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Household Uses For Coal

Did you tempt fate and wind up with a stocking full of coal? Fortunately, that punishment from the leading cause of childhood obesity is actually a blessing in disguise for those that know how to make the best use of such a versatile substance. This article will list just a few ways to make lemonade out of this metaphorical Christmas lemon.

Try the Goth Scene on a Budget

Have you ever wondered the appeal of dressing in black and moaning about why life is pain? Enough people have kept the trend running that there must be something to it. Sadly, it can cost an awful lot of money to look like you don’t care what anyone thinks. That is, it can be expensive for those who don’t have a grotesquely large sock full of coal!

Rub some coal dust with water or oil to get the perfect natural eye liner. Dye your hair with a sinkful of water and coal. Throw some good chunks in the washing machine, and get your clothes to that perfect ghoulish tone. You can run with the dark crowd with a minimal investment, if you don’t count the cost of replacing the washing machine…

Make Your E-Fortune

The Internet is a beautiful thing. People can buy and sell just about anything with the use of Craigslist and E-Bay. It is time for you to sell your chunks of coal to the virtual world of idiots by labeling them as ‘Diamond Seeds’. I mean, we all know that diamonds are nothing more than carbon that endured crazy amounts of heat and pressure, right? Obviously, you don’t have the means to create the conversion yourself, but there are some dummies out there who won’t realize that. Their lack of intelligence, and your chemically accurate marketing can make you a lot of money without any legal consequences.

Is it the nicest way to earn a living? No. Was it the nicest thing for that fat guy to leave a stocking of coal just because you let 3 wild hogs loose at your church Christmas program, one painted with ‘#1’, one painted with ‘#2’, and one painted with ‘#4’ so the youth pastor would have to spend his entire holiday weekend looking in the basement crypts for the elusive ‘#3’ piggy? No! Turn about is fair play, dagnabbit!

Zombie Camouflage

We all know its coming. The government doesn’t want you to believe it, but the media full of too many stories and documentaries for us to deny the inevitability of the coming Zombie Apocalypse. For those with big trucks, bow staff skills, and the ability to make women swoon even when covered in sweat, blood, and Zombie poop (Lookin’ at you, Daryl!)- the fight and run option is a viable choice.

For those of us, however, not so macholy-inclined and much more hygienically-trained, that might not be possible. Having some extra coal will allow you the perfect stage make-up to look like the infected individuals around you. This will keep them from hunting you. You know what they say, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them. Let your bounty of coal help you to hide in plain sight.

Beauty Face Masks

If you look at the common ingredients in those expensive face masks that women use to moisturize and exfoliate, you will notice that a large number of them include sand, lava rocks, and pumice. What is coal but a sister to such rocky substances? Make your own beauty mask with a bit of lotion and some coal dust! This can exfoliate, and could leave your skin a few shades darker. That makes it a beauty mask and a self-tanner all in one.

Coal for Christmas doesn’t have to be the makings of a bad Christmas. It can really be quite useful and entertaining!

Monkey Pickles
Monkey Pickles
Monkey Pickles is a fun social media humor community centered on everyday nonsense. We base our humor in our community, reactions and comments. We enjoy building a community of friends not just followers. If you haven't laughed yet today, something is wrong!
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