INT. LAS VEGAS SHOWROOM – DAY
The showroom’s normal furniture has been replaced with folding chairs,
and instead of tourists enjoying a show, reporters talking in dozen of languages and cameramen fill the audience area. The stage area is clear except for a plain lectern. Suddenly, all the lights in the room go out. The babble of the gathered reporters fills the darkness. The reporters stop talking as the sounds of the Rolling Stones’ song, Sympathy for the Devil, is piped in through the room’s sound system. Two spotlights click on, focused on the lectern. The illuminated area is filled with eruptions of smoke; the air is filled with the smell of sulpher and brimstone.
Satan, dressed in a tailored, three-piece suit, appears behind the lectern.
The normal room lights turn back on. Satan clear his throat as he waits for the smoke to clear, and the reporters to take their seats.
I will read a brief statement then take questions.
(clears throat again)
For several decades, my name has been used by liberals in their claims that I, in the guise of various Republican presidents, have taken over the government; similarly, conservatives have claimed that I, in the guise of various Democratic presidents and legislators, have brought down God’s wrath on the United States. I am here today to announce that I am leaving the politcial sidelines and officially entering the game. Since I have always had grand visions of myself and my place in creation since before the Fall, I today am announcing I am a candidate for President of the United States.
Now I will take your questions.
The room is silent for several seconds except for the clicking of cameras.
Then, reporters all jump to their feet, yelling questions, drowning each other out in the confusion. Satan smiles impishly. After a moment, he points a finger at Brian Williams. The other reporters quiet down and take their seats.
Brian Williams! You have the first question.
Congrats on that new five year deal with NBC for $1 billion.
Don’t expect to be around to see the full amount.
Now, your question.
(clear throat nervously)
Satan, with a history like yours, how do you expect to be elected President?
Because America will know with me, they will be getting what they see. Unlike most of those elected to the office of President, I won’t tell you one thing and do another. After all, who would believe me, the Prince of Lies, if I told them anything other than I would do what you expect I would do given my history.
Why did you decide to make your announcement here in Las Vegas? Why not somewhere else?
Because it is Sin City, baby!!! Sodom and Gomorrah ruled into one despite what the local Chamber of Commerce tries to portray now.
Besides, I am a huge Steven King fan. Love all his books. If you remember in his story, The Stand, he locates my capital here. Plus, I used to have great fun here with the Rat Pack. Even I get nostalgic.
(points to Bill O’Reilly)
Bill, you have the next questions.
Brian Williams sits down, and Bill O’Reilly stands.
Satan, you know the Birther movement is going to attempt to find out if you were born here in the U.S. and actually qualify to run for the Presidency. What do you have to say to them?
I say to them that if you listen to officials of various Arab nations and Iran over the past forty years, all you hear from them is that America is the land of the Great Satan. I rest my case.
What about religious Americans—Christian, Jew and Moslem—how will you get their votes?
Better the Devil you know, then the devil you only think you know. Again, instead of hiding behind a false piety, I will be straight with the American people. I am a liar, a cheat, a wrongdoer. I am Evil Incarnate! But at least, I am honest and open about it.
Bill O’Reilly sits down. Satan scans the crowd of reporters who are all raising their hands to get his attention. He settles on…
Tavis Smiley, you have the next question.
Tavis Smiley stands.
Satan, what do you have to offer Black America?
Thank you for that question, Tavis. I offer Black America what I have always offered it: injustice, oppression, drugs, gang violence, substandard education, unemployment. Nothing new. The oldies but goodies.
No hope? No chance for improvement?
(shaking his head)
Not in your lifetime.
And not until I cash in Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson’s contracts.
Tavis Smiley sits down.
Satan again looks around the room and picks the next reporter.
Scott Pelley. What are your questions?
Scott Pelley stands.
Are you running as a Republican or a Democrat?
As an Independent. I don’t get along well with others. If you don’t believe me, just ask God and the Archangels. They’ll tell you I have issues with authority and don’t play well with others.
How will you finance your campaign?
Contributions, both legal and illegal, from those I have helped in the past. Plus I am sure there will be no shortage of PAC money from corporations and unions in exchange for quid pro quos that I have no intention of keeping.
Why would they help fund you knowing you don’t intend to keep your commitments to them?
Because they will want to believe against hope that I really will honor my deals with them. It is human nature. I know what I am talking about. I’ve been in the human nature game for a long time.
I know it is early in the political season, but do you have a list of potential VP candidates?
I do. The short list includes Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Alec Baldwin, and…Keanu Reeves.
I understand the others, but why Keanu Reeves?
Because I enjoyed the way he kicked the ass of the fictional me in his movie, Constantine.
Satan takes a step away from the lectern and dissolves in a puff of smoke.