What’s Your Dream Car To Own?

Monkey Pickles
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What’s Your Dream Car To Own?
Ferraris and Lamborghinis are nice, but maybe they aren’t what you’d pick, if you had an unlimited budget.

What’s Your Dream Car To Own?

The Continuing Adventures Of Tartan The Ape-man, Part 7: Quickbooks Quandary

SonOfMonkeyPickles
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The Continuing Adventures Of Tartan The Ape-man, Part 7: Quickbooks Quandary
Previously on Tartan The Ape-Man
Morag is hopelessly lost … in thought … about shoes, Tartan is tickle-attacked by a fabulous snake, there are sex zebras and Dr. Blancface is unhappy with his dogs . Will the zebras perform a stripetease ? If so, will Morag’s administrative skill prove advantageous in calculating the tax due on cash tips? What kind of thongs do zebras wear? Strip away the mystery in the next R rated episode of ….
Tartan The Ape-Man: Quickbooks Quandary…
Tartan The Apeman Story1 Page 7

Hilarious Hipster Jokes

Monkey Pickles
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Hilarious Hipster Jokes

Making fun of hipsters is as essential to life as drinking your morning mocha soy decaf latte. Enjoy this list of hilarious hipster jokes!

    Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? A: Put it in a man bun. Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave. A: They don’t like conventional ovens. Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth? A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream. Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway? A: Because its underground. Q: How do you know if Shakira is still cool? A: Hipsters don’t lie. Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer? A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro. Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class? A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by. Q: What do you call a shy, soft-spoken hipster? A: Mumblr Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist? A: Cool music! Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork Q: What happens when a Hipster falls? A: They Tumblr Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool. Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream. Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion? A: It was too current. Q: How much does a hipster weigh? A: An instagram. Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank low fat non whip frapp before it was cool. Q: How do you kill a hipster? A: Stab it with a Pitchfork Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire? A: Count Swagula. Q: Who was the First Hipster? A: You’ve probably never heard of him. Q: What do you call a hipster with a speech impediment? A: Mumblr. Q: Why do hipsters love ice? A: Because ice was water before it was cool. Q: Why did the hipster stand by the fan? A: He was trying to stay cool. Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters? A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream! Hipster Jokes source

More Funny Jokes!

Procrastination, ’tis The Season: Top Five Tech Gifts

Monkey Pickles
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Procrastination, ’tis The Season: Top Five Tech Gifts
There’s about a week left before Santa comes riding into town…sheesh time flies. I’ve been lucky enough this year to be in Florida for the Holidays. And yes, I’ve been busy enjoying palm trees and 80 degree days so please forgive me if I completely mistimed Christmas.
Or maybe I have “purposely sub-conscienceless-ly” put it out of my mind to skip out on all that Christmas shopping. You know with Black Friday craziness, the crowds and all those lovely customer service folks.
But here were are a week away and I’m not about to Grinch the season. I love Christmas and family time. So I’ve put together a top five list of some techy gifts that you can get online RIGHT now and still get them by the 24th. (hopefully) 5. For the kids or that old school gamer in the family: The Nintendo Wii-U. Its the Wii all grown up with HD graphics and a tablet that you can use as a second screen while jiggle jagglin’ your wii-mote. Starts at $299, but the black Deluxe Wii-U ($349) version comes with a couple of cool games that are worth the extra $50 You’re talking Mario and Zelda in brand new HD adventures, how can you go wrong. 4. For the pre-teens that have everything: The new iPod Touch (starts at $199). Basically its an iphone 5 without the cellular service. BUT that means its still awesome. Hundreds of thousands of apps and games that will keep any brat busy for hours on end. And that means peace and quite for you parents. Give them an iTunes gift card to go along with it as well. 3. For rocking out, wirelessly. Face it just about everyone has a smartphone or a ipod, or some device that has bluetooth connectivity. And everyone loves music, right? So time to get your favorite audiophile a Jawbone Jambox Its a small speaker with built in bluetooth that actually sounds pretty amazing for its size. It comes in a variety of colors and it looks pretty amazing. ($199) 2. A dedicated e-reader for that special bookworm of yours. These devices are getting dirt cheap, they range from as low as $49 to about $249 depending on your make and model. Personally I believe the Kindle Paper White is the best of its class with its high contrast backlit screen. Super light and portable and easily readable outdoors. 1. The number one gift for this holiday season is a tablet. Basically take all the above gifts and combine them into a small, portable and versatile device and you have a tablet. It can be used by a parent to read their favourite books, teens to play games on, and kids can watch someone like kls learning on it. A win-win-win! Lots of good choices too this year but I have to say the three most giftable would be: The Kindle Fire HD, the Nexus 7 and the iPad mini. All are great devices and each has its own characteristics that differentiate from one another. The Kindle Fire would be the most kid friendly, the Google Nexus 7 would be a great gift for those not wanting an Apple product and if they do then iPad mini is…well amazing There you have it. My top techie gifts for 2012 that will make your nerdy loved ones super happy. For more gadget gifts, especially cool gifts for men, you could look at the Coolest Gadgets gift guide! If they love gadgets, they might already have everything on this list. Happy shopping! Great for SO NOW get on Amazon, Best Buy or New Egg’s websites and start ordering quickly! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the Monkey Pickles Goofballs! Join the Monkey Pickles Mash Potatoes Club

