10 Funny Words That Start With R
Children are a real hoot. No matter what age they are, they always manage to entertain and delight. Especially when they are any of these things:
The Tonsillectomy, Part 1
After they filled her IV with “sleepy drugs”,
and wheeled her away . . I paid a visit to the tiny little coffee shop, located in the lobby of the medical center. I ordered a nonfat latte – LARGE (and, they actually called it “large”), because I anticipated a long wait. Hmmm, and something to eat.What I really wanted
was one of those golden-brown, flaky, buttery croissants (staring at me through the glass case), but it was January 2nd and, though I am not a believer of New Year’s resolutions, I could feel the results of all of the holiday partying pressing up against (and spilling over) my jeans, so . . . I grabbed a banana, instead. I found a nice, intimate, light-filled window seat, and settled in. One sip, however, and . . . YUCK. My “latte” tasted more like a cup of warm, nonfat milk infused in flavorless coffee.But, it was all I had, and I needed my caffeine.
Unfortunately, about a quarter of the way through, my stomach was not very happy with me. I could see the local headlines: “While waiting for her daughter’s tonsillectomy, mother dies of food poisoning caused by hospital coffee. Daughter is extremely sore, and wishing for her tonsils back, but is expected to make a full recovery.” Fortunately (after a few trips to the bathroom), the episode passed, and aside from the unfortunate experience with abrasive hospital toilet paper, I survived, unscathed.My daughter, on the other hand, has been reduced to sucking on ice chips,
and unsuccessfully satisfying her hunger (not to mention, self induced torture) by watching Food Porn. She was most recently quoted as saying (via text message): “This was the worst thing that I have ever experienced. Can I PLEASE have my tonsils back??!!”10 Things That Are Yellow
1. Minions
2. This Streak
source: thechive.com
3. The Borg Springing A Trap
4. A Haunted Banana
5. Cheap Goldfish
6. Coldplay
original image:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/yodelanecdotal/3073244775/in/photolist-5FzbAT-6ZUu3L-cuWbyA-rxaFn-5k9bGX-6N3UUN-6MWsdR-cCHmiw-cuWe8E-cuWdUE-8zE3Q9-8BEkYH-cgnXdG-cvebbG-jyovmE-6EJFwZ-6EJFnR-4WYGfh-3BokX-caCh1o-6N1Cew-bACwqJ-cgnX8y-c45nny-4YTTS7-cuWh6W-twAFc-cuWg5f-6a7Z8R-5DeY3q-cuWdDL-5cojhX-5k9bqF-5kdtBf-6MWtaM-6LZhB-caCh9w-7FGuyD-3Bodx-EsvD5-caChns-aT25oX-3BoeA-51RENj-aT1LQT-5kdtpW-5kdsWm-5jJMTT-59xyyC-6acucW
7. This Endangered Species
8. The Cheese Moon
9. Horrific Pac-man
10. Kermit’s Oilseed-Rape
2. This Streak
source: thechive.com
3. The Borg Springing A Trap
4. A Haunted Banana
5. Cheap Goldfish
6. Coldplay
original image:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/yodelanecdotal/3073244775/in/photolist-5FzbAT-6ZUu3L-cuWbyA-rxaFn-5k9bGX-6N3UUN-6MWsdR-cCHmiw-cuWe8E-cuWdUE-8zE3Q9-8BEkYH-cgnXdG-cvebbG-jyovmE-6EJFwZ-6EJFnR-4WYGfh-3BokX-caCh1o-6N1Cew-bACwqJ-cgnX8y-c45nny-4YTTS7-cuWh6W-twAFc-cuWg5f-6a7Z8R-5DeY3q-cuWdDL-5cojhX-5k9bqF-5kdtBf-6MWtaM-6LZhB-caCh9w-7FGuyD-3Bodx-EsvD5-caChns-aT25oX-3BoeA-51RENj-aT1LQT-5kdtpW-5kdsWm-5jJMTT-59xyyC-6acucW
7. This Endangered Species
8. The Cheese Moon
9. Horrific Pac-man
10. Kermit’s Oilseed-Rape
A Pizza Work
As the world quivers from fear or overeating at the introduction of The Hot Dog Bites Pizza, I pondering the question … Does it bite?
