How To Play Bridge
Bridge has always brought together friends for an exciting night in together. It is challenging and requires concentration to win at the card game. Older crowds may instantly recognize the game, but younger people could use a primer. Learn how to play bridge and win during each deal. A typical game will include 4 players sitting on opposite ends of a table. That will allow the dealer to hand out cards to each individual player as needed. Players may form a partnership based on the direction in which they are sitting. In a standard game of Bridge, the partnership is North-South and East-West during the contest. Each game will typically feature three distinct phases: auction, play and scoring. Master each phase and try to negotiate the best hand possible. That could give a player the inside track and help them win out at the end. Advanced players may look for Bridge in a casino or club setting. Take the opportunity to introduce yourself and chat with other players. Many friends enjoy the partnership aspect of the game and even depend on one another. Players who score the highest are deemed the winner at the end of the Bridge game.
Halloween Or Scared Stupid?
Where did all the great Halloween costumes go?
Seriously. I want to know. This year, 2013, costumes have taken a real dive. The number one costume this year is any of the men from Duck Dynasty. Yup. You got it. Duck men. Number two isn’t much better. How about Walter White? Don’t know who he is. Apparently you weren’t a fan of “Breaking Bad”, whatever that was.Number three takes two people
to create it. I’m not sure which end gets the candy, but the number 3 costume this year is the Hump Day Camel from the Geico Ads. Number 4 comes to us from HBO’s Game of Thrones. Yes, ladies. This one’s for you. Don your best ancient attire and be in style for Halloween. Twerk number 5. I can’t believe it but that stupid twerker created such a scene she is the number 5 costume for Halloween. If Halloween costumes are supposed to be frightening, and I believe they are, then this is the only one that qualifies so far.Walking Dead’s Darryl Dixon
is on tap for number 6. He isn’t all that scary. He’s actually rather cute, if you forget that he’s dead. Theodora from Oz the Great and Powerful takes the number 7 spot. Now this is one I could do – if I were 100 lbs. lighter, had dark hair and looked sexy like she does. The flappers from the Great Gatsby take the number 8 spot. Love these ladies and DiCaprio. Spock and Kirk are back. Or did they ever leave? Either way they hold the number 9 spot for costumes this Halloween. Oddball Alan from “Hangover” holds the number 10 spot.All in all, the only thing scary
about any of these costumes are that none of them are frightening when you see them. The fright comes in wondering why they made the hit parade of costumes and the insanity of parents in dressing their children in costumes such as these.How To Use Beard Balm
When studying the waxy depths of a tin of beard balm, it is entirely understandable that there is significant confusion regarding its application. We at the Institute for Everyday Obscure and Useful Items have created a handy how-to pamphlet for your reference whenever you come face to face with this semi-solid, smelly and enigmatic substance.
Preparing Beard Balm For Use
Since it arrives in its mostly solid state, you must prepare the balm before use.- Get out the turkey fryer from last Thanksgiving and place it in the middle of the yard. Hook up the propane and set the flame to high.
- Open 50 tins of the balm. It’s best to ready a large quantitty of the stuff at a time since you will need to cover an extensive area.
- Drop into vat and bring to a slow boil. This should take about an hour or so. Keep stirring so it doesn’t stick to the sides of the pot.
- Once entire amount is liquid carefully pour into 50 silicon molds 1/2″ H x 3″ W x 5″ L.
- Let sit for about one hour until it is back to its fairly solid point that you started with.
Apply Beard Balm
You will want several assistants to help you get an even application. Use steady strokes across the flat surface. No dry time is required.- Gymnasium Floors: No more squeaking athletic shoes on the tired wooden floors. Beard balm will reduce the friction for a much quieter middle school intramural competition.
- Bowling Alleys: Considered a real improvement over standard buffing machines that use stinky chemicals, beard balm applied to the lanes at the alley helps combat the lingering aroma of athletes foot and stale beer while offering an even surface to send your ball along. The pleasant perfume helps to calm shattered nerves scraped raw from a brutal round of ten pin.
- School Car Wash: When worked into the finish of a classic sedan, the deep luster of the balm and sandalwood scent will have the driver cruising to the mellow strains of Glen Miller Orchestra.
- Poodles: Surprisingly, the stuff is capable of taming those small, tight curls resulting in a chic, modern appearance for your favorite pet. Apply with a spray nozzle.
- Bottling Factories: When used on rollers at the manufacturing level, product will slip right along, improving overall speed. You might want to duck at the end of the line.
