Little Johnny Was Always Being Teased By The Other Boys…
Funny Joke Of The Day
Little Johnny would always be teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke was to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always took the nickel. One day, after Johnny took the nickel, a neighbor waited for the bullies to leave and then pulled Little Johnny aside. The neighbor said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?” Johnny grinned and said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it. So far I’ve made $20!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)A man goes to heaven, and the first thing he notices…
Funny Joke of the Day!
A man goes to heaven, and the first thing he notices is a wall covered in clocks. He asks an angel, “What are those clocks for?” “Each clock represents each human on Earth. Every time someone lies, the clock moves ahead by one minute. For example, this is the Pope’s clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied.” The angel goes on. “This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. It’s only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!” The man asks “Are there clocks for other politicians?” The angel says “Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices.” SourceSee More Funny Jokes Here!
Household Uses For Glucose
What’s the first thing which comes to your mind when you hear the word “Glucose?” Diabetes! Well, glucose is much more than that. It is a great energy source used all over the world to get some instant energy or recharge the energy levels in the body. But the word glucose may sound a bit scary to you because you have seen the doctors putting glucose into your grandma’s body with needles. Don’t worry! That’s not the only way to get glucose in your body; neither is glucose used only to gain energy. So, if you have some spare glucose powder in your home and you are needing a pick-me-up, you can put that glucose to good use.
Winning the Race
Let me guess, you have a crush on some sweet girl in your class. And just when you were about to let her know how you’re feeling, your romantic rival interfered. He challenged you to a race and the winner gets to woo the girl. But, you are a bit slow runner compared to him. How to beat him and win the girl? Take some glucose just before the start of the race. Glucose not only provides you with energy, but also starts to burn the fat in your body and give it a little more oxygen. With so many chemical reactions going on inside your body, you will become like a battery from the outside and may be able to complete the race a second faster than usual. I hope that is enough for you to win the race and the girl.Win the Spicy Meal Challenge
Glucose has a sweet taste. So, why not put into good use and cheat a little bit? Eat a good amount of glucose before sitting in a spicy meal eating competition. The glucose will get converted into sugar after some time and with so much sweetness already inside your body, how can anyone beat you now? Eat all the spice you want now and you won’t be feeling any heat or burning inside your body, because glucose has this COVERED. Smart! No?Fool Your Parents
Answer honestly! If I put two containers in front of you; one containing salt and one containing sugar, would you be able to tell the difference without tasting it? No! Nice way to trick people, isn’t it now? So, next time you are in the kitchen with your mom and she is preparing something salty but you like sweet better. Trick your mom and change the container of salt with the glucose one. Your mom wouldn’t found out about it (it’s a 40 – 60 chance when it comes to mothers; they are pretty cunning) and you will have your dish as sweet as you like it.Win a Boxing Match
When it comes to boxing, it’s all about stamina more than strength. So, if you are in a boxing match and want to hold an upper hand over your opponent, instead of using some drug and risk the chances of getting disqualified and shamed, use glucose. As everybody knows, glucose is an awesome source of energy. So drink some glucose water and feel super charged before your boxing match. Then go ahead and ram your opponent in front of your crush to impress her. I bet you never knew glucose can help you in so many ways to impress your girl! Did you?
How to Make Foam
Seriously, who doesn’t like a nice, well-made foam? It’s light, airy, beautiful… and well, it also simply has such a calm, tranquil feeling when you look at it. In fact, some of the benefits of making foam include: reduced stress levels, a sense of meaning, and a more positive outlook on life. And as we’ll find out in a moment or two, people just love making it. This is because, in a world of constantly flashing lights and buzzing devices, foam represents the pure, delicate side of a nature we long to return to, being the sensitive human beings that we are.