This pizza has been available for a few weeks and it is possible that you have tried one by now, in which case one of your relatives may be reading this to other members of your immediate family all of whom are likely wearing black and feeling tearful. My condolences.
Taste: While, arguably, the entire concept is not in good taste, the actual taste is not terrible. … If you like fat … and salt … and regret. The pizza is very salty. For sure if you are being pursued by a fresh water predator ( and, let’s face it, you aren’t going to outswim it given your diet ) drop this pizza into water behind you to create an impenetrable saltwater barrier and you are certain to live to fight another day. … Thanks in part to not having eaten that pizza freshwater predator or not. And, with your stay of execution you can reflect upon how a life in which you made the decision to go swimming while eating a pizza is going.
Texture: The hot dogs are also not terrible. They are … tender ? This a relief. On a pizza that reminds me of 28 bar mitzvahs, the last thing i want is hard or rubbery sausage. As Hollywood’s Jason Biggs has taught us, that can ruin a good pie.
Social: This is a party pizza, a pizza to be enjoyed with company ’cause if you try to finish one by yourself you’re going to be in big trouble.
Mustard: Yeah …. Have you ever poured mustard on your pizza before? Me neither. There’s is probably a good reason for that.
Practicality: A low score here. Whether you tear off the hot dog bites beforehand or not there isn’t much of anything with which to hold a pizza slice by. Add extra topping and mustard into the picture and you might as well resign yourself to eating this pizza with a knife and fork.
Teenagers: Teenagers will poke the sausage out of the pizza dough blankets and proceed to be juvenile with them.
Slices: Apparently a slice of this pizza ( depending on toppings ) can contain up to 440 calories. If that is accurate then, in theory, an 8 slice pizza could weigh in at 3520 calories.
Limited Time Only: If you eat these you only have a limited time left.
Verdict: Okay to try one time in the company of good friends and/paramedics, so that you have witnesses to confirm that you did not dream the whole unlikely experience.
Nintendo Switch – Bridging Mobile and Console Gaming
The newest Nintendo console, the Nintendo Switch, is out TODAY.
With the wishy-washy acceptance of the Wii U, Nintendo has a lot to make up for with their latest console. The Nintendo Switch promises the ultimate gaming experience, with the immersive experience of playing on your TV at home melded seamlessly with the ability to take the same game with you on-the-go (who are we kidding: you’re just gonna take it into bed with you). If you’re new to gaming and consoles, the Nintendo Switch can seem like a daunting piece of equipment, but if you’re familiar with Nintendo’s other consoles, the Switch seems like the next evolutionary step for the long-standing gaming company.Nintendo Switch Equipment
The Nintendo Switch comes with the console, which is reminiscent of a tablet: lightweight, measuring about 8 inches wide by 4 inches tall, with a 6.2-inch touch screen. The console is either slid into its accompanying dock for charging and to play on your TV, or handheld with the two included Joy-Con controllers. The Joy-Con controllers are extremely multi-faceted, with the ability to be slid off of the Nintendo Switch for use on the Joy-Con Controller Grip (a controller-port reminiscent of a traditional Nintendo 64 controller), used together or separately as their own free-standing controllers (like the Nintendo Wii), and have motion controls and buttons to cater to your gameplay style. You might also consider getting a nintendo switch case to keep it protected at all times.Playing Nintendo Switch
The Nintendo Switch is building gaps around the issues they have had in the past with their equipment, but how does it play? Nintendo is like your outgoing friend at a party, wanting to include everyone and play something that all ages can be a part of. The Nintendo Switch is indicative of that “community first” mindset while being a great “party of one” console as well. Multiplayer modes abound- but unless you’re catering to one other person, you’re going to have to splurge for more controllers or rely on your friends and family to have their own Nintendo Switch console. That being said, there will be an element to Nintendo Switch to be able to play online with other Switch owners. Which will be great for games like Fortnite, which is now coming pre-downloaded onto new models of the Switch. Will stars like Ninja be making the switch? The current Ninja fortnite Settings have only been published for PC, he would have to learn this new control scheme before he started streaming gameplay from this console.Nintendo Switch Games
The games available for it are scant at this point, and with so many people eager to be the first to review everything, it’s hard to tell if the games are actually good or bad yet. Arguably the most highly anticipated game is The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and the reviews ranging from sheer disappointment to “Best Game EVAR” are to be taken with a boulder of salt, as the actual play time of some of the reviewers is paltry at best. The game 1-2 Switch has been lauded as a great party game (a la Wii Sports or WarioWare), but most reviewers found it expensive as a stand-alone game and feel that it should have been included with the Nintendo Switch console.What’s Next For Nintendo Switch?
