Mauve-ing On Up

SonOfMonkeyPickles
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Mauve-ing On Up

It is not November at all !!!

November has been usurped by Movember.Surprised pumpkin
Recent articles have urged you, dear readers, to ‘remember, remember the fifth of November.’Little did I realize at the time how prophetic my warning was.

Julius Caesar would turn in his grave …

or his salad … or toss in his salad … Okay, probably not that last one … that’s not a nice image. Anyhow, Julius was very particular about months so how would he react to this sudden change to the institution that he loved, possibly above all things including sausages ? I’d like to think he would take the news quite well.I believe Julius will have realized that Movember is an unofficial title and a fun, effective way of raising awareness about prostate cancer and other cancers affecting men that we avoid educating ourselves to in the same way that you just don’t ask for directions when you’re lost.

Julius would have been against direcrtile dysfunction

and be in favor of people getting the requisite prostate exams. Not because he had an invasive procedure fetish ( not only a pretty bad fetish that wouldn’t get too far on a site like https://www.hdpornvideo.xxx/?hl=de, but there is no evidence for that anyway ) but because you don’t make Caesar unless you make good decisions …. and have fresh lettuce.
One thing might bother Julius, however. He would, of course, support the message and the spirit of Movember but undoubtedly it would irk him that only the M of Movember sounds anything like mustache.
So how to make this ensemble of media visibility, health awareness, November and fun filled community spirit a more cohesive force ?
The inevitable conclusion Julius would logically arrive at would, of course, be to grow your mustache … and then to dye it a striking shade of mauve.
 

Mauve-mber! … Now I get it. Thank you strange hairy man. I will go book my prostate exam straight away.

It is just a thought … but if you want to support this cause and you fear your charitable mustache will be lost among the existing mustache community, what better way for it to stand out than to dye it mauve?
You won’t look weird because it is a charity mustache, and if you were worried that growing a mustache will put you at risk of being kidnapped by The Village People whom may condemn you to a life of revival gig servitude, then dying your mustache mauve would ruin their nefarious plans.
Let face it, many old ladies have unwittingly championed mauve hair for years … and I’m not going to tell them it looks bad. … Some of those handbags hurt. I swear, they’re full of rocks or something.
 

So let’s see your best mauves.

The best mauve mustache may win a prize.
It’s not too late to be a facial hair hero.
Disclaimer : Prizes may entirely consist of non-existent lettuce leaves ( postage & packaging not included also on the basis of being non-existent. )
You can support research if you like but raising awareness is just as important.
Footnote : Lettuce is not necessary for a prostate exam.

You Can Pick A Turkey (But You Can’t Pick Your Relatives)

Leslie M
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You Can Pick A Turkey (But You Can’t Pick Your Relatives)

It was late afternoon . . .

The sun – just barely peeking through, casting a warm glow across the linen dressed table. Perfectly choreographed fine china. Candlelight – flickering, flirting; dancing alongside the portly glasses, adorned in red. Turkey – carved, and presented, beautifully, on a platter. Anticipation of a tasty, mouthwatering meal. And, as they all gathered ‘round, cousin Bob spoke (a question, in the form of a statement, and very profound):

“DO I HAVE A BUTT CHIN.”

And, so began the dinner table conversation . . . “HE has a butt chin.” “SHE has a butt chin.” “YOU have a butt chin.” “I DO???” “What IS a BUTT chin?” “I DO NOT HAVE A BUTT CHIN!!!”

Suddenly, Grandma Rose,

who is sometimes there (sometimes, not), chimed in: “With a chin like that, I’ll bet your mom had a hard time figuring out which end to diaper.” STUNNED SILENCE. LAUGHTER. Then, cousin Bob spoke up, again. “Who can touch their tongue to the tip of their nose?” And, the dinner conversation continued . . .                