Walks Into A Bar Jokes – Funny Jokes

Monkey Pickles
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Walks Into A Bar Jokes – Funny Jokes

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes

You’ve heard ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes forever, even before you were of legal drinking age. Walking into a bar is apparently hilarious. Actually, it isn’t, BUT the punchlines derived from ‘walks into a bar’ are! The setup is so simple: the punchline is usually a play on words combined with many other variables, like the ‘man’ that walks into a bar can be a woman, a sandwich, or a unicorn. It doesn’t matter as long as the old-school setup of ‘walks into a bar’ is the same distinct theme. Here are our favorite ‘walks into a bar’ jokes!

A Drunk Walks Into a Bar…

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”

Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

Source

A Man Walks Into a Bar…

The bartender says, “Congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary beer.”

Man: “Hey, thanks!”

Bartender: “Of course, and it’s only five dollars!”

Man: “I thought you said it was complimentary?”

Bartender: “It is.”

Beer: “You have beautiful eyes.”

reddit/user/Ayru_

A Gorilla Walks Into a Bar…

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can’t believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.”

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore.

“You know,” he says to the gorilla, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

And the gorilla says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

reddit/user/Zs2k

A Duck Walks Into a Bar…

Says to the bar tender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.” Bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, “I want to buy some peanuts.” Bartender replies, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts!” The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, “I want to buy some peanuts!” Bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, “Do you have any nails?” Bartender says, “Sorry, don’t have nails.” Duck asks, “Do you have any peanuts?”

Source

A Man Walks into a Bar…

He tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.”

When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?”

When she says yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs- runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END- well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”

Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!”

The man says, “Funny… that’s what I had in here yesterday…”

Source

A Man Walks Into a Bar…

Goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says “Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special.”

He directs the man’s attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.

“If you can run down to the end of the bar, jump up, and take a bite out of one of those pieces of meat, you get to drink free here for the rest of your life. But I’ll warn you, if you try it and fail, you have to buy all of the drinks for the rest of the bar all night.”

The man replies “Well, let me think about it. Mind if I take a look?” The bartender lets him, so he saunters down to the end of the bar, and takes a nice, long look at the hanging meat, before turning around and coming back.

“Nah, I think I’ll just order a beer.”

“Alright, but just curious… why aren’t you taking the challenge?”

“Buddy, the steaks are just too high.”

reddit/user/catsfanuk87

Satan Announces His Candidacy For US Presidency

Monkey Pickles
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Satan Announces His Candidacy For US Presidency
INT. LAS VEGAS SHOWROOM – DAY

The showroom’s normal furniture has been replaced with folding chairs,

and instead of tourists enjoying a show, reporters talking in dozen of languages and cameramen fill the audience area. The stage area is clear except for a plain lectern. Suddenly, all the lights in the room go out. The babble of the gathered reporters fills the darkness. The reporters stop talking as the sounds of the Rolling Stones’ song, Sympathy for the Devil, is piped in through the room’s sound system. Two spotlights click on, focused on the lectern. The illuminated area is filled with eruptions of smoke; the air is filled with the smell of sulpher and brimstone.

Satan, dressed in a tailored, three-piece suit, appears behind the lectern.