Whether or not you’re a Nintendo fan, one thing seems clear: the Nintendo Switch is revolutionary and versatile. That being said, it is apparent that the console could have used some polish before it was released to the masses. The light at the end of the tunnel is that the promise of more fun content- for example, the capability to play nostalgia-inducing Nintendo games of the past with Virtual Console- is what will keep the Nintendo Switch in the forefront of potential buyer’s minds. Source Source Speaking of gaming on the switch, my friend recently got a new broadband deal through Usave. He is so happy that he saved money and the service is better! He is so happy!Love Is A Marathon, Part 7: It’s Curtains For Bob
Previously, on Love Is A Marathon:
Lillian has caught Instructor with another woman, and she’s considering marrying some curtains and other drapery instead of seeking human companionship. Her mother tried to convince her that the extra boogers on the curtains weren’t worth the trouble.
We hope you enjoyed Love Is A Marathon; thanks for reading!
Cinderella Pumpkin Part 1
Once upon a time there was a poor serving pumpkin called Cinderella…
who dreamed of growing up to be a real wooden boy, marry a prince and transform him into a disgruntled mermaid by kissing him under a pile of pee soaked mattresses. Buttlaxia, Cinderella’s cruel stepmother, would never allow that dream to come true. She was afraid of dreams. If Cinderella’s dream came true then maybe the dream she had about being abducted and forced to join Hanson by frankfurter sausage clowns in a hybrid car ( half electric, half pie ) would come true too. Also, she was jealous of the perfect pumpkin. Cinderella was so much prettier than her two ugly daughters, Repulsel and Clive, who was a goat for tax reasons. So, Buttlaxia made Cinderella do all the chores and never let her leave the house, even duct taping the beautiful squash to a stick so as to clean the chimney above the fireplace in which Cinderella was forced to sleep. One day a proclamation was posted throughout the land. The prince was seeking bride and all suitors were invited to try to win the prince’s heart at the Royal Palace Christmas Ball. Second prize was said to be a blu ray player.Repulsel and Clive …
were not interested in any blu ray player. The sisters were so ugly that life automatically pixelated them and they did not understand what high definition was. Besides they were both convinced the Prince would choose them as they mistakenly believed him to be a Mormon. Their week was a busy one full of giggling, breaking mirrors and trying on dozens of pretty dresses in order to each find the perfect outfit to break the prince’s heart, an outfit should probably feature a hood.The night of the ball arrived …
and Cindy’s wicked family rode off to the gala event in the fanciest carriage, a carriage hired with stolen money left to Cinderella by her father after he died suspiciously in a freak ratatouille accident. Cinderella was left all alone in the house. She felt as low as she had ever been except on the occasions she was made to clean the basement. Cinders would have loved to experience the prince’s balls but it was an impossible dream for a pumpkin duct taped to a stick in a fireplace. What Cinderella did not know, however, was that she had a vegan fairy godmother who had inexplicably done nothing until now because of a drinking problem.There was a knock at the door.
“Good Evening peculiar old apple seller whom reeks of whiskey”, said Cinderella welcomingly. ” … No! … I am not an owl cell phone cellar on the sea shore … I am *hic* yous thirdly dog muffler!” slurred the old lady, ” And you shall have balls! ” There was a puff of purple silver flecked smoke, the fairy godmother excused herself for being a bit gassy and then cast a spell. Cinderella was violently propelled into the fireplace. Sooty mists surrounded her and the world faded to gray. Then to slightly darker gray. Then a little darker still. … Basically the world faded through about fifty shades of gray before everything went black and Cinderella was gone. Gone from the very face of the kitchen! “Oh Pixie Butter! I forgot to tell her how the magic works.” thought the farty godmother seconds before yawning colorfully into the sink and passing out on the cat.How To Make Your Own Christmas Tree
If you’re an environmentalist, then we don’t need to tell you about how dangerous the Christmas tree tradition is for the climate. Every year, parking lots packed with Christmas trees are decimated by families who, time and again, choose tradition over the well-being of the environment.