- Cat-Scratched Upholstery: Instead of clipping all the loose strings, creating threadbare spots after Fluffy sharpened her claws, a little balm will help to hold the fabric together, while adding a wonderful smell to the living room.
Popular Misconceptions
- “It controls your beard and mustache.” Goodness, no. Absolutely not. Originally it was created from the ear wax of bees and elephants from Delhi. Why would you ever want to put that on your face?
Monkey Business
Are you sick of working for “The Man” ’cause its sexist? Do you try to embrace everyone equally? Is that why there is a restraining order out against you?
Why not start your own business?
There will be less time for troublesome hugging and you might just make your fortune.
It’s The American Dream.
Wake up and start dreaming that dream but don’t get caught dreaming because there are pitfalls and potholes to avoid. Also the wheel has already been invented so … try and avoid that boo-boo.
As a golden rule, if you wake up inspired to invent a fantastic something that you dreamed about and there is a name for it … grab a few extra minutes of sleep before you go into full production.
As a golden rule, if you wake up inspired to invent a fantastic something that you dreamed about and there is a name for it … grab a few extra minutes of sleep before you go into full production. You must be aware that starting your own business will involve a lot of blood, sweat and tears, especially in the first couple of months. This can be due to the fact that potential clients aren’t aware that you exist. But worry not; this is easily solved. There are multiple ways to get your name out there. One of the most important parts of setting up a business is getting your brand out there. This is usually through social media and a high-quality website. Building a website sounds difficult, but with the help of companies like Wix and Shopify, the job is much easier. Wix is a popular site builder because of its features and simplicity, meaning most people will be able to use this without experience. Getting your business up and running on the internet is a great place to start. After that, there are a number of little things you could do to grow your brand. Why not set up a stall at a business convention or trade show and have on display your own Custom Coffee Mugs so that whilst they’re having a nice cup of coffee, they’ll always be aware of your business.
But what else should you be aware of when entering the world of business? Here are 10 Handy Business Tips 1. If you plan to float your company stockpiling corks or helium balloons on site will not help the endeavor. You will just reduce your storage space & people will laugh at you. 2. The Stock Market is not a place where you can exchange ideas or recipes for gravies & sauces. 3. Wall Street is not the hub of the construction district. 4. Understand the term hedge fund. If you run a beauty salon and you are saving up for a hedge then you are probably laboring under a misapprehension. 5. You should already be successful before conduct business by shouting insults at everyone while wearing a ginger cat on your head. 6. When interviewing prospective employees, do not tie them to a chair and shine a light in their eyes. 7. Business mergers do not have to be negotiated as you join the freeway. 8. When promoting an employee don’t waste money on expensive television and social media advertising. 9. Gardening Leave is not vacation time for gardeners 10. It is not necessary to dress up as King Midas when administering a golden handshake.
A Handsome Man Gets Into A Terrible Car Accident – Funny Joke of the Day
Funny Joke of the Day
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident. The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye. The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar. “No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says. “Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”. The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?” Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!” To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!” Funny Joke SourceKate vs. Kim – Battle Of The Media Mommies
Ladies and Gentlemen!
May we draw your attention to the center of the arena? In this corner, we have the media sensation, the exquisite exhibit of excess, that dark haired diva, mascara encrusted beauty, the ever-impertinent Kim Kardashian and her baby son with the strange (surprise, surprise) name, North West! The challenger, in the opposite corner, a princess by choice, (she married quite well) with pearly white teeth and seemingly as pretty on the inside as she is on the outside, Kate Middleton and her baby boy, King George. (We just knew it would be a boy, she COULDN’T have a girl, could she?)Here we have the battle of the mommies.
These women want much more attention for their babes than the average child’s mom could ever dream of obtaining. Specifically, media attention. The public’s fascination with the famous feeds this need. Or, consider for a moment: could this phenomenon be attributed to the media force-feeding the public with fickle celebrities until we, the people, are hopelessly addicted to vicariously living our lives through an image on a screen? Kind of like hearing a song over and over, eventually you come to like it. Excuse me, I digress. Let the battle begin! Having a couple of months head start in this competition, North West moves out in front, taking the lead. He is lifting his Christian Dior skater beanie covered head, and the nanny has by now changed many a poopy diaper. King George, in the opposite corner, may lag behind in this category, but, one must concede, he is quite a bit younger, and the weight of a jewel studded crown is much more than that of a stocking cap.Oh, look!