The normal room lights turn back on. Satan clear his throat as he waits for the smoke to clear, and the reporters to take their seats. SATAN I will read a brief statement then take questions. (clears throat again) For several decades, my name has been used by liberals in their claims that I, in the guise of various Republican presidents, have taken over the government; similarly, conservatives have claimed that I, in the guise of various Democratic presidents and legislators, have brought down God’s wrath on the United States. I am here today to announce that I am leaving the politcial sidelines and officially entering the game. Since I have always had grand visions of myself and my place in creation since before the Fall, I today am announcing I am a candidate for President of the United States. (pauses) Now I will take your questions.

The room is silent for several seconds except for the clicking of cameras.

Then, reporters all jump to their feet, yelling questions, drowning each other out in the confusion. Satan smiles impishly. After a moment, he points a finger at Brian Williams. The other reporters quiet down and take their seats. SATAN Brian Williams! You have the first question. BRIAN WILLIAMS Thank you,… SATAN (interrupting) Congrats on that new five year deal with NBC for $1 billion. BRIAN WILLIAMS Thank… SATAN (interrupting) Don’t expect to be around to see the full amount. (smiles) Now, your question. BRIAN WILLIAMS (clear throat nervously) Satan, with a history like yours, how do you expect to be elected President? SATAN Because America will know with me, they will be getting what they see. Unlike most of those elected to the office of President, I won’t tell you one thing and do another. After all, who would believe me, the Prince of Lies, if I told them anything other than I would do what you expect I would do given my history. BRIAN WILLIAMS Why did you decide to make your announcement here in Las Vegas? Why not somewhere else? SATAN (smiling) Because it is Sin City, baby!!! Sodom and Gomorrah ruled into one despite what the local Chamber of Commerce tries to portray now. (chuckles) Besides, I am a huge Steven King fan. Love all his books. If you remember in his story, The Stand, he locates my capital here. Plus, I used to have great fun here with the Rat Pack. Even I get nostalgic. (points to Bill O’Reilly) Bill, you have the next questions. Brian Williams sits down, and Bill O’Reilly stands. BILL O’REILLY Satan, you know the Birther movement is going to attempt to find out if you were born here in the U.S. and actually qualify to run for the Presidency. What do you have to say to them? SATAN I say to them that if you listen to officials of various Arab nations and Iran over the past forty years, all you hear from them is that America is the land of the Great Satan. I rest my case. BILL O’REILLY What about religious Americans—Christian, Jew and Moslem—how will you get their votes? SATAN Better the Devil you know, then the devil you only think you know. Again, instead of hiding behind a false piety, I will be straight with the American people. I am a liar, a cheat, a wrongdoer. I am Evil Incarnate! But at least, I am honest and open about it. Bill O’Reilly sits down. Satan scans the crowd of reporters who are all raising their hands to get his attention. He settles on… SATAN Tavis Smiley, you have the next question. Tavis Smiley stands. TAVIS SMILEY Satan, what do you have to offer Black America? SATAN Thank you for that question, Tavis. I offer Black America what I have always offered it: injustice, oppression, drugs, gang violence, substandard education, unemployment. Nothing new. The oldies but goodies. TAVIS SMILEY No hope? No chance for improvement? SATAN (shaking his head) Not in your lifetime. (grins) And not until I cash in Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson’s contracts. Tavis Smiley sits down. Satan again looks around the room and picks the next reporter. SATAN Scott Pelley. What are your questions? Scott Pelley stands. SCOTT PELLEY Are you running as a Republican or a Democrat? SATAN As an Independent. I don’t get along well with others. If you don’t believe me, just ask God and the Archangels. They’ll tell you I have issues with authority and don’t play well with others. SCOTT PELLEY How will you finance your campaign? SATAN Contributions, both legal and illegal, from those I have helped in the past. Plus I am sure there will be no shortage of PAC money from corporations and unions in exchange for quid pro quos that I have no intention of keeping. SCOTT PELLEY Why would they help fund you knowing you don’t intend to keep your commitments to them? SATAN Because they will want to believe against hope that I really will honor my deals with them. It is human nature. I know what I am talking about. I’ve been in the human nature game for a long time. SCOTT PELLEY I know it is early in the political season, but do you have a list of potential VP candidates? SATAN I do. The short list includes Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Alec Baldwin, and…Keanu Reeves. SCOTT PELLEY I understand the others, but why Keanu Reeves? SATAN (grinning sheepishly) Because I enjoyed the way he kicked the ass of the fictional me in his movie, Constantine. Satan takes a step away from the lectern and dissolves in a puff of smoke.          