How to Make Foam – Hire a 5-Year-Old With a Glass of Milk and a Straw
It doesn’t get more classic than this one when it comes making foam. Just about every 5-year-old on the planet knows about this trick. All you need to do is merely find the tallest glass you can find, pour it to the top with deliciously cold milk, and grab a straw. You’ll have to pay the 5-year-old of course, but we hear that they’re complete suckers for a box of cookies to go with that milk. And if you’re feeling particularly ambitious about your foam-making skills, hire a whole ton of 5-year-olds.How to Make Foam – Let an Incredibly Big Whale Die On the Beach
Returning to our topic of how wonderful nature is, this one is absolutely undeniable in its foamy goodness. It’s an odd fact of the natural world that fat and salt water make an especially sweet foam. Who would have thought it?! In reality, all foam you find on seashore is actually the sludgy, biodegrading bodies of all those cute little sea animals out there. Some of it is even dead mermaid! How magical is that? Pretty miraculous. And really cool for our foam making needs. We’ll need the biggest marine animal we can find to make the most foam possible, and a whale hits the spot.How to Make Foam – Head Over To Your Neighbor’s House and Fill Their Pool With Dish Soap
Everyone loves a good bubble bath. They’re pleasant, plenty of fun, and super foamy! So of course, we have to take this to its logical conclusion, but while also letting everyone join in on the excitement at the same time. For this way of making foam, you’ll want to choose your neighbor with the biggest pool and stop by with a bottle of dish soap. When they’re a bit distracted, slip out and get pouring! Whatever you do, don’t leave a single drop in that bottle, because this way, you’ll get the whole neighborhood in a foamy good mood!How to Make Foam – The Traditional “Diet Coke and Mentos” Method
Ever popular during the 1990s, this process for making foam is tried and true and won’t steer you wrong. But don’t do it the boring way, by just dropping a few Mentos candy pieces in a glass of soda. Instead, find a 2-liter—or better yet, a 3-liter—bottle of your favorite soda. As quickly as you can, unwrap the entire roll of Mentos, but don’t eat any, because we’re going to need every single one of them. You’ll need to be faster than lightning when you drop them all into the soda and cap it back up. What happens next after you take the cap off again is simply marvelous: a one-way ticket to the grandest, most foamy rocket ship ever created.How to Make Foam – Grab Your Best Male Friend and Have Them Pee
Lastly, pee. That’s right, good old urine! If you’re a lady, just ask any of your guy friends, and they’ll tell you all about this impressive way of making a lot of foam. Depending on their diet, their pee can be astonishingly foamy. This is because the protein in their diet contributes to all those little fun bubbles! You can even jack up the foam levels by feeding them a protein shake before they pee, resulting in some of the best foam you’ve seen in your entire life.Who Is Your Favorite Superhero?
Superheroes are all the rage these days. But superheroes haven’t just been popular in the last 10 years. Maybe you like the obscure superheroes or maybe you like the top names (e.g., Batman and Superman) like everyone else. Tell us about anyone that has powers of any kind.
Who Is Your Favorite Superhero?
A Little Old Lady Takes Her Parrot To The Vet One Day…
Funny Joke Of The Day
A little old lady takes her parrot to the vet one day. The vet looks at the stiff and lifeless parrot and says, “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but this parrot is dead.” The little old lady says, “I’m sure you can’t be certain so quickly. Isn’t there a way to be absolutely certain?” At this, the vet whistles and a Labrador retriever walks into the examining room. The dog sniffs around the parrot for a few seconds, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head. The little old lady is having none of it. “A dog shakes its head and I’m supposed to believe that?!” she shouts. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to do more than that before I’ll believe my parrot is dead.” So the vet walks out the room and comes back carrying a cat. The vet puts the cat on the table next to the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then looks at the vet, shakes his head and jumps off the table. At last, the little old lady seems convinced. As she is about to walk out of the door, the vet tells her that she owes him $500. ”What?!” the little old lady shouts. “How the heck could it cost so much just to tell me my parrot is dead?” The vet says, “Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan, it gets expensive.”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)Household Uses For Boric Acid: Zombie Edition
Just when you think you’ve gotten then entire house cleaned up, you hear a little wiggle here, a scratch there. Before you know it you realize that there is a zombie in the corner, happily nibbling on aunt Esters leg. Well, as the saying goes, if you want something done well, you have to do it yourself. A few whacks with a butcher knife and that zombie is history. However, as we all know, zombie corpses can leave traces of bacteria and germs behind. Therefore, it is important to be able to get the stains up as quickly as possible, as well as control the spread of disease and stench as quickly as possible. In such cases, boric acid is your friend.
