As the world quivers from fear or overeating at the introduction of The Hot Dog Bites Pizza, I pondering the question … Does it bite?
This pizza has been available for a few weeks and it is possible that you have tried one by now, in which case one of your relatives may be reading this to other members of your immediate family all of whom are likely wearing black and feeling tearful. My condolences.
Taste: While, arguably, the entire concept is not in good taste, the actual taste is not terrible. … If you like fat … and salt … and regret. The pizza is very salty. For sure if you are being pursued by a fresh water predator ( and, let’s face it, you aren’t going to outswim it given your diet ) drop this pizza into water behind you to create an impenetrable saltwater barrier and you are certain to live to fight another day. … Thanks in part to not having eaten that pizza freshwater predator or not. And, with your stay of execution you can reflect upon how a life in which you made the decision to go swimming while eating a pizza is going.
Texture: The hot dogs are also not terrible. They are … tender ? This a relief. On a pizza that reminds me of 28 bar mitzvahs, the last thing i want is hard or rubbery sausage. As Hollywood’s Jason Biggs has taught us, that can ruin a good pie.
Social: This is a party pizza, a pizza to be enjoyed with company ’cause if you try to finish one by yourself you’re going to be in big trouble.
Mustard: Yeah …. Have you ever poured mustard on your pizza before? Me neither. There’s is probably a good reason for that.
Practicality: A low score here. Whether you tear off the hot dog bites beforehand or not there isn’t much of anything with which to hold a pizza slice by. Add extra topping and mustard into the picture and you might as well resign yourself to eating this pizza with a knife and fork.
Teenagers: Teenagers will poke the sausage out of the pizza dough blankets and proceed to be juvenile with them.
Slices: Apparently a slice of this pizza ( depending on toppings ) can contain up to 440 calories. If that is accurate then, in theory, an 8 slice pizza could weigh in at 3520 calories.
Limited Time Only: If you eat these you only have a limited time left.
Verdict: Okay to try one time in the company of good friends and/paramedics, so that you have witnesses to confirm that you did not dream the whole unlikely experience.