The grandmothers beam and sit smugly in their snobby respective places of honor. “Mission accomplished” is written all over their faces. A carbon copy of her daughter with shorter hair, Kris Jenner cannot wait to make a star of her grandson. (Perhaps it will take a bit of the sting out of being called “Granny.”) See how she grabs the attention of the local media…and holds it. That’s show biz, folks. Conversely, Carole Middleton is poised to be one of the most influential people in Great Britain – without a camera in sight. No nanny for King George, they say. The boy will be taught to walk and to talk like a king by Kate’s mum. His grandmother will make certain the royal blood which courses through his privileged veins remains pure. Her fame may grow, as a result of her role, but, we must admit, we did not know her name until she was introduced, did we. A bit disconcerting, that. Observe, it is time! The mothers ascend into the ring with the babies. Oh, my, folks this is it! Where are the grandmothers? Oh, there, in Kim’s corner. Kris is pushing Carole away! Why was Carole on that side of the ring? Kim hands North off to her mother on the South side of the ropes and struts forward. Kate, more hesitant, clutches to her little Georgie and looks away from the unsettling spectacle. Kim waves to the crowd, ignoring the boos and smiling for the cameras. She confidently walks in high heels, certain she has all the attention. Poor Kate, she seems to be cowering in the face of such undeniable, however unsavory, celebrity.Wait, what’s happening?
Kim falls to the floor! The heel has come off her shoe! Kate’s mother quickly kicks the shoe out of the ring and directs the focus of the cameras to little George. Kate beams a magnificent smile while looking at her son. The crowd is on their feet cheering! Kate Middleton and King George have won the battle of celebrity! Hurrah for Kate! A glorious victory! Won’t someone help the defeated get out of the ring, please. And, for goodness sake, keep her out! Carole, in proper British manner, bows and retreats from the spotlight. She calmly scans the floor, finding the heel from the shoe which caused Kim’s fall from grace. Carole drops a note pad and bends down to get it, scooping up the heel at the same time. She breaks out in guffaws of laughter, unnoticed by the still cheering crowd. Sneaky lot, those Brits.
Top 10 List Of Two Things You Should Never Do At The Same Time
Some things in life just go together so naturally we do them almost automatically. You know what I’m talking about. Like watching a movie and eating popcorn. Or rolling your eyes while you’re on the phone with your mother. It just comes naturally, right? But there are some things you should never, ever do at the same time. I’m going to list them for you so you don’t make these same mistakes I did.
1. Hold a drink in your left hand and check the time on your wristwatch. Trust me, this seemingly innocuous gesture results in disaster. Don’t believe me? Play pretend for a minute and try it. See what I mean now?
2. Breathe underwater while wearing only a diver’s mask. Did you think there was some secret way to breathe inside your mask without a snorkel? No, there isn’t. Those deep sea divers just learn to hold their breath for long periods of time. You should too.
3. Apply your makeup while driving. This could result in your car sliding on a patch of ice, hitting a ditch, and flipping. You’d be lucky to make it out alive, and the EMTs would not even notice that new shade of Bobby Brown lipstick you smeared because they’d be busy wrapping your broken face in gauze bandages. No excuses. Don’t do it.
4. Talk on the phone while using the toilet. I’ll bet you think I’m going to say it’s rude, right? No, I’m going to say that eventually you’re going to need the hand that’s holding the phone to, um, help clean up and pull up. Unless you want to walk around the house with your britches at your ankles while talking to your girlfriend. That would just be weird. And rude.
5. Play with your bite size baby hamster while petting your cat. I know you want to share the love, but the quality time has to be individualized. Otherwise, your cat may be coughing up hamster balls instead of fur balls.
6. Eat Reuben sandwiches while riding on a roller coaster. First of all, I’m surprised I have to even tell you this. Everybody knows that sauerkraut doesn’t mix with nausea. You’re far better off with a crisp cucumber sandwich with a thin spread of butter.
7. Eat Buffalo wings while inserting your contacts. Actually, no food is allowed in or near your eyeballs. Or your ears, for that matter.
8. Sneeze while operating on a patient. Now that we have hidden top-secret security cameras in every single operating room in the country, you’ll never get away with spreading your gross hospital germs again! That’s right, hospital security cameras everywhere! Wa ha ha!
9. Fly with a head cold. There is no medicine in the heavens or on earth that will save you from the pure agony of dealing with congestion 30,000 miles up in the air. If you do this, you will be begging for the flight attendant to keep the drinks flowing so you can pass out for the entire flight.
10. Blow your hair dry while taking a bath. Okay, I’ve never tried this, and I doubt anyone else has, either. Then why, oh why, does this warning still appear in every blow dryer manual sold in America? Are we that stupid? Wait–why are we reading a blow dryer manual in the first place?
Well, I hope you’ve learned something here today. Don’t do as I do. Do as I say.
