Recent acquisitions by the ephemeral message service have been revealed in emails between Santa Claus and Various Correspondents.
Christmas CEO Santa Claus, formerly known as St. Nicholas, said last Thursday that he was “embarrassed” and “devastated” by a recent North Pole Hack into the super-secret Christmas database by an unknown hacker group called the “ANTLER” (Awesome Northern Tricksters Leaving Evidence Ready). Information obtained includes archived e-mails between Mrs. And Mr. Santa Claus revealing marital issues and marriage counseling due to increased holiday stress, odd credit card expenditures by Mrs. Claus and Santa, the naughty-nice list, as well as toys imported from China and workshop downsizing.
Santa Claus wrote in a memo to the Christmas Elves, “We will find and effectively deal with the ANTLER group after we’ve identified all members. I feel awful that anybody had to see this side of me, I mean the side that isn’t the jolly fat man everyone loves.”
The internal emails revealed that a correspondence between Rudolph (the red-nosed reindeer) and Santa Claus that Mrs. Clause was a “minimally talented cook” and “spoiled brat”. Insiders tell us the Claus Family is not currently speaking.
When the press reached out for a comment, Santa Claus had this to say: “Releasing our extremely private naughty-nice and e-mails is like releasing nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence. Why is the North Pole okay to hack?”