A Night Out With The Whiskey Legends

Monkey Pickles
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A Night Out With The Whiskey Legends
Jack sat at the end of the bar, looking sullenly into his empty glass. He had been there for hours, sipping away on a quality Tennessee whiskey, alone. Suddenly, he felt a firm hand hit his shoulder. He turned slowly, unable to muster much energy. “Jack,” said an older man in with a gruff, weatherworn voice. A worn top hat was nestled over his graying, stringy hair. His black, dirty coattails flowed behind him when he walked, a striding man who carried a cane. His look was authentic, as if he had just came from a fancy party in 1908. Unfortunately, it was 2016. He looked like a period drama actor or one of those guys from an amusement park stage show. “Johnnie,” replied Jack, looking up with an expression that most would consider a pained grimace. In Jack’s mind, it was an acknowledging smile. Johnnie took a seat next to Jack, and the two sat next to each other silently for several minutes, neither having anything to say. They had always been this way, since meeting nearly 50 years ago fighting together in Vietnam. They were much younger then, of course, but they both had a dignified silence about them even as kids. When either of them spoke, people listened. The bartender brought Johnnie his usual drink, a fine Scotch. Johnnie laid the payment on the bar with a nod, took a sip of his drink and set it down with a long sigh. “What happened to Jameson wasn’t your fault, Jack. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. And you know how Jameson is … was,” he corrected himself. “He talked a big game, but at the end of the day, he always had a hard time backing it up.” Jack frowned, the pain of the incident replaying in his mind over and over again. “I know it isn’t my fault, Johnnie. It’s just that he didn’t deserve what happened to him. He was a fun-loving kid, always was. Loved the ladies.” A slight chuckle escaped Johnnie’s lips. “Kid? Jameson was well-aged, Jack. He looked like he was at least 236 years old! He knew what he was getting into when he decided to tangle with those young bucks.” “I know that, Johnnie,” Jack replied. “Dadgummit, I know that. But we should have been there for him. He shouldn’t have had to fight Jose by himself. That blue agave stuff he drinks packs a punch. We were a team and we let him down.” Johnnie snapped back, “And what would we have done, exactly? We’re old. We’re washed up. Hell, your back hasn’t been the same since the war, and I have been on this cane for at least 10 years now. He shouldn’t have tried to fight with Jose. He should have walked away.” The two let those words float over them like a cloud of cigar smoke. They both missed their friend. Jameson was a good guy, but his mouth sometimes got the better of him. And now, he was gone.

A Policeman In The Big City Stops A Man In A Car…

Monkey Pickles
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A Policeman In The Big City Stops A Man In A Car…

Funny Joke Of The Day

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat. “What are you doing with that monkey?” he exclaims. “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat. This time, both of them are wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over again. “I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!” he says, exasperated. The man replies, “I did. We had such a good time that we’re going to the beach this weekend!”    

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

  (Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Monkey Pickles Writing Contest

