You know, everybody seems to make fun of toupees. If a man is found out to be wearing a toupee, he becomes a laughing stock. Remember when George Costanza on Seinfeld wore a toupee? He felt confident and handsome until Elaine ripped it off his head and tossed it out the window of Jerry’s apartment. Which just goes to show you how unimaginative Elaine really is. She could have done any number of creative things with that toupee, including the following:
1. Giant in the Basement Gag
The next time your sister’s kids come to visit, use a toupee to scare the bejeezus out of them. Get yourself some carpet tape (or toupee tape) and adhere the toupee to the kitchen floor. Tell your niece and nephew to tread carefully so they don’t step on the head of the giant, who’s standing in the basement. Tell them if they accidentally do, the giant will come upstairs and eat them for dinner. (Probably best to keep this gag secret from your sister, by the way.)
2. Blind Date Frivolity
If you’re a single woman, you know how torturous it can be to live through a bad blind date. Instead of relying on your friend to give you an “escape” phone call, why not liven up the date with this blind date frivolity?
Buy yourself one of those bald head caps they use for costumes and in movies. Get the kind that only makes it look like you have a bald head in the middle, but hair on the sides. Go ahead and put that on. Right there, you’re probably already laughing at how funny you look. Imagine how guys feel! Okay, now cover the bald patch with the toupee and blend it in with your own hair. Now doll yourself up really good so your date can’t believe his good luck when he sets eyes on you.
At dinner, when you’ve had enough of hearing stories about his mother, it’s time to make your move.
Drop your spoon, and as you bend down to pick it up, let the toupee fall off your head, revealing what he thinks is a bald patch on the top of your head. The reaction from your date will be worth it, trust me. This is going to be a real shocker for the guy, so be prepared for his string of desperate excuses to get out of there. If you can muster up a hurt expression at his shallowness, you deserve an Oscar nomination.
3. Mop Up
Toupees make the best mop heads. That may even be where the term mop head came from, although it’s anybody’s guess. Say you want to give your car a good washing. Don’t waste your money on pricey car mitts. Simply have your wife sew your toupee in half so your hand fits snugly inside. Suds up with some car soap and go to town. The toupee’s soft hairs will lovingly work to wash away all that dandruff road debris and make your ride shiny as new.
Don’t be selfish with your toupee. Offer to wash the kitchen floor with it. Just push the toupee along with the end of a mop handle. Nice and easy, there, don’t be in a rush. When you’re finished, you can just leave the wet toupee on the floor if you want to do a wet version of the giant in the basement gag for your wife.
Next time you notice someone rocking a bad toupee, instead of giggling inside, why not ask if you can borrow it for a few giggles? You and baldy might just hit it off. You never know.