Boric Acid as Pest Control
Zombie droppings attract ants. There is no way around it. If zombies have camped in your back yard for any length of time, you know that by morning, your pumpkin patch will be littered with zombie droppings. While not dangerous to the human, these droppings do tend to have an unpleasant odor, as well as a habit of attracting ants, fleas and flies. Indeed, you can be sure, that after nibbling a few hours on your next door neighbor, that zombie will probably pay a visit to your garden to seek relief. Normally, zombies prefer to dig a hole, relieve themselves, and cover it up like a cat. However, this not always the case, especially when zombies consume the elderly, as the elderly usually have a higher concentration of laxatives and prune juice in their digestive system. In order to lessen the chance that the ants will multiply and enter your home, we strongly suggest that you mix a paste of boric acid, flour and some bits of food, and place them around the droppings. As a result, the population of ants and flies will be reduced.Boric Acid as a Disinfectant
We all know the difficulty in making sure that an area is disinfected after a zombie attack. With all the hackings and whackings, both slabs of stinky flesh and tidbits of tiny zombie hairs can intertwine with the fabric of your rugs, couches and chairs. Not to mention that new kitchen flooring you just installed. However, most over the counter cleaners are expensive over time, and it would be nice to simply have something you could reach for in between kills. Boric acid is a handy, dandy little disinfectant and antifungal powder. Simply mix a bit of it with water, place in a convenient spray bottle, and proceed to spritz around the body. A spritz here and a spritz there, means that that once bloodied hallway can now be germ free for half the cost of a name brand cleaner.Boric Acid as an Anti-Fungal
Intestinal debris: they’re the worst. However, that is usually what you get when you slice an invading zombie from stem to stern. We all know how much those zombies can eat at one sitting. Why, my best friend Alfie Chapel weighed a good 250 pounds, and the damn zombie had no trouble downing his entire torso in one sitting. As can be seen, zombie entrails can be quite problematic. There are over 20 miles of human flesh impacted in average zombie intestine, and that has to go somewhere. Indeed, zombie intestines have a tendency to spill out onto the floor, over furniture and across table tops, and the fact that they are in a state of decay, means that necrotic bits of loose flesh will always land in those special, hard to reach places. In an effort to reduce the spillage and stench, call upon your good friend, boric acid. Simply mix a little boric acid and water and proceed to do a nice mop up of the offending area. Within seconds, you’ll begin to sense the clean, and enjoy the newfound freshness.Boric Acid as a Household Deodorizer
Yep, we’ve all had that occasion where you kinda find yourself with what to do with that decaying dead zombie your uncle Edwin left in the basement. Hey, it happens and we’ve all been there. Well, have no fear because right in your corner cupboard is a surprising and very beneficial little ‘fixer’, boric acid, or Borax if you have the commercially prepared version. This versatile little box of powder is just what the doctor ordered, to take care of left of spills, such as the one your uncle Edwin left for you. Never again do you have to suffer the stench of decayed, necrotic and rotting flesh after an attack. Simply mix up some boric acid in a spray bottle with water and spritz away. Remember, it is also very good for getting bits of rot, dirt and grime from your clothes, simply add 1/2 a cup to your laundry, and wash as usual. There you have it. The perfect product to end all of your zombie cleaning solution issues. Boric acid is a no fuss, no muss product that can be easily mixed with water. If those of you still have access to markets or department stores, you may be able to pick up some commercially prepared powders which have added benefits. In the end, no matter which route you take, you can’t go wrong with boric acid.Household Uses For Salt
When we hear the word salt being mentioned in our homes, we directly get our minds thinking of something that is added into food. Okay, there are those people who have waged war against it because they think that it is an disease-causing component, while others love it because it makes their food taste better. The truth of the matter is that there are a million ways in which salt can be used apart from making you lick your fingers after a meal. The following uses will ensure that you have a massive stock in the house because you’ll never want to run out of salt!