The best alternative? You can simply make a Christmas tree! It’s much easier than it sounds! Here’s how:
- Get a stick
- Glue the branches!
- Attach some needles
- Time to decorate!
What Not To Wear After 50
People live longer now, which is usually a nice thing. And if they take good care of themselves, they might feel younger than their actual chronological age. But dressing as if you were decades younger does not fool anyone. They do it in Hollywood, sure, but that’s because you care about them.
For most of us regular folk, our kids or grandkids are even less likely to want to be seen with us in public when we dress inappropriately. We might even find friends our age canceling lunch plans. Here’s a quick guide to avoid some of these fashion faux pas.
T-Shirts
Of course, you can wear a T-shirt, but you have to pick the right style. Pastels, solid colors, simple patterns—none of these display the real you. Shirts with sassy sayings or with pictures of teen idols are what you’re looking for. Shirts that brag about how much liquor you can hold are also perfect. Plain, bright colored shirts with a sensible scarf or jewelry or a jacket is exactly what you’re expected to wear. “World’s Best Grandma” or “Superdad” make better coffee mugs than T-shirts. Don’t be a sap.Pants
After 50, any kind of fancy pants are totally perfect. Any kind of boring, practical jeans or slack are pretty worthless. Whether it’s sweats with words on the butt, brightly colored skinny jeans, frilled jeans, low-rise jeans with sequins and embroidery, or plaid pajama bottoms, you’re on the right track. If all you have is practical and modest jeans or slacks, burn them and head to Abercrombie & Fitch.Boring Footwear
If you have heels with a wider base and a rubber sole, or maybe a little extra cushion inside the shoe, you’re doing it wrong. You should be wearing strappy platform heels or 5-inch stilettos. They might not be comfortable, but at least you look good in public. Boots that go up to your thigh are also fantastic.Conventional Underwear
Most people of a certain age start to dress in such a way that their clothing covers their undergarments. This is a waste of time. Look for clothes that have skinny straps, are cut to show off your shoulders, and ride low enough that they could conceivably show bra straps or the waistband of your lingerie. While those in their teens and 20s can get away with conventional and conservative clothing, you can’t. Not anymore. For the more mature person, let it hang out. You’ve been here long enough.Loud Handbags
Some suggest older women only use small clutches. But in truth, the size matters a lot less than the tone. Simple bags in neutral colors are out. You want something that shouts, “HELLO! I’m a purse and I’m alive!” Carry make-up, books, your phone and other practical items. Puppies are great on the outside or the inside of your bag. For accessories, jewelry that shows off cartoon characters or says “I Love Brad” in cursive is very chic right now.There Was A Man In Bulgaria Who Drove A Train For A Living…
Funny Joke Of The Day
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job; driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. – While we’re on this topic of accidents, joke or no joke. You should respect all other drivers and stick to the set traffic enforcement laws. I bet half of the readers, wouldn’t know what happens if you’re caught driving reckless on government property. If you find yourself in a situation, make sure you get protected and contact your local lawyer for more information. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air — but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. He walked out under his own power that day. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. He clearly hadn’t learned his lesson at all, as he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the room — and the man was once again unharmed. Of course, this meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal — three bananas. “You know what?” said the executioner. “No. I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the room — and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)Garage Sale Day
A Poem by JTR Franklin
On a warm, sunny, summer day, a garage sale is under way.
Toys, hats, clothes,
and more. All lay on blankets, the great outdoors turned into a store.
Little pants at one time
came to life on young legs. Shirts once breathed along with a child, as it covered its little chest.
Pajamas that slept warm and snug in a bed.
Some shoes that once ran, hats that kept warm a little tots head.
