When it comes to underarm waxing, you can’t be too careful. We’ve heard enough horror stories to know that ripping hair out of your body is nothing to screw around with. There are many reasons to want to get your underarms waxed: you’re too lazy to hold a razor, you’re allergic to soap, you’re a masochist, you found out that Tom Brady does it and he’s your hero, etc. For the ultimate experience in waxing, we’ve got some helpful Do’s and Don’ts for all you smooth-skinned Monkey Picklers!
DO Prepare For Immense Pain
Oh, you thought you were going to get off easy, didn’t you? “Underarm waxing can’t be THAT bad,” you are saying to yourself, “it’s just a quick rip and we’re done, right?” WRONG, kiddo. Wrong. You should take 6 ibuprofen, 3 Xanax, drink a carafe of whiskey, and do at least 8 rips off of a bong. Maybe get someone to drive you to your appointment. Point is, it’s gonna hurt, and you need to be ready for the excruciating pain.
DON’T Find An Expensive Waxer/Esthetician
Here’s the truth: any Joe Schmo can plop down some wax, lay down a piece of magic cloth on top, and pull. You are going to need this done probably every few days, and that gets expensive! Go on Craigslist and make an ad for yourself. Say something like, “Newbie Needs Cheap Waxer! Looking for a quick and cheap wax. Must be able to host and have own implements. Will be compensated by money or ?. Please respond quickly, I’m ready to go ASAP!” and watch the responses come rolling in. You may even find a kinky new friend to hang out with as an added bonus!
DO Go Tanning Immediately Afterwards
The melanin in your skin will react with the open follicles from waxing and will not only make your skin really tan right away, it will purge the follicles of any bacteria! Purging the bacteria creates a hormone that makes you instantly more attractive to everyone who comes within 6 feet of you. Your partner will find you irresistible, neighborhood dogs will hump your leg, and babies will smile at you. So remember: Waxing + Tanning = Caribbean Casanova.
DON’T Put Your Arms Down For At Least 8 Hours
The MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember about underarm waxing is to leave your arms up over your head for at least 8 hours after you get waxed. This prevents any sweat or moisture from accumulating in the area, which can be detrimental to the freshly waxed skin. Any moisture in the skin will create a chemical reaction and the hair will grow back in with a beard-like consistency. You’ll be braiding it to keep it from poking out of your shirts. It will literally look like you are hiding clown wigs under your arms. Do we need to go on? Bald men will tuck themselves under your pits to warm their heads. Instead of a Brillo pad, you’ll be able to scrub dishes on your beard-pits. People will CALL YOU Beard-Pits, and it will be detrimental to your self-esteem. Phew! Ok, we’re done.
Now you’re ready to get an underarm wax! With these simple instructions, you can have smooth pits and not feel self-conscious about the horrendous growth of body hair you clearly have. So get out there and raise the roof with no worries about being judged by your swarthiness!