Monkey Pickles
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Monkey Pickles Writing Contest
In celebration of Monkey Pickles turning 1 year old in March. We are launching a creative writing contest with a winner being choosen on Thursday, April 1, 2010. and your article will be highlighted and blogged. Alright goofballs since most people have a little fun mentally and probably could be left alone for extended periods of time and not be bored otherwise you dont get Monkey Pickles.  We will host a creative writing contest; all of the wonderful posts, discussion topics, and friendships. Have yielded many creative funny people.  If you’ve ever thought about writing, how to get my name out there, I would like someone to write for etc..  Then here is your chance Monkey Pickles Network encompasses about 2,000 people let your journey begin. All posts have the potential to be used on Monkey Pickles at later dates and will be referenced accordingly provided you have submitted how you would like to be referenced.  If not it will be referenced as a Monkey Pickles Fan with your name. 1. ELIGIBILITY
  • Be a goofball and like to be creative without taking yourself to serious
  • Must be a Fan of our Facebook Page or a Twitter follower prior to submitting your article !
  • Must be over 13 and younger than 105. (although if you are over 100 and on Facebook/ Twitter and writing consider yourself an instant winner)
  • And live in US, Canada, Austrailia, or the UK…
2. DESCRIPTION OF CONTEST AND CONTEST PERIOD
  • Be creative and have fun
  • Contest runs from 2/24/2010 until 3/28/2010 (6:00pm Central Standard time)
  • Your allowed to submit 2 articles per user. 1 has to be from a pre-selected topic, the other can be whatever you choose. Please submit your articles from the same exact email.
  • If you choose to retain credit for your work please include an email, website, blog, Twitter, or a Facebook link so we can include with the article that will be publicy shared.  If not included you will just be referenced by name as a Monkey Pickles Fan, and we can get ahold of you if your selected as a winner and can ship your prizes to you.
3. ARTICLE GUIDELINES
  • Article or thought should be greater than a 200 words less than 2 pages
  • Your allowed to submit 2 articles per user. 1 has to be from pre-selected topic, the other can be whatever you choose. Please submit your articles from the same exact email.
  • When you submit your article please include the topic keyword in the subject line.
  • Submit your article as standard email or as an attachment in Word format (No tables, special indents, unnecessary formatting.)
  • Your allowed to submit 1 photo (providing your sure your okay with copyright stuff) with your article as an attachment not pre-formatted into the article.
  • Same Golden Rules of forum/ discussion/ comment posts apply.  You can view them on the blog on left hand side or from our Facebook Fan Page under the Info Tab.
Submit your article to:  [email protected] 3. TOPICS TO CHOOSE FROM
  • Benefits of Day Dreaming ~ [DAY DREAM]
  • What is a Goofball/ or life of a ~ [GOOFBALL]
  • A Day in Human Hamster Ball ~ [HAMSTER]
  • This One Time at Band Camp ~ [BAND]
  • Why Being Easily Distracted Makes Life More Fun ~ [SPARKLES]
  • Why You’ve Enjoyed Monkey Pickles ~ [MONKEY PICKLES]
  • Awww that would be a Nice Happy Place ~ [HAPPY]
  • If you could see My Cartoon Bubbles ~ [CARTOON BUBBLES]
  • OR
  • Whatever pops into your head and you would like to write about.. [FREE]
4. WINNER SELECTION AND PRIZE

Do’s and Don’ts of Makeup

Monkey Pickles
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Do’s and Don’ts of Makeup
If you’re a makeup newbie, you may be feeling lost with all of the options bombarding you on the daily. Between YouTube makeup gurus, Instagram makeup artists, and your elderly neighbor scolding you for not wearing enough rouge, it’s a veritable cosmetics jungle out there. The confusing world of makeup can be tough to tackle- it’s not just mascara and lip gloss anymore, guys. There’s contouring, highlighting, eyebrows on fleek, flawless foundation (such as this Estee lauder foundation) that is supposed to get someone “shook” … like, what? We get it: it’s a labyrinth of quirky gadgets and endless steps to achieve even a minimalist look. That’s why we decided to create this guide of Do’s and Don’ts of Makeup to hold your hand through the barrage of pressure to be the queen of cosmetics.

DO Go To Bed With Makeup On

This one’s easy: to get the most out of the day’s makeup, you’ll want to just keep it on until it all rubs off of your face. When you go to sleep with it on, most of your makeup will simply stay on, leaving you an extra 10 or so minutes the next morning to do whatever you want, like cuddling your Captain Picard cardboard cutout. Over time, your face will become accustomed to makeup being on your face at all times, and adjust accordingly- you’ll have flawless skin and perfectly lined eyes without even blinking an eye.

DON’T Wear Neutral Colors

A monotone face says, “I’m boring and hate fun.” When you wear neutral-colored makeup, it gives off the vibe that you are only interested in painting your face to fit in, not to stand out; what good is a face full of makeup if it isn’t a veritable party for all to witness? A standard cookie-cutter makeup application is a waste of time. Use complimentary colors to dazzle onlookers with your color wheel prowess- blue eyeshadow paired with orange lipstick is a beautiful trend, but to really WOW yourself in the mirror, change it up and try orange eyeshadow with blue lipstick. It’s hot AND cool!

