Now, there ..is ..no ..need ..to ..panic. No ..one ..is ..in ..any ..danger.
Aargh! What was that ???
Oh … It’s just the cat. Phew.
” Make sure you bury that, Mr. Tiddles. That’s why bought the litter tray. …. And don’t forget to use quicklime for the teeth ”
Right! Where was I ? …. Oh yes,
NO ONE PANIC !!!!! ( not applicable to cat owners )
Recently ” someone who shall remain nameless ” …( I am not sure why we employed him. His paper work is really difficult to fill out ) … forgot to lock up at Monkey Pickles HQ ( not a tree ) & our mascot got out.
Regrettably, it is not the first time he has escaped from the tree … um … I mean office.
Monkey Pickles is fully cooperating with authorities …( Stay in school kids ……Your Mom needs a break over the Summer. ) … & has issued them with a health supply of humane tranquillisers also known as … beer.
Unfortunately, some of these seem to have gone off at the station & the police operation has overslept a bit. It is now well under way & a lead has already been followed up, although Mr. Monkey Pickles didn’t turn out to be hiding in the munches section of the local store.
If you see Mr Monkey Pickles in your yard there is no need to panic. Panic is a bad thing as it sounds a bit like picnic … & picnics may contain ham sandwiches. Mr Monkey Pickles is generally friendly & even helpful. You should fear nothing more than an enthusiastic face licking ( the high society ‘air kiss’ is skill that continues to elude him ). If you are eating a ham sandwich, whipped cream, a banana or duct tape, you should place these items on the ground & slowly back away. Ensure you keep eye contact & chew carefully until you point behind Mr Monkey Pickles & shout ” Look! Shiny paper ! “These are all items are genetically coded to emit ‘squish me’ pheromones. We have evolved beyond the need for these keen senses as the ‘squish instinct’ is generally only noticeable in humans between 900-17.00 Monday through Friday.
( * It is still possible for us to detect the whipped cream pheromone which sometimes comes in pie form & is released with a ” pffffffft ” )
For those of you who like a good old BBQ, don’t forget to clear up afterwards. Recent video footage has come to light of Mr Monkey Pickles helpfully lending a hand with the clearing up process by making many squishable items very portable … more numerous.
Authorities are trying to lure Mr Monkey Pickles into the open by leaving ham sandwiches on top of yard work that they don’t want to do themselves but have warned the public not to leave their patio furniture out at night.
Keep tuned to this channel for further public service announcements.