How Many Days Can You Skip Brushing Your Teeth Before People Notice?

Monkey Pickles
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How Many Days Can You Skip Brushing Your Teeth Before People Notice?
Mornings can be rushed when you’re trying to get out the door, and sometimes, unfortunately, something has to get cut from the routine.

How Many Days Can You Skip Brushing Your Teeth Before People Notice?

Grandpa

Leslie M
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Grandpa
And, Grandpa will eat his meal, sit down in his chair, unbutton his pants.            

What Embarrassing Items Do You Have In Your Music Collection?

Monkey Pickles
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What Embarrassing Items Do You Have In Your Music Collection?
It doesn’t matter whether your music collection is made up of CDs, cassette tapes, LPs or iTunes files. We’ve all got something embarrassing in there, something we bury and hope our spouse or children will never know about us.

What Embarrassing Items Do You Have In Your Music Collection?

What To Do When Bored At Home

Monkey Pickles
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What To Do When Bored At Home
Being bored at home is so normal that most people have accepted boredom to be part of their lives. Some are even married to it. So it is impossible to separate them from their long time lover. But here is some good news. You can get a divorce and free yourself from the boredom at your miserable home. Some will call you a nerd while others will simply say you are high on something. It doesn’t matter. As long as the boring home doesn’t kill you. So here is a look at some of the things you can do at home to get rid of the boredom.

Have A Solo Costume Party

If you are bored at home, then chances are high that you are alone. And what better way to excite yourself than to have a costume party alone and take pictures! The only time you can put on whatever you like and get away with it is on a Halloween. But what if you still have months to the next Halloween? There is no harm in making your own Halloween. Host yourself and dress up in your favorite costume. You will be alone so no one will judge. Scare yourself if you have to. It is even more fun to act scared. Choose a time era or a horror movie character and make sure you shape the party to meet your interests.

Draw Faces On Eggs

Are you an artist? If not, that’s even better for this activity. The best time to try out your amateur skills is when you are bored alone in the house. So open your fridge and take out the egg tray. Paint your favorite celebrity or cartoon character on each and every egg. You don’t have to be good at it. You also never know. This may be the beginning of a huge career. How do you think Pablo Picasso started? Well, not on eggs probably, but at least he started from somewhere. You can make this activity more fun by making the eggs talk to each other. Like a puppet show, but now with eggs! Sounds fun right? Just make sure not to drop any because unlike puppets, eggs cannot survive a fall.

Be A Spy

The best way to kill the boredom is by doing things most people will consider stupid or childish. Now have you ever watched spy movies? If you haven’t, there are tonnes of movie websites to watch them on. For example, you could use cineblog01 to find your ultimate inspiration. Have you ever noted how smooth those spies operate as they sneak around, taking notes and hiding behind everything? You soon will after you watch the movies and you can do the same. Dress in a dark outfit, take a note book and start spying on someone in the house. Sneak around, write notes and take pictures secretly. Make it look like you are an undercover investigator. Use some coded language as you respond back to your headquarters.

Dress Up Your Pet

As childish as this may sound, it totally works. How do you think kids spend the whole day in the house and don’t complain? It is the things you consider childish that keep them indoors. So when you are bored at home, try and switch places with your kid and do the abnormal. For instance, you can dress up your dog in a tuxedo and black shades and make it look like it’s ready to go on a date. A white poodle will look good in some pink stilettos and a red lipstick. Make sure you incorporate a nice handbag. Make your dog the diva you have always admired.

Kesha And The Dollar Sign

Monkey Pickles
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Kesha And The Dollar Sign
Welcome Ke$ha to Monkey Pickles.. HAHHAHAHA Your inspiring songs have really moved us to become better in what we do in life. Especially after 6pm at night any day of the week. Its like pure tearful emotion that you like our beards and you know that place downtown with glitter on the floor.. I mean I like glitter who doesn’t? Whiskey tastes great out of a water bottle. I wish our name had some fun symbols in it.. Like Monkey Pickle$    

‘The Trip To Candy Mountain: Things Aren’t Always What They Seem’

Monkey Pickles
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‘The Trip To Candy Mountain: Things Aren’t Always What They Seem’

My goggle-eyed miniature dog friend

, Horatio, and spaghetti-armed pilot from Octopus Land, set off for Candy Mountain this morning. Always one of the many stops along our imaginary tour of the Ideal Universe, none among us ever thought it might be real. We pooled our bubble gum wads, and stretched it over an open volcano, hopping into the basket made of straw as it rose into the wonderful air, not knowing what we might find.