How to Make Paper Airplanes
It’s a debate that will likely last until the end of time. What is the best way to make a paper airplane? Your dad taught you one way, and then your best friend taught you a different way when she was in that phase where she was constantly throwing paper airplanes at the teacher’s head to distract said teacher from assigning homework. It may have been an annoying phase, but you do have to thank her for the fact that you never had to do homework in the third grade.
Anyway, there are so many ways that you can fold a piece of paper so that it ends up being an aerodynamic wonder. But the following is a way that you probably never considered. In order to try this newfangled, ridiculously awesome way to make a paper airplane, you will need a few things:
- Paper
- Model airplanes
- Scissors
- Glue
- Colored markers
How to Make Paper Airplanes – Get to Know Your Prototype!
You have probably noticed that model airplanes made by companies look a lot more like actual airplanes than the paper airplanes that took nosedives into your PBJ sandwiches when you were in elementary school. Since you have learned to live in reality as an adult, shouldn’t the paper airplanes that you make as an adult reflect that reality? What you want to do is study and examine your model airplane as closely as you can, taking in every little detail. This isn’t just a folded up piece of paper, this is an actual airplane with wings and windows and probably some sort of logo. You want your paper airplane to look exactly like this model airplane if you can.How to Make Paper Airplanes – Paper Cutouts
After you have figured out and envisioned exactly how your paper airplane is going to look at the end, it’s time to cut out the pieces of paper that you will need in order to make this creation a reality. You should cut out a big enough piece of paper for the body of the plane, as well as additional pieces for the wings, wheels, and everything else that is on the exterior of the plane. If you think it will be difficult to cut up the paper in all the correct ways, you can bring in other things too! Feel free to use aluminum foil, pieces of plastic, moldy banana peels from the garbage, whatever it is that you can get your hands on that can help you make this paper airplane amazing! Just cut whatever it is up into the correct shapes to prepare for the next step.How to Make Paper Airplanes – Gluing Up Loose Ends
With all of your cutouts, you have all of the pieces of the puzzle. Now, it’s time to put them all together! Fold up all of your paper shapes in whatever ways you think they need to be folded up, glue them at the ends, and then glue all the pieces together! It might be hard to for some of the pieces to stay on, but that just means you have to use more glue. Dump glue all over the body of the airplane if that’s what it takes. If it takes a really long time to dry, well, that’s just the price that you have to pay for a really wonderful paper airplane!How to Make Paper Airplanes – Making It Look the Part
Now that everything is glued on, you want to make sure that your paper airplane looks as much like the model airplane as possible. That was the whole point of this entire project, right? You wanted to make a paper airplane that was more impressive than any of the pieces of paper you folded up as a child when your mother wouldn’t let you watch those cartoons about the talking teddy bear who was constantly on acid trips. It is very possible though that at this point, your paper airplane looks like a mess, with a huge mass of dried glue on top and everything from paper to aluminum foil to old banana peels composing its body. If this is the case, what you will need to do is alter it as much as you need to create a desirable final product. Chisel away at that dried glue, and dump some white paint on top of the moldy banana peels. When you’re all done with that, get those markers and draw on the window, logos, and everything else that is actually going to make it look like a real miniature airplane.How to Make Paper Airplanes – Fly, Fly, Fly!
This part was the magic of paper airplanes when you were a kid. You wouldn’t have folded up those pieces of paper if you weren’t looking forward to seeing them fly. So now you get to see if your most recent creation can become airborne! It can go one of three ways. 1. You made your paper airplane so realistic that when you throw it, it just continues to fly, and it flies away from you so you never get it back. You’ll miss it, but at least you get to be proud that you did your job so well that you created not only a paper airplane but a true airplane. 2. Just like the paper airplanes you made as a kid, it goes for a short distance and then takes a nosedive into the ground. Maybe not the ideal result, but you really couldn’t have expected much better. At least it looks more complicated than the paper airplanes you made as a kid. 3. That pile of crap falls right to the ground when you try to make it fly. And why wouldn’t it? Because of all of the things you put on it, it is so heavy that it is completely incapable of flight. But take heart! Even though making it fly may seem like the entire point of making a paper airplane, it isn’t. You got to have fun and learn, and that’s really all that counts. Whatever result you get, you will value and treasure the memories of making this astounding paper airplane for the rest of your life. And that will be its own reward.Drunk As A Skunk Or Sly As A Fox?
