The Incredible ‘-age’

To be a conscientious tweeter, Facebooker, blogger, or social meteorite, you need a good understanding of grammar. Once you’ve mastered the differences between your, you’re, and ur, it’s time to move on to l=Level 2: word adjustment. “Age” is a great way to take a boring word (food) and make it exciting (gonna get my foodage on!) The rich history of this useful tool finds its roots in the work of poet/philosopher George Castanza, purveyor and explainer of shrinkage. Below are the top three ways to use “age” to make yourself a more exciting writer and human.


Looking for a smooth way to bring up your past as a unicorn wrangler? Instead of heavy terms like “past” or “criminal record,” use the most whimsical term possible for your extensive cat tooth collection — baggage! Everyone has it, and by comparing it to a floral suitcase, you make it seem like a fun addition to a relationship or workplace. Below are a few examples to help you better use this term.

  • Ex-girlfriend: not baggage. Angry fire-eater ex-girlfriend: baggage.
  • Awkward dance moves: not baggage. Awkward dance moves with 2 million Youtube hits: baggage.
  • Random thoughts: not baggage. Random thoughts written on stranger’s furniture in finger paint: baggage.

Not to be confused with luggage, baggage is free on all domestic flights and can contain as many liquids as you need.


When you’re in the middle of a vicious slap bet or slapsgiving, there are no excuses for delay. You can’t waste time trying to describe what’s about to happen — slapocalypse, slaporama, or the glitzy slaptacular. Slappage is the perfect general term for an attack to the facial region via palm and fingers. Just watch out in case things escalate to punchage. Once you get there, kickage is always close behind. Slappage is a noun and an adjective. So you can say, “check out the impending slappage” and also, “this is a slappage fest!”


Joe Bro, writer of The Big Cookbook for Bros, Dude, emphasizes the importance of “age” in recipes and fine dining. Look for beets with some picklage, eggs with some poachage, and fries with some seasonage. Here’s a samplage (starting to catch on?) from his most popular recipe, the Mancake.

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Add batter and chocolate chipage to the bowl.

Like, stir it up and put it on the griddle.

Flippage. Repeat.

I hope this little adage has helped you better understand the intricacies of this twenty-first century suffix. Feel free to incorporate it into your daily life. Its usage is quite clear and suffrage ensures that men and women of all ages can take advantage of it.


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