DO Shave Your Brows, Then Draw Them On

If you’re still waxing and filling in your eyebrows to get that perfect arch, you need to stop the insanity. Shaving your brows and drawing them on is easy and will save you a ton of time and effort, especially for you amateur makeup artists. You can learn tips and techniques however to get started, practice makes perfect so keep learning and reading up on articles on makeup, click here if learning how to get fuller and longer lashes is something you are interested in. Or maybe you would just like to stick to the eyebrows for now, one step at a time and you will go from an amateur to a professional in no time. It is SO much cleaner and more natural than trying to artificially shape the caterpillar brows you’ve got going on right now. You can shave your brows just as you would a beard or a monkey: grab a razor and glide against the grain. That smooth canvas is just begging for a new eyebrow shape! Depending on your hair color, create your NEW eyebrow shape on with any of the following implements: a Sharpie, henna, a Spirograph, colored pencil, charcoal, a 3D printer, squid ink, or a rubber stamp.

DON’T Shy Away From Bronzer

The ultimate secret to looking like a goddess is to create a faux sun-kissed tan. When we say sun-kissed, we really mean beaten-about-the-face-with-brown-glitter. If you want to make an impact with your Xlash makeup, you’ve got to be fearless. Now, if the concept of bronzer is scary to you, no worries! A little tip the pros use: start out with dirt. It’s the most natural-looking bronzer because it IS natural. Once you get more comfortable with using Mother Earth’s natural bounty, add in some glitter for the ultimate light-reflective touch of “sun.” Feeling bolder now? Crumble some glass into fine particles or get some confetti to really get the bronzing party started!

Would You Be A Pirate Or A Ninja?

Monkey Pickles
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Would You Be A Pirate Or A Ninja?
Pirates are brash, bold and in-your-face. Ninjas are sneaky and efficient.

Would You Be A Pirate Or A Ninja?

9 Funny Words That Start With B

Monkey Pickles
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9 Funny Words That Start With B
These nine uproariously funny words that start with B will entertain and educate you. Really!

1. Bacchanal

Would you rather be called a drunk or a bacchanal? You know, if the title fit? I bet you chose bacchanal, because that word sounds like you’re the ruler of a castle or earl of the kingdom. The other word sounds like you’re lucky to have a job. If your child comes home from college with a bacchanal, say goodbye to your wine.

2. Ballyhoo

The last thing you want to do when your child comes home with a drunk is to make a big ballyhoo. Just be cool! No shouting or ball-busting. Otherwise, you’ll have a Romeo and Juliet scenario going on, and you’ll just look like a barbarian who doesn’t understand true love.

3. Bardolatry

Speaking of Shakespeare, bardolatry is the excessive idolatry of Shakespeare. Can you imagine such a thing? Do those people walk around speaking in Shakespearean English? “Wherefore art thou, Terrel? Dost thou desire a Mallowmar?”

4. Barleycorn

Barleycorn is supposedly a unit of measurement equal to one-third of an inch long. But I only know it as a last name. John Barleycorn, or Caleb Barleycorn. If you ever change your name, you should certainly consider Barleycorn. People will know exactly what interests you, especially if you decide to change your profession to “ruler.”

5. Bugger

A bugger can be a good thing or a bad thing. It really depends on what precedes it. “Piss off, you little bugger,” for instance, is pretty clearly an insult. But “you’re a charming little bugger” is a compliment, and you might even get a little smooch on the forehead, so congratulations! But the other one, you should probably find someone else to bug.

6. Barack

Does anyone else in the entire world have this name? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

7. Baba

Now it’s just getting silly. Baba is baby talk for bottle. Or boob. Or grandma. Or baby. Not sure which. If adults walked around saying “baba” and reaching their arms out, it’s unlikely they would get any of those things. It’s more likely they would get bopped on the head.

