Don’tcha hate that shuddering thing your car does when you’re just about to run out of gas? By the time your car does that move, it’s too late to do anything but hope you can make it to the berm before it stops entirely. Don’t worry. I can help you, buddy boy.
Of course, your first reaction is outrage. How could your car treat you like this? What a piece of crap! Go ahead, kick a tire. Get it out of your system.
Now that you’ve cooled off (or not, if the sun is beating down on you as you stand exposed on the side of the road), it’s time to get busy. Did you happen to put an emergency container of gas in your trunk? Think! Think!
No? Okay, don’t worry. You can easily hitch a ride to a gas station and get gas. NOT! Put that thumb away! Don’t you know there are maniacs on the road? Not including you, of course.
Now, do you have your cell phone? Is it charged? If it is, you can call AAA and they’ll send a guy out to put, like, 5 bucks of gas in your car – enough to get you to a gas station. Don’t worry if you aren’t a member. They can sign you up right on the phone, and this will be your first service call. Okay, the number is…..what? Whaddaya mean your phone’s not in the car? Why not? Well, where did you last see it? Okay, never mind, never mind. Next plan.
Take off your underwear….wait, I’m just kidding. Do you have a white anything in your car? It can be a paper towel, or a napkin, or even a white piece of paper. Yes, it can be your tighty whities, but I told you, I was JOKING! No one will stop to help a distressed driver with knickers waving out the window. Especially yours. You know what I mean.
Okay, that will do. Now fix that white napkin in the window and roll it up real tight so it doesn’t blow away. How’s your Karma, by the way? With any luck, you’ll get a good Samaritan to stop to help, and not some nut job on his way to his parole hearing.
Okay, here comes someone! Try to look like a normal person. Shoot, they’re not slowing down. Ouch! I can’t believe they threw a beer can at you! And a full one, too! You okay? You’re all wet, but there’s nothing you can do about it now.
Alright, alright, alright! Here comes a cop car! Wow, you’re in luck today, buddy boy! He’ll help you, for sure. He’s slowing down, pulling over, turning his lights on. Just standard stuff. No worries.
(30 minutes later)
I can’t believe you got a ticket for a DUI! That is so funny! I mean, not funny but, you know, funny. Like, you’ll laugh about it in a few years. Well, look on the bright side, buddy boy. Now you have a free ride to town in the back of a police car, and they’re towing your car for free! I TOLD you I could help!