Keep Windows Free Of Frost
We know you like peeping through the window to see who it is that your neighbor has brought home this time around. But this paparazzi work gets a little bit difficult during the winter season as the windows tend to be covered by frost. But you know what, we have a perfect solution for you! This time, we will give it out for free because we need you to be as effective as a surveillance camera when spying on neighbors. What you need to do is to mix some water with salt and then wash your windows with it. Do this immediately, and thank us later!Destroy The Grass In Your House Cracks
If you are clueless of what to do to eliminate that grass that keeps sprouting at the cracks of your house, then we’ve got good news for you. To say a forever bye-bye to the grass, make some salt solution and pour it at the cracks, followed by pouring some hot water. Bam! No more pesky nature climbing into your abode.Get Rid Of A Wine Stain
Did you know that staining your tablecloth is a very disappointing thing? Okay, if you do not have an idea, let me explain it to you. A wine-stained tablecloth looks similar to a cloth stained with blood. How does that look? Pretty shady. But there is an easy way of which you can do away with the ugly stain on that tablecloth. What you need to do is to get that wine stain blotted, followed by mixing some salt to become a dense solution. Pour the thick layer at the stain and take and occupy yourself doing something else like a little romance, meanwhile waiting for it to dry, right? When dry, rinse the table cloth with some cold water and guess what? Problem solved! If you have somehow managed to get wine onto your brand new carpet and have no clue how to get it out, you could always use the services of a carpet cleaning lake forest company (if you live in and around Illinois) to help get your carpet looking as good as new.Cleaning A Cutting Board
Are you aware that cleanliness is second to Godliness? This means that you need to maintain cleanliness from all aspects, be it clothes, the house, or even cooking utensils. As we know, a cutting board is used universally to cut many foods on it. With this in mind, you are assured that any bacteria may wish to make a home there so as to get some gain from the food being left there. But what will happen to you? You will be welcoming diseases into your body! Why don’t you save that money that you would have used to buy medicine when sick, and buy a beer for yourself? This can only be possible when you learn this easy way of cleaning the cutting board. Just pour some table salt on that cutting board, then using a damp cloth, rub it on the board’s surface gently. Finish by rinsing it in warm soapy water, and it will be free from germs.
How To Use A Bidet Toilet (The Best Way!)
To those who have never encountered a public bidet, a few questions arise. The first one is usually, “What is that?” A dog bowl? A urinal? Is there a difference?
For many Westerners, bidets can seem mystical and a bit intimidating. While the promise of a truly football-free end zone may seem like the stuff of legends, a sunflower-fresh fudge factory is something any person can aspire to.
To help you on that end, we’ve provided some simple tips for a squeaky-clean bidet experience.
First, How Not To Use A Bidet
It’s important to remember the bidet is for cleaning up after the potty. Under no circumstances should you go boom boom or make wee wee in the bidet itself. Not only is this bad manners, it’s grody because the bidet is not intended to flush peanuts or corn kernels.Position
To operate a bidet properly, you must sit the opposite way you would on a toilet. Straddle the seat in the reverse cowgirl position. This allows you to tweak the knobs that control the jet of water. To properly straddle the bidet, you may need to remove your pants. Bidet connoisseurs delicately call this move “gettin’ nekkid.”Find The Perfect Water Pressure
Many bidets allow you to control the temperature as well as the pressure of the water. This is perfect for those who enjoy a refreshing magma jet to their nether regions. If you prefer frigid, icy water on your fart flower, that is an option as well. If you can’t seem to get enough pressure in the water flow, you may have a leak somewhere in your pipes, for which it is recommended that you contact an epoxy pipe lining company who can strengthen them internally. Pressure and position are extremely important during the dingleberry accounting process. If your bull’s-eye is not centered properly, you may find yourself with a geyser upside the shirt. Returning from a restroom with a wet shirt will immediately identify you as someone who doesn’t know crap. Once the ideal pressure and temperature is found, you can partake freely, splishing and splashing as the mood strikes you. Perhaps you prefer a high-pressure hose-down? Or maybe all you need is a trickle to dislodge that brown pickle. Either way, Uranus should be free of Klingons when the deed is done. (That’s an analogy, of course.)The Public Butt Towel