8. Babydoll

A babydoll in a child’s playroom is completely innocent. A babydoll in a clothing store is a nightgown. A babydoll in a casino is a floozy. A babydoll in a nightclub is a cocktail waitress. Does any word have more contradictory connotations than this? I think not. If you call a woman “babydoll,” it will be very revealing as to how she sees herself, whether she kisses you or slaps you. Try it and let me know what happens. I’m interested.

9. Byssi

Ever had mussels? Ever seen fresh mussels? Particularly the part that’s hard to separate the mussel from the shell? That’s byssi. A busy mussel makes byssi so it doesn’t lose its home in the strong ocean currents. The mussel doesn’t need to worry about paying the tax man, but it does need to worry about “current seas.”

Ignorance (And An Hour At The Nail Salon)

Leslie M
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Ignorance (And An Hour At The Nail Salon)

I stared down at my toenails.

They were beginning to resemble chipped paint, from an old, rusty automobile, only, one might describe that as “vintage” or “classic”, or even . . . “charming”. It was a Friday afternoon, and I had an hour to spare – time for an overhaul. I went to my “regular” place, where the nail technicians speak very little English. BUT, I am not there to have a discussion about world politics,

and small talk bores me,

so that suits me just fine.I, once, read an online review by a customer who could speak Vietnamese. She indicated that the nail technicians were all taking trash about the customers. I asked myself if that bothered me. “NO,” was my response. As long as they do a good job, I don’t care what they have to say about my “charming” toenails (or, any other part of my body, for that matter). I just stick my feet in the warm, bubbly, non-judgmental water, press the “seat recline” button on the remote control, close my eyes, and tune everything out. Sometimes, I do get caught up in the sound of the language. And, sometimes, I am AMAZED at how MUCH these ladies can talk! I am not a big talker (in ANY language), but what could they possibly be talking about?  For THAT long??! I wonder . . .Then, I laugh to myself.

They are talking about my “charming” feet.

That may be so, I think, but this calf massage feels REALLY good. Sometimes, I look at the other customers, and try to imagine what the nail technicians might be saying about THEM. OH, I can have a good time with that . . . And, wouldn’t it be great if I COULD speak Vietnamese??? I could spontaneously chime-in on their conversation. Can you imagine the looks on their faces? I wonder how you say “Oh, shit!” in Vietnamese??! Language, in general, fascinates me. I always wonder what American English sounds like to foreigners. I, once, asked a Dutch speaking friend what he thought. (Now, DUTCH is a funny sounding language). With one eyebrow raised, and a semi-frown, he tilted his hand side-to-side, and said, “Nothing special,”which is exactly what I would have guessed.

After my nails were painted

(the color of the day), and I sat with my feet under the “toenail dryer” for ten minutes,I went to the counter to pay my bill. With a smile and a tip, I said “thank-you” to my nail technician, Aya. And, maybe she did talk trash about my “charming” toes, but when she smiled back at me, I chose to believe that it was sincere, for ignorance (and an hour at the nail salon) . . . is bliss.      

5 Things You Shouldn’t Put In A Box

Monkey Pickles
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5 Things You Shouldn’t Put In A Box
Boxes are great for storing a lot of things, but there are some things that just shouldn’t go inside a box. However, there are a few things you probably wish you could put inside a box and ship it to the moon: your boss, your landlord, and probably your noisy neighbor. That probably wouldn’t go to well uh? As for your boss nobody will probably miss him or her depending on how loud and annoying he or she was, as for your landlord you would probably have to make your own home repairs, the bright side is you won’t have to pay rent for a while and as for your neighbor, you can have as many wild parties as you like without the Po-Po knocking at your door telling you to keep down the noise. When you think of all the things and people you want to put inside a box, it is really hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! On the serious side these are some things that you just shouldn’t put inside a box unless you plan on joining them.

Your mind

– how many times have you said “I almost lost my mind” well, quite frankly when did you get it back. When you lose your mind you usually find it the next day. The strange fact is it your mind is exactly where you left it the last time. Guess what? It is sitting in the same spot waiting for you to reclaim it. So, if you’re packing up your winter clothes and lose your train of thought, just look inside your box! I’m sure your find it.

