$%, the food is the best. Right?
What’s Your Favorite Hole-In-The-Wall Restaurant No One Knows About?
We all know there are some foods that we should avoid because they are bad for our health … but which foods are so bad for us that, after they’ve killed us, they torture our stomachs for all eternity. Below ( far far below in the fiery depths ) are ten hellish heart stopping suspects in our fiendish last supper.
2. Angel Of Death Cake
3. Hung Upside Down Cake
4. Misoul Soup
5. Deviled Ham
6. Ghost Peppers
7. The Evil Bread
8. Rack Of Lamb
9. Ice Cream
A Poem by JTR Franklin On a warm, sunny, summer day, a garage sale is under way. Toys, hats, clothes, and more. All lay on blankets, the great outdoors turned into a store. Little pants at one time came to life on young legs. Shirts once breathed along with a child, as it covered its little chest. Pajamas that slept warm and snug in a bed. Some shoes that once ran, hats that kept warm a little tots head. A few toys that one time were the bright spot in a child’s day. All the items lay hoping to once again to live, run, sleep, and play.
When you’re trying to switch to healthier eating habits, there is nothing worse than seeing any food that isn’t lettuce or water. It’s so frustrating to see someone mowing down a burger while you’re drinking kale-flavored kombucha, salivating and wishing you could just throw your food in a deep fryer. Here are some thoughts we’ve all had while dieting:
“WOOT made it through 24 minutes without thinking about sesame chicken!”
“Ok, when the server comes back, just CASUALLY take the dessert menu like it hasn’t been on your mind for the last hour and a half.”
“Someone is… on the other side of the building, having… (sniff)… birthday cake with… (clenches fist) buttercream frosting.”
“I wonder if anyone notices I’m Google Image searching Chocolate Fondue Bath.”
“Just one family size bag of M&Ms can’t be THAT bad, right?”
“If I have to see one more Applebee’s commercial I am going to punch my fist through the wall.”
“Don’t look at the pizza, it can sense your fear.”
“I feel weak. Need… sustenance… maybe some protein? Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream it is.”
“Ok, I only cheated 3 times today, I’m doing soooo well! And they say dieting is hard, pshhh!”
“So, if there are 4 servings in a bag, and I ate the whole thing except for the crumbs… we’ll just say 2 servings, there were a LOT of crumbs.”
The human body sports nearly five million hairs, and they’re all craving attention. From your chin to your armpits to your most sensitive private areas, those hairs are begging to be tugged … pulled … and oh yes, trimmed. In the mood or not, it’s your job to satisfy the cravings of your skin and rid its explosive need to be smoothed. It is time to give your skin what it needs: a hairless contour. Shaving shouldn’t be a chore. Make it the kind of experience that excites your skin and wakes it to new feelings. Have you ever seen (or should I say do you know) that there are people that have a fetish about shaving others? I’m sure you could find some examples on sites like fuckedtube.xxx or others. Anyhow here are some tips to get you started.
Hard And Sharp Gets It DoneNo one likes a wimpy razor. Soft and dull isn’t going to get the job done and could leave you disappointed and a bit frustrated. Always pull the sharpest, sturdiest razor from the drawer. It is the only way to guarantee the outcome you need.
Foreplay Is The RuleA satisfying shave always begins with preparation. You can’t jump straight into a shave. Your skin needs to be teased a bit. Use a facial cleanser to soften the skin and bring protein to the hair follicles. This will wake them up and get them ready for the job ahead.
Using Your Fingers Often Isn’t EnoughYour fingers do a good job of getting that shaving gel into your skin, but it just isn’t satisfying enough. Your skin craves more, so much more. Forcing that cream into the hair follicles with a badger brush will bring your shave to a whole new level.
Slow And SteadySometimes shaving just feels more like a chore than an experience to be savored. It isn’t something that can — or should — be done quickly. Take your time. Let yourself enjoy every moment of the experience. A rushed job is not going to feel as good as it should. It may not even end in an explosion of satisfaction, but rather with a thud of disappointment. Take it slow and easy and enjoy every minute.
Go Against The GrainThere are a lot of positions you can use when shaving. Choosing one is a very personal thing. But most experts agree that the best way to get the most out of the experience is to go against the grain of hair growth. This allows the shaver to catch the most hairs.
Hot And ColdNot all shaving experiences give you what you need — some leave you craving for more. If you find your shaving experiences lacking, you may want to try this simple trick: Make it hot and moist. To guarantee success, always begin with a hot moist towel over the skin to help awaken hair follicles. Once the shave is complete, end with a cool (or even cold) wash, leaving your skin feeling tingling and happy. Shaving does not have to become a mundane act that you do because it is expected. Allow yourself to enjoy the experience. Day or night, you just might discover that it is something you look forward to.