How will we now when we get there?

Redwood-sized sugarcane trees growing lollipops. Fields of candy corn. Giant rivers of chocolate, with churning chocolate waterfalls. Chocolate running into lakes of milk making milk chocolate shakes. Rocky Road ice cream roads lined with licorice strips. Pixie Stick ice caps. Ice cream icebergs dotting a soda jerk heaven of ocean. Volcanoes spewing hot caramel.

Such is the Candy Mountain of our collective imagination.

But, what if we’re living in a Fantasy Land unable to face Harsh Reality? Are we just Marshmallow People trapped in a candied dream? Notwithstanding our concerns, we launched toward our destination, intent on seeing what no civilized creature had ever seen: Candy Mountain. If it’s not what we imagined, if it’s filled with angry monsters who want only to tear us limb-from-limb, perhaps we’ll be strengthened by the experience. ‘THERE IT IS!! THERE IT IS!!’ yaps Horatio, spying a geological formation off in the not-so-great distance. But, the pilot had already made directional adjustments. ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ I intoned wisely. ‘The journey is the destination,’ mused the octopus. ‘JUST GET THERE!!’, cried the chihuahua.

Nothing could have prepared us for the reality . .

Something about a sugary-sweet Utopia, a land of never-ending sweetness, blinded us to the Great Reality of Life: there will always be politics. We see from our aerial perch Dandy Candy Dwarves mining rock candy from Candy Mountain. To have an empire there must be industry. What other industry could there be on Candy Mountain, an entire geological structure constructed of candy, than rock candy mining? Of course, it all seemed so normal, so regular now. We should have seen it coming. And with wealth and riches comes power. ‘But, he’s so mean!!’, yapped Horatio, considering the Candy Goblin King with giant candy cane scepter smacking Twizzler Gnome minions about as he roared: ‘WE NEED MORE ROCK CANDY!!’

Should we save them?

Clearly, conflict between the Twizzler Gnomes and the Pixies—with their itty, bitty pointy hats—under the rule of the Candy Goblin King with giant candy cane scepter had been going on long before we arrived on the Candy Mountain scene. Going on perhaps since the invention of candy. We, the wholly-clean newcomers with our highly-moral outlook, so sure we were in the right. What could, should, would we do? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE STARTLING CONCLUSION TO: ‘The Trip to Candy Mountain: Things Aren’t Always What They Seem’ (Reader input below determines resolution.)

The Teacher gives Johnny a simple math problem…

Monkey Pickles
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The Teacher gives Johnny a simple math problem…

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Funny Words That Start With Q

Monkey Pickles
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Funny Words That Start With Q
Poor Q has to share its sound with K and C, but in this list, Q doesn’t have to share the spotlight, especially since it actually looks like a spotlight!

1. Quackle

If you quackle someone, you choke them. Crime shows don’t use this word because they don’t want their viewing audience to laugh. They can’t go around saying, “How was the victim murdered?” “She was quackled to death.” See? I bet you’re smiling right now, even though that poor actress fake-died.

2. Quagswag

Have you ever seen a dog with a rope in its mouth, shaking his head back and forth vigorously? Then you’ve witnessed quagswagging! That’s way better than regular wagging, right?

3. Quoz

The next time someone says something completely ludicrous, just say, “That’s quoz!” They’ll be baffled, but just keep saying it, and they’ll get the hint that you’re telling them their idea is absurd and you’ll have none of it.

4. Quotha

If you happen to be one of those indie book writers, you’re probably always looking for new words to describe expressions. Here’s one for the books – quotha. It means an expression of contempt. “Her husband looked at her with quotha.” It probably won’t work in a thriller novel though, because it’s too arcane and your readers might think he looked at her with some drug in his system that made his eyesight blurry.

5. Quaggy

You can use quaggy in your novel, though. “He looked at her with contempt as she tried to push the carriage wheel out of the quaggy earth.” Quaggy means soft and watery. Then the guy could swoop in and come to the damsel’s rescue, and her boyfriend could get jealous and challenge the first guy to a duel. You take it from there, though. I don’t want you to think my idea is quoz.