Your time

-how many times have you heard that expression. “I wish I had enough time to go to the store” or “There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to you” let’s face it! There is 24 hours in a day. How many hours do you need to perm your hair, gossip on the phone, and shoot birds at the driver who cut you off on the interstate? Look in your glove compartment, pull out your mind and use your common sense. Better yet, just blow your horn.

Your spouse

-sometimes it is easier to put your spouse inside a big box, tape it up and store it in the attic. Especially, if he or she snores, nags or just won’t do any work around the house. Believe me! It is a lot cheaper than paying for a divorce. However, if you put your spouse in the attic then you face jail time for false imprisonment or perhaps kidnapping. The best recourse to take, in my opinion; take him to NASA put him on a space craft and watch him take off on National Television. Now that’s a real blast!

Your cellphone

-if you are a talker and a text messenger, please don’t pack your cell phone inside a box. The worst case scenario: you are asleep and you are dreaming that your cell phone is calling you and when you reach for it, it disappears. You wake up in a cold sweat and realize it was only a dream or was it. When you look in your purse or on the table you make a dreadful discovery. You have actually packed your cell phone and now it is on the way to your new home. Normally, it wouldn’t be a problem to go pick it up. However, catching an airplane to Afghanistan is way to costly. Please don’t ship your cellphone to another country.

Your computer

-please don’t put your internet, your email, and your Facebook page inside a box. Well, here are a few reasons why you shouldn’t put your computer inside a box. Aside from it being a bad idea. Your computer would get broken, your internet service will expire, your email account will reach its mail capacity and your Facebook fans will hate you. Why, because now they can’t track your every move. There are a lot of things you really shouldn’t put in a box. Aside from the obvious items you shouldn’t pack your gym shoes. Boy, when you open up the box and when the smell hit the fan you will have cleared the room without asking anyone to leave. Join the Monkey Pickles Mash Potatoes Club

During WW2, Three Generals Were Arguing…

Monkey Pickles
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During WW2, Three Generals Were Arguing…
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers. The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General. “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says, “Go f*@k yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!” Source

More Funny Jokes Here!

Where Do You Like Going To Meet New People?

Monkey Pickles
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Where Do You Like Going To Meet New People?

It isn’t easy meeting people these days, whether you’re looking for love or you’re just a friendly person. Everyone seems so involved in their gadgets that we don’t really look around anymore.

Where Do You Like Going To Meet New People?

Who’s Your Favorite Celebrity Of All Time?

Monkey Pickles
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Who’s Your Favorite Celebrity Of All Time?
There are always some less popular celebrities, like Cher her spiritual successor Usher, but there are lots of great celebrities out there, too!

Who’s Your Favorite Celebrity Of All Time?

How to Make a Tutu

Monkey Pickles
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How to Make a Tutu
For as long as you can remember, you thought that tutus were the coolest thing ever. The opportunity to wear a tutu was the only reason you took all those ballet classes. The only problem is, you can’t dance to save your life. Saying you have two left feet would be a generous appraisal of your dancing abilities. Last time you tried to dance, you spent the last couple of minutes of it wondering what all of those ambulances were doing in front of your house. It turned out that neighbors had seen you dancing your heart out and thought you were dying. But what you understand now as an adult is that you do not need to dance in order to wear a tutu. You can just wear a tutu for the sake of wearing a tutu. And you don’t even have to buy it in a store and have to deal with judgmental people wondering why a grown man would want an extra large tutu. You can make your very own! In order to make a tutu that you can wear 24/7 until you smell like you actually have died, you just need the following supplies:
  • Tulle or another type of stiff material
  • Paint
  • Ribbon
  • Measuring tape
  • Scissors
Once you have all that, you are that much closer to having the tutu of your dreams!