Minutes earlier, he had crossed the downtown street,
walking carefully not only because he was obviously drunk at seven in the morning but also so he didn’t drop his precious cargo in the plain brown paper bag. He made it to the safety of the bus shelter bench and sat down for a moment to gather his thoughts. The man was not alone for long. He was soon joined by a woman, not so obviously drunk, but someone who had seen many years of steady drinking. At least that how it looked to the observer watching her approach the bench and sit down next to her friend. They talked in loud, drink-slurred voices for a few minutes. They hardly let the passing back and forth of the bag and taking drinks from the container in it cause an interruption to their conversation. It was a chilly winter’s morning in the California capital(only about 40 degrees), and the two people on the bench tried to draw warmth from the conversation and the drinking.A public transportation bus pulled up to their location.
The front and back doors opened to allow the arriving passengers to exit through the rear and new passengers to board at the front. The bus was a few minutes ahead of schedule so the driver left the doors open until it was time to leave. The man saw the open rear door of the bus and whispered something to the woman. She shook her head and nodded her head towards the front of the bus where the driver sat. The man chuckled under his breath and urgently whispered again into the woman’s ear. She shook her head again. The man shrugged his shoulders and, not so unsteadily, got to his feet. He looked quickly towards the front of the bus to make sure the driver wasn’t looking. Quick as a flash and to the amazement of other commuters and passersby, the man entered the bus through the open rear doors and took a seat inside. He looked around nonchalantly, like he had every reason to be innocently on the bus.His friend on the bench and everyone else who had witnessed the events watched in awe as the bus doors closed,
and the bus pulled away. It moved about ten feet down the road when it came to a sudden stop and the doors open. Onlookers could see the driver get out of her seat and walk to the back of the bus where the man sat. Through the windows of the bus, the drama was on full display to everyone on the street. The bus driver and the man having an animated conversation. The bus driver pointing an accusatory finger at the man. The man pleading innocence. After five minutes of this back-and-forth bus drama, the man stood up and walked off the bus. He returned to the bus shelter bench and sat back down. He and his lady friend went back to their conversation and their drinking. The bus doors closed, and it pulled away with its legitimate passengers on board.Not Really What You Wanted, Eh?
How far away is Christmas? About seven days? More than likely.
Anyway, the point of this is to explain how not to act when you receive a present you didn’t want. Lots of people have no idea what to do when they receive a present that is… um… of what is yet to be desired. This happened to me Christmas of 2010, I asked for a DSLR camera, a Cannon, I didn’t care if it was a Cannon or not, as long as it was a DSLR. Now, the camera that I received was… of what was not to be desired. I got a plastic little camera, with a pretty bad digital screen on its back screen that also didn’t record. So, to make up for it not being able to record, my mother bought a plastic little video recorder which took pretty decent video, but not at all what I was expecting. The first thing you can do, is don’t do what I did, and that expect to get what you asked for, because the face you make is not going to fool anybody. The key to excitement is all in your eyes, you can make the most excited face that a person has ever saw with the biggest smile, but have eyes as dead, and cold as stone. Or in my case, as sad as a child who gets coal.
My God Father – whom bought me the camera – didn’t realize my disappointment till my mother said, “ah look!” I looked up and her face dropped as she said, “That isn’t what she wanted, at all.” I just kind of kept smiling, trying to act natural, until I rubbed my neck and everyone in the room just knew it wasn’t what I expected. Rubbing your neck is a sheer sign that something is off, that someone is uncomfortable of even lying.
So if that situation happens to you, talk your way out of it, like I did!
After that moment, I hugged my God Father and said, “No, it’s fine. As long as I have a camera it’s fine.” Just to make him feel better, I even took a picture of the camera and put it on Facebook with a bunch of explication points to express the fake happiness that everyone had seemed to buy.
So what have we learned from this story?
Don’t expect what you want, because if your hopes are too high, you’ll be disappointed, and the person who gave you the gift will feel pretty bad also.
One the bright side, Christmas of 2012 I did get the DSLR.
So I guess if you keep asking, things will work out, right?
How to Make Cement
For a long time now, you have found yourself consistently needing cement. You needed it to plug up that hole in the basement floor that you made by jumping up and down too much and to create a sidewalk that now goes from your backyard, through the woods, and to the local McDonald’s. But now, you are recalling how you had to go to the store and buy cement for those projects, and you would like to be more self-sufficient when it comes to cement from now on. Well, great news! You may not have known this, but you can actually make your own cement!
But what is cement made of, you ask? You may be surprised to know this, but it is actually mostly limestone. It super easy to find out more about other natural walling stone that is available! So if you want to make your own cement, you will need the following:
- Full body mask
- Limestone
- A heat source
- Water