6. Quod

A quod is a prison. So if you’ve been locked away for some reason (and please, don’t tell me why – I don’t want to know), and your friends ask where you’ve been, just say you were in quod. Don’t say prison, because you might not have any friends after that. Whereas if you say quod, they might think you were at some mediation retreat or something. It sounds better anyway, to hear, “You’re going to quod for a long, long time.” If you put it that way, it doesn’t sound bad at all, but I still don’t want to know why you were in quod.

7. Quasi

I like this word. Well, it’s not really a word. It’s a quasi word. Because you have to attach it to something, like he’s a quasi doctor. Meaning he’s not really a doctor; he just plays one on TV. If you’re a fake doctor, that could mean you’re an imposter. But a quasi doctor sounds like he actually has some credentials, even though he’s nothing but a fake. Come to think of it, he could go to quod for a long time for pretending to be a doctor. Then he could be charged with quotha of court. What a quagmire.

The 10 Notorious Sandwiches Most Likely To Steal Your Identity And Move In With Your Woman / Man / Monkey / Cadillac Convertible

SonOfMonkeyPickles
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The 10 Notorious Sandwiches Most Likely To Steal Your Identity And Move In With Your Woman / Man / Monkey / Cadillac Convertible
Are you out to lunch?
MP Ham Sandwich… and want to try something different?
Y’know, like the time you ran into Wendy’s wearing only a novelty prophylactic and shouted, “Did anyone ask for a condom mint?”
That didn’t work out so well and now you have a new job … but every occasionally you have to throw caution to the wind and take a bold step away from the Monkey Pickle endorsed Ham Sandwich.
So here are a buffet of edgy sandwiches ( What? … Sandwiches have edges. )  you might want to challenge your local Subway operative to make.
But if they meet that challenge, run away … run away quite quickly.
 
1. The Knuckle Sandwich.
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Self explanatory, really. If you try to eat a sandwich that knocks your teeth out, how do you eat it? And trying to suck a sandwich up a straw really isn’t worth the trouble.
 
2. The Pig Knuckle Sandwich.
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Not dissimilar to entry 1. in our list but far more organised and difficult to avoid. Not merely because it’s so tasty but also because it was the favorite means of enforcing the porktection racket, run by the Hog Father, that terrified the deli owners of New Pork. Eventually gang tensions culminated in a climatic battle between the pigs, Daniel Day-Lewis, dinosaurs ( why not )  and giant transforming Japanese robots disguised as luncheon meat slicers ( which hadn’t been invented yet ), in the capital of India ( for some reason ) and decimated The Gangs Of New Pork. As authorities literally mopped up afterwards, bacon was discovered and America was built.
 
3. The 4th Earl  Of Sandwich.
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AVOID THIS SANDWICH!!!
If you have not successfully avoided this sandwich, you are trapped in the 17th century and probably have syphilis. ….. Bad luck there.
 
4. The Ron Jeremy Foot Long
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The administrators of Monkey Pickles have requested that I do not describe this sandwich.
 
5. The Swingers Sandwich
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This sandwich SEEMS exciting but it’s more complicated to put together than you realize, usually ends up limp, is gone in seconds and rarely satisfies you. Additionally, it is often a bad idea to let neighbors help you make it, it is not suitable for a picnic or a wedding buffet … and it is very difficult to know what is mayonnaise.
 
6. The Wicked Sandwich Of The West.
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If you live on the west coast and your name is Dorothy, then move ! … Seriously ! … ‘Cause this freaking crazy sandwich is after your red shoes. 
I mean, what does a sandwich need heels for ???? That’s how bat crazy she is !  You’ll literally have to drop a house on her to stop her.
And talking about bats …….. A monkey shouldn’t do that …. It’s weird man …. Just freaking weird ….
 
7. The Seven Year Sandwich
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This is clearly passed its best before date. You should leave it alone, its not going to make you feel any better.
 
8. Erin Brocksandwich
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a ) This is obviously a person. We shouldn’t eat people … It is generally frowned upon.
&
b ) Are you sure you want to take the risk ?  ” By the way, we had this sandwich brought in special for you folks. Came from a deli in Hinkley. ”  
 
9. The Sandswitch Blade
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C’mon! …. It’s got blades in ! … You’re not that daft are ya ????
 
10. Sandwich Davies Jr.
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It was rumored that this talented legendary sandwich would  make your taste buds sing if you ate it … but no one ever tried for fear of incurring underworld reprisals from The Wrap Pack. 
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