You’re a kid. Your job is school. Try to make the most of it so you can achieve the illusive American dream of 2.6 kids, a giant house with an astronomical mortgage that keeps you up at night, a hot trophy wife that maxed out your credit cards every month, tons of college debt you’ll never pay off, and an ulcer the size of a large grapefruit. Ah, there’s just so much to look forward to, but right now your focus is school. Make the most of it by following the golden rule of your studies. Pay that hot chick to do your homework for you, especially the really long boring stuff, like anything to do with the “Scarlet Letter”, “Moby Dick”, or that god-awful “Great Gatsby.” Yes, Daisy was kind of an arsehole, I’m giving it to you straight here. Don’t put that in your term paper. See we’re already giving you good advice. Here’s the do’s and don’ts of school.
DO Call Your Teacher “Hey Lady”
Here’s a little fun fact about teachers. They love to be called “hey lady.” Or grandma. Auntie Apple. Mrs. McSmartikins. All endearing compliments of affection. There are all kinds of cute nicknames you can come up with for your teachers. Spend some hard earned time on this one, so that you call her something different everyday. Develop a rapport with her, so that she’s obviously going to give you “A’s” on all your assignments. You might not even have to do any of the homework. With so much appropriate sucking up, you’ll have that Red Rider BB Gun in no time. Wait. That’s from the movie, “Christmas Story.” On second thought, just bring her a red shiny apple and call it a day.
DO Covet They Neighbor’s Chocolate Milk
It’s a fact. Chocolate milk is delicious. This is the endgame kid. Get as much chocolate milk from the school cafeteria each day. Don’t even bring a lunch. Just bring your money for chocolate milk. Steal some when the lunch ladies aren’t looking. Snag a few from your friends when they are checking their Instagram accounts. Be the king of chocolate milk. This is your lunchtime destiny. People will think you’re cool, because you’re the kid with the unlimited supply of chocolate milk. When people ask you why you drink all that chocolate milk, just tell them “osteoporosis man, it’s a bitch.” Strong bones and the coolest kid in school? That’s you! Milk. It sure doesn’t suck.
DON’T Steal The Principal’s Car
I know it might seem like a cool senior prank to steal the principal’s car and put it on the roof of the school. Paint in big block letters on the car, “Principal Rooney’s a Dildo!” Not that I’m giving you any ideas here. This was something that was hip to do back in the day, a long long time ago. Yeah like when cops and the school board had a sense of humor. And fun kid pranks were a part of growing up. They don’t anymore. They will absolutely throw the book at you. Now it’s just “grand theft auto” and “aggravated menacing.” You’ll end up in Sing Sing as an adult offender, having just turned 18 with the new task of being Bubba’s plaything because you’re just sooo pretty. There’s just no way to have fun anymore.
DON’T Date At All
Here’s a tip. Don’t date any high school girls at all. They are not worth your time. You’ll just have to spend all your hard earned cash at that part time Pizza Hut job on movies and dinners to impress them. Spend it on worthwhile stuff like internet sports betting and online porn. You just have to pay for the good stuff still! Wait until college when the girls get a little looser with their inhibitions. Sluts rule! High school girls are a huge amount of work, effort, and talking. Oh the crazy amounts of talking you have to do with a high school girl. It’s like a thousand texts when all you asked is if she had a math test. She’s going to go on about “well so and so doesn’t like me and why didn’t I make the varsity cheerleading squad and my mom says that I’m so much better than all the other girls and how come Sarah got the new iPhone 7 and I didn’t and why didn’t you talk me between 5th period and WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME…until your eyes bleed from looking at your smartphone screen all night. Is that what you want? Bloody eyeballs? Nope. College girls are where it’s at.