So you’ve decided to dump your girlfriend. You must be pretty brave to pull a stunt like that. After all you’ve been through together? All those long nights talking about what your future could be? And for what? Nothing!
Well listen up, dirtbag! If you think you’ve really got what it takes to make it on your own, we’ll help you do this as painlessly as possible. Lord knows she deserves better than you anyway.
Method 1: The Heartfelt Approach
This style of breaking up is probably the hardest. It also puts you in the most danger of bodily harm since you will be performing this breakup face to face.
Suggest a meet-up at a restaurant, bar or other public place that has plenty of witnesses. Somewhere with free Wi-Fi is always a good idea so you can access your cloud drives to show her the PowerPoint you created to chronicle all the reasons you’re leaving.
The most basic approach is to machine-gun out a long list of reasons you are done with her, followed quickly with, “But it’s not you, it’s me.” This serves the dual purpose of making her feel regret and confusing her. The double-whammy effect will leave her speechless as you make your escape.
To make sure you nail this process, we recommend plenty of practice. Practice on anybody who loves or cares about you to get the best results. Your mom. Your roommate. Your dog.
To get the most out of this practice, wait to see how much they cry. Then laugh at them and tell them you’re just practicing. Nice job!
Method 2: The Distant Approach
This is our favorite technique and the most cowardly. It’s so easy we’ve reduced it to a list of bullet points.
- Invite her to an expensive restaurant.
- Don’t show up.
- Wait until she calls a few times.
- Don’t answer.
- Send her a text that says you’re leaving her.
- Block her number.
- Move to Vegas.
Much easier than the heartfelt approach, this style requires almost nothing from you in terms of realizing the heart-rending damage you’ve caused. Many prefer this method because it allows them to move to Vegas (or really anywhere) and immediately begin dating strippers without the need for guilt or regret. You’re a grown-up. You’ve made a grown-up decision. Now hook up with strippers.
Inevitably, she is going to call you back. She might even want to try again. We always recommend allowing second chances and third chances, and sometimes even fourth chances.
Our reasoning is that you can never get enough break-up practice. And if you find a nice girl who is willing to go along with it, you should capitalize on that. Don’t be sorry. One day you will meet the perfect woman who makes your dreams come true and — thanks to all your practice — you’ll be able to break up with her, too.