What’s good, fam? I’m your girl Candela from Team Valor and I am here to tell you why you need to join our squad. Let’s face it, you aren’t here to play hopscotch and dance with your Pokemon. You’re here to dominate and crush your opponents. We here at Team Valor understand that and we want to help you do just that. We roll 500,000 deep and have no problem murdering anyone in our way. I don’t care if the gym is in the middle of Times Square or in downtown Omaha. It belongs to Team Valor, baby.
We will get your Pokemon to the highest levels through daily training regimens and pure violence against all opponents. People will see you walking down the street and will come to fear your very presence. We are Valor, and they are nothing.
Namaste, my friends. I am head trainer and lead guru Blanche of Team Mystic. Have you ever felt a deeper connection with your Pokemon? When you’re battling, are you sometimes able to communicate your desires to your Pokemon without even saying a word? If so, you need to consider Team Mystic.
We believe that raising Pokemon is more than just training through battle and violence. You should get to know your Pokemon on a more spiritual level, ya know?
When you join Team Mystic, you are immediately given this special oil to rub on the foreheads of your Pokemon. You are also given an herbal tea to drink with your little friends. This will help you become one with your team and learn how to feel the vibes of the Earth.
Through the power of science, and maybe just a little sticky icky, you will become a master trainer in no time.
Hello? Is anybody there? Okay, umm … my name is Spark, and I’m the Leader of Team Instinct. At Team Instinct, we think you’ve just gotta get out there and do it, ya know. Who needs rigorous training to become a better trainer? You should do whatever you feel like.
Yea, we don’t have any gyms and we haven’t really won anything, but the five of us are really having a good time. Although my last four Pokemon have died of easily preventable diseases, I know that what I am doing is the right thing and so do the others. If you join us, you won’t have to worry about things like “responsibility” or “ethics” or silly societal constructs like “winning.” You can just have a good time wandering aimlessly and getting out in your neighborhood. Hugs and kisses!