How To Use A Bidet Toilet (The Best Way!)

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To those who have never encountered a public bidet, a few questions arise. The first one is usually, “What is that?” A dog bowl? A urinal? Is there a difference?

For many Westerners, bidets can seem mystical and a bit intimidating. While the promise of a truly football-free end zone may seem like the stuff of legends, a sunflower-fresh fudge factory is something any person can aspire to.

To help you on that end, we’ve provided some simple tips for a squeaky-clean bidet experience.

First, How Not To Use A Bidet

It’s important to remember the bidet is for cleaning up after the potty. Under no circumstances should you go boom boom or make wee wee in the bidet itself. Not only is this bad manners, it’s grody because the bidet is not intended to flush peanuts or corn kernels.


To operate a bidet properly, you must sit the opposite way you would on a toilet. Straddle the seat in the reverse cowgirl position. This allows you to tweak the knobs that control the jet of water.

To properly straddle the bidet, you may need to remove your pants. Bidet connoisseurs delicately call this move “gettin’ nekkid.”

Find The Perfect Water Pressure

Many bidets allow you to control the temperature as well as the pressure of the water. This is perfect for those who enjoy a refreshing magma jet to their nether regions. If you prefer frigid, icy water on your fart flower, that is an option as well. If you can’t seem to get enough pressure in the water flow, you may have a leak somewhere in your pipes, for which it is recommended that you contact an epoxy pipe lining company who can strengthen them internally.

Pressure and position are extremely important during the dingleberry accounting process. If your bull’s-eye is not centered properly, you may find yourself with a geyser upside the shirt. Returning from a restroom with a wet shirt will immediately identify you as someone who doesn’t know crap.

Once the ideal pressure and temperature is found, you can partake freely, splishing and splashing as the mood strikes you. Perhaps you prefer a high-pressure hose-down? Or maybe all you need is a trickle to dislodge that brown pickle. Either way, Uranus should be free of Klingons when the deed is done. (That’s an analogy, of course.)

The Public Butt Towel

If you’ve properly enjoyed your bidet time, your aft aperture should be a drippy and slippy. There may be a towel nearby to dry off but many Westerners prefer old-fashioned toilet paper. Then again, if you don’t use the butt towel, you may be offending your hosts. Just to be safe, inquire about house rules regarding butt drying.

That was a lot of information. Let’s recap:

1. No boom booms in the bidet. It’s bad form!

2. Straddle the bidet, facing the faucets.

3. Use caution with temperature and pressure.

4. Verify the water stream is on target to avoid unnecessary splashing.

5. Dry either with toilet paper or that towel everyone else has been rubbing on their buttholes.

That’s it! Enjoy your cleanliness.