How to Make a Tutu – Choose Your Place on the Rainbow

The first thing that you need to do is gather tulle and ribbon. If you haven’t been able to find tulle, you can marinate some napkins in egg yolks or slimy garbage and let them dry, allowing them to become stiff yet pliable. You want the material that you use to be the very best color for you. Whether you’re using tulle or stuff that anyone else would see as garbage, it may be very hard to find material that is the right color. You’re the only person you have ever known that likes the color that is made when you mix traffic cone orange and lavender. So in order to make the material the right color, dump the paint of your choice all over it and smear it so that it covers all of the tulle or dirty napkins.

How to Make a Tutu – Take Your Measurements

What’s the point of making a tutu if you won’t even be able to wear it? Obviously, you will need to make your tutu so that it fits around you, not your sister’s new baby. You might wish you had the same waistline as said new baby, but alas, you do not. So take that measuring tape and measure your waist. Whatever it ends up being is the amount of ribbon you are going to need to go around your waist. If you want, you can add an additional length of ribbon for not only the bow you will have to tie but to accommodate any weight that you are going to gain from your new love for peanut butter and jelly pasta.

How to Make a Tutu – Cut from the Right Cloth

Now, it’s time to cut the ribbon, and cut a bunch of strips of the material. When you are cutting the tulle/dirty napkins, cut them into really thick strips so that you have the biggest, fullest, most flamboyant tutu possible. Normal instructions would recommend six inches, but why stop there? Make them as wide as possible, even wider than the length of the ribbon if you want. Make them so wide that you’ll end up having to wrap each piece all the way around the length of the ribbon. This may make the process incredibly difficult, but the end result should be worth it.

How to Make a Tutu – Tying Up Loose Ends

Now, it’s time to take all of your materials and actually make a tutu. Take one of the strips of fabric/dirty napkin you have created and fold it in half over the ribbon. Then, tie it into a knot so that you have both ends of it sticking out. Repeat the process with all of your strips of material. Or, if you’ve always preferred to do things assembly-line style, just put all of the strips on at once and then tie the knots. Of course, each strip of fabric would have other ones getting in its way while you’re doing it, but who cares if you sacrifice efficiency for the sake of efficiency, right?

How to Make a Tutu – Check You Out, You Tutu-Wearing Dynamo!

Once you’ve got all the strips of material on the ribbon, you are free to tie it around your waist and make a big pretty bow (or just an ugly plain knot, if you want a more masculine tutu). And now, you get to look at yourself in the mirror and see how amazing you look in your new creation! And it’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of…mostly. It doesn’t smell all that great, considering that dirty napkins went into its making. And the problem with the color you chose is that since no one likes that color, you don’t have any clothes in that color that would actually go with your tutu. But that’s okay! Simply dump the same color of paint all over your clothes, and you’ll be good to go!  

Who Done It? – Top 10 List Of ‘Things I Cannot Blame On The Kids’

Leslie M
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Who Done It? – Top 10 List Of ‘Things I Cannot Blame On The Kids’
It’s Summertime. One kid is in college, one is out of the country, and the other is at the beach. It’s just ME and the DOG. So, who do I BLAME (besides the dog)?

Top 10 (plus 2) “Things I Cannot Blame on the Kids”:

12)  WHO moved my keys?  I put them RIGHT THERE!  Who MOVED them??? 11)  Dishwasher needs emptying.  Whose turn is it?! 10)  WHO USED UP ALL OF THE TOILET PAPER??!! 9)  Whose turn is it to take out the trash? 8)  Who left the light on? 7)  WHO . . . farted??!! 6)  Would somebody PLEASE let the DOG OUT?!  If he had HANDS, he could do it himself! 5)  Who forgot to flush??!! 4)  WHO MADE THIS MESS??!! 3)  Who left the tv on? 2)  WHO is licking my toes?  Oh, wait.  I guess that WOULD be the dog.

And, the NUMBER 1 Thing I Cannot Blame on the Kids:

WHY IS NOBODY ANSWERING ME??!!

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