This is another wonderful submission from another person being a goofball at Monkey Pickles. My fingers froze above the keyboard and stayed that way. I tried to push them down but they wouldn’t budge. It was late morning. I had 2 pages written and needed 8 more, but writer’s block had swept in with a vengeance. My evil criminal mastermind stood waiting for me to inject some shred of humanity into his unfailingly dark past. The hero was looking for a flaw or two, anything to make him a bit more interesting. “Focus,” I shouted to no one but myself, “stay focused.” Smokey, my 90-pound shepherd/mastiff mix whimpered and covered his eyes with his paws. I growled at my hands, at the computer, at everything. Writer’s block wasn’t going to get me, not this time. My characters waited. They eyed me suspiciously. They grimaced. They cackled. They called me names. Nothing helped. Still, I would not be distracted by this problem. No, I would not be distracted. I was going to conquer this problem through brute force. A wet nose slopped against my left arm. Smokey looked up at me with those baby browns, leash dangling from his mouth. A large paw pushed against my thigh. He whimpered softly. His tail wagged twice. “Go on,” my characters jeered, “you’re useless here. At least you can walk the dog.” Smokey and I stepped out into the sunshine. Okay, I could stay focused on my story and get this job done at the same time. After three measured steps, he jerked me sideways. His nose just avoided a scraping as he ran this way and that, tail waving high and fast while he tracked some scent or other. I scolded the dog for getting distracted. We took two more measured steps. He sniffed a bush, evidently enjoying whatever it told him about those who had gone before. Then he lifted a leg and left a message of his own. I sighed. What a bubble brain my dog was! Once that nose of his engaged, he didn’t know the meaning of discipline or focus. Our heads turned at the sounds of scuffling feet and a ball smacking the ground nearby. The neighborhood kids yelled and waved and continued their basketball game. Smokey strained toward them. I pulled him back. His tail waved once before he turned back to our walk. We continued together, a few steps ahead, then a tug to one side or the other. The criminal and the hero watched me being tossed in the ocean of my dog’s distractions. They grinned. I forgot them and just enjoyed a cool breeze filled with the promise of spring. Birds, tiny ones from the sound of their calls, carried out a conversation nearby. Smokey continued his sniffing. We both jumped when the flock suddenly rose from the tree and flew away with all the appearance of a puffy dark cloud. Back at my desk, my characters waited. “You’re too serious;” I said, “you need a few distractions.” My fingers danced across the keyboard. Within minutes they were far too busy to worry about their previous lives or character flaws. I laughed. I cried. I took care of all of that for them. Writer’s block was gone. The world was full of humor and surprise and possibilities. Smokey’s fur tickled my arm. He leaned up against me angling for some petting. My characters relaxed and waited as we enjoyed another distraction. Author: Judy Downing Email: [email protected] Website: http://www.vapata.com/
Congratulations! You’ve survived another year of waiting and anticipation, and your reward is finally here. It’s National Doughnut Day! Many businesses offer specials or free doughnuts in honor of one of the best days of the year. We’re just glad there are others out there who value sugar and fried dough as much as we do. But whether you like apple fritters, maple bars or something else entirely, we’re pretty sure you don’t know the origins of National Doughnut Day. When we started looking into it, we were pretty surprised ourselves. The practice started during the Great Depression, and it’s one of the few national food holidays that wasn’t created by the companies making the food. Believe it or not, doughnuts weren’t a well-known food in the U.S. at the start of the 20th century. But when U.S. soldiers were fighting in Europe’s trenches during World War I, Salvation Army volunteers served doughnuts to the hungry soldiers to help them deal with the poor rations and muddy, demoralizing fighting conditions. When they got back from the war, they missed the sweet treats that had so brightened their days in the trenches, and the doughnut gained traction in the homeland. In 1938, the Salvation Army organization in Chicago started National Doughnut Day to boost fundraising and local awareness of its work, as well as to honor the work done by the doughnut girls in World War I. The Red Cross followed in the Salvation Army’s footsteps during World War II and sent units of doughnut girls to serve doughnuts to soldiers stationed in England. The practice seems to have stopped after World War II, however. If you just came for the doughnut down-low, Dunkin’ Donuts is giving away a free doughnut if you buy a drink and Krispy Kreme is giving away a free doughnut if you show up and ask for one. Here’s a pretty good list of places you can find free or discounted doughnuts in the U.S. and Canada today. Even if you can’t make it to a Dunkin’ Donuts or a Krispy Kreme today, we hope you’ll join us in celebrating the holiday. If you’re heading to a party tonight, we’d suggest stopping at the grocery store and picking up a dozen or so on your way. If you’ve got a Friday night date, maybe stop by a doughnut store on your way to meet up. (Or, if the date goes particularly well, maybe pick up some doughnuts for dessert tonight: If you get extras, you’ve already got your morning’s breakfast!)