If you’ve properly enjoyed your bidet time, your aft aperture should be a drippy and slippy. There may be a towel nearby to dry off but many Westerners prefer old-fashioned toilet paper. Then again, if you don’t use the butt towel, you may be offending your hosts. Just to be safe, inquire about house rules regarding butt drying. That was a lot of information. Let’s recap: 1. No boom booms in the bidet. It’s bad form! 2. Straddle the bidet, facing the faucets. 3. Use caution with temperature and pressure. 4. Verify the water stream is on target to avoid unnecessary splashing. 5. Dry either with toilet paper or that towel everyone else has been rubbing on their buttholes. That’s it! Enjoy your cleanliness.The Spirit Makes The Master
And by Spirit I mean:
However, in the spirit of the holidays, the spirit will be sitting on a lot of kitchen tables, bars, living room floors, under wrapped in presents, and possibly going down the throats of many at office holiday parties, family gatherings, and/or #foreveraloneing it with a bottle of Vodka.
The spirit can defiantly make the master in a number of ways. The spirit can come in many different shapes and forms, but with a quick Google search, we can all figure out what spirit makes us the drunkest the quickest. (Just remember, Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer)
I would just like to throw in a few recommendations from my family:
Budweiser: Perfect for the maters to crack open an watching as your family indulges in presents that the jolly old fat man sent
As a college student, I am all too comfortable with the spirit.
Rather I be in Math 109, and smell the spirit of booze from a cross the room, or walking down the hill and see what remains of a solo cup that housed the spirit the night night before. Ant my all time favorite -the reason I go to football games- the drunken Sorority an Fraternity students getting completely wasted off of the spirit. Sometimes I think they take our school motto a little too literally.
However, in the spirit of the holidays, the spirit will be sitting on a lot of kitchen tables, bars, living room floors, under wrapped in presents, and possibly going down the throats of many at office holiday parties, family gatherings, and/or #foreveraloneing it with a bottle of Vodka.
The spirit can defiantly make the master in a number of ways. The spirit can come in many different shapes and forms, but with a quick Google search, we can all figure out what spirit makes us the drunkest the quickest. (Just remember, Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer)
I would just like to throw in a few recommendations from my family:
Budweiser: Perfect for the maters to crack open an watching as your family indulges in presents that the jolly old fat man sent
Ice House: Why would you drink this? No one would drink this, gross.
Vodka: Eh, it may be 6am when the kids come running down the stairs, but remember The spirit makes the master, the master must be calm enough to deal with screaming children who didn’t get what they asked for. Keep calm and pour yourself a well deserve glass! Wine: Classy! Very Classy! It will go lovely on that white table clothe, eh? Split all over it, because Uncle Joe had one too many shots of moonshine this morning. Re-think the white mom, re-think it. V.S.O.P : Go for it, lets be casual. Remy: Isn’t that the same as V.S.O.P? All a go my friend! Moonshine: Eh.. keep it away from the light weights.. so, everyone. Jack Daniels: Is what we drink after the children are put to bed, the house has been cleaned and it’s just us adults. ‘Coffee’ : We call it ‘coffee’ because we all know it’s spiked. There is no way your mother is sitting there calmly watching you open presents. It’s spiked. The spirit determines the mood of the night or morning. It’s like I said before, The spirit makes the Master.Kesha And The Dollar Sign
Welcome Ke$ha to Monkey Pickles.. HAHHAHAHA Your inspiring songs have really moved us to become better in what we do in life. Especially after 6pm at night any day of the week. Its like pure tearful emotion that you like our beards and you know that place downtown with glitter on the floor.. I mean I like glitter who doesn’t? Whiskey tastes great out of a water bottle.
I wish our name had some fun symbols in it.. Like Monkey Pickle$
In New York City, A Man Is Going To Jump Off A Tall Building…