A few toys that one time
were the bright spot in a child’s day. All the items lay hoping to once again to live, run, sleep, and play.
How to Make Gummy Bears
You’ve always loved gummy bears. What’s not to love? Adorable little bears that also taste great. So great that you never even felt guilty about eating the adorable bears. But alas, there are no more gummy bears in your local store. The store manager just had a huge fight with the owner of the gummy bear factory about which gummy bears are the best ones, red or green. The factory owner decided that the only way to get the store manager to appreciate red gummy bears is to take all gummy bears away from him entirely. But you shouldn’t have to suffer because of someone else’s dispute. The great news here is that you can learn to make your very own gummy bears right in the comfort of your very own home!
To make these delicious treats, you’ll want to have the following:
- Water
- Sugar
- Gelatin
- Your favorite flavoring agents
- Teddy bears
How to Make Gummy Bears – There’s Always Room for Jell-O!
Basically, the first part of this process involves making Jell-O. The classic recipes call for unflavored gelatin, but why do this when you know more flavor means better candy? You just mix the gelatin with cold water, and then you turn up the heat so that you can get all of it to dissolve. Heating up the liquid will make it so that you can dissolve more and more of the gelatin, so why not just put in as much as possible? More gelatin means…you guessed it…more gummy bears! If you have a truckload of gelatin anywhere around, just find a pot big enough to hold all of it (more like a vat) and then go to town!How to Make Gummy Bears – Induce a Sugar High!
What you’re technically supposed to do is first put in unflavored gelatin, then flavored gelatin. But where’s the fun in that? Instead of doing that, you have already decided to nix the unflavored crap and just use flavored gelatin, so the only thing left to put in is more sugar. You want these gummy bears to really have you bouncing off the walls. And by that, you literally want to be bouncing off the walls. You are going to attach coils to your shoes so that you can actually try springing yourself off of them after you eat these gummy bears.How to Make Gummy Bears – Getting Creative with Flavoring
Traditionally, gummy bears come in fruity flavors. But since you are in control here, you can make these gummy bears taste like whatever you want. If you have a penchant for soy sauce, why not try dumping some soy sauce into the mixture and seeing what happens? Who says that savory gummy bears can’t be good? And hey, this way, you won’t need to wait until dessert to have them. Because they’re not sweet, you can actually just eat these soy sauce flavored gummy bears for dinner. Want a challenge at the dinner table? Dump in a whole bunch of wasabi as well.How to Make Gummy Bears – Sculpting Time!
After you’ve mixed all the ingredients, it is time to actually make them into the cute little bears you’ve always loved. Of course, the easiest way to do this is to use little bear shaped molds, but if you want to give yourself more of a challenge, you can just try sculpting them by hand. Use your favorite teddy bear for reference of what each one is supposed to look like when it’s done. Or if you want to try something really out there, just dump the gummy mixture all over your teddy bear. Once it has reasonably dried, extract and rescue your teddy bear, and then put the hollow bear shaped gummy thing back together and fill it up with more of the gummy mixture. You know your teddy bears come to life when you are sleeping, after all, and wouldn’t it be nice to give them a real sense of purpose, rather than just having them do nothing but sit around all the time and look cute?How to Make Gummy Bears – Taste Your Creation!
Once your gummy bears are solid and you know you’ll be able to chew on them rather than having to drink them like the sugariest beverage you’ve ever had, it’s time to try them out! Whether you want to just pop them in your mouth, eat them with a fork and knife, or rub them on the butt of your favorite hippo at the local zoo before eating them, it’s time to taste the fruits (or any flavors you would have chosen) of your labor! Whether your gummy bears are fruity, flavored like soy sauce and wasabi, or just have no flavor but are saturated with masses of dog hair because that’s what you chose as your flavoring agent, you should be proud. You have now done what you thought only that grumpy gummy bear factory owner could do, and you’ve even one-upped him because you’re not even going to take it personally that people don’t like your new favorite flavor of gummy bear. You’ll even take your gummy bears to that grocery store owner and let him sell it. Just don’t expect anyone to buy them if you’ve chosen to fill them with dog hair.Ladies Razor Stops Car Theft!
