To all my Snapchat friends:
I am writing this because I feel I should address some misconceptions that have arisen over the past two weeks while I was visiting my great aunt in Italy. When I boarded the plane, my phone slipped out of my backpack just after I sent the Snap about how waiting in line for a stale sandwich sucked big time. Remember that? #truth. It’s still so true.
Anyway, that was the last Snap I sent. I wish to put out a blanket disclaimer for anything else you might have seen on my account over the next 13 days while some jerk played with my phone. Specifically, I did not:
- Knock over the elderly lady waiting for a taxi in the unloading zone.
- Get totally soaked by the checkered cab that pulled up for her.
- End up in my own cab that went to New Jersey instead of Long Island and cost an extra $75 for the ride.
- Slip on squashed grapes at the grocery store while trying to eat an apple.
- Get dropped by the paramedics while they were loading me into the ambulance.
- Get an intern who had never put a cast on a broken ankle before … that took three tries.
- Listen to my mother tell me what an idiot I was for falling and explain why she can’t come get me right now.
- Break my front door key off in the lock, nor is it the only house key I have.
- Get chased out of my own yard by the neighbor’s chihuahua.
- Have the grill in the backyard get hit by lightning while cooking my dinner on it.
- Get soaked by a sudden leak in the roof that appeared over my bed in the middle of the night.
- Miss the bus to work in the morning.
- Get on another bus that immediately got a flat tire as soon as I boarded.
- Have my email account hacked at work.
- I did not have to reset all my passwords for my work and personal accounts.
- Have my lunch stolen.
- Score 38,185 on Faster Than Light on my phone, but I am really jealous of anyone who did and I would love to know how that happened.
- Get slapped by my ex-girlfriend and her sister and their BFF.
- Walk 5 miles to the police station.
- Apologize for using a lost phone instead of turning it in.
I do want to thank everyone for all their show of support during my fictitious week from hell. You didn’t know that wasn’t me.
Meanwhile, I had the best two weeks of my life! You will not believe the awesome sandals I got in Venice or the cute guy I ate lunch with there. To. Die. For. I did get my phone back, but I’m supposed to get the fingerprint scanner working so nobody else can hijack it.
