Monkey Pickles Live.me Giveaway
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An Official Monkey Pickles Hoodie + T-Shirt
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Monkey Pickles Meme Caption Contest
Aaaaaand the winning caption! Thanks to Scott Colgrove for his meme-writing expertise.
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Charlie, The Great White Squirrel Hunter
It’s his job and he’s good at it.
No, he’s GREAT at it. He is focused…constantly on alert. Nobody will get in his way…he’s an animal. Literally – he’s an animal. Charlie, to be exact. Charlie the Westie-Wanna-Be. (A story for another time.) When he’s inside, Charlie’s main goal is to snooze in front of the fire, steal the covers on the bed and lounge on the couch – legs hanging down, smiling in his sleep.But outside, he’s a monster.
His target? Squirrels. His goal? To rid the world of them one at a time, no matter how long it takes. January 21st is his all-time favorite time of the year. It’s National Squirrel Day. For him it’s like winning the four-legged furry lotto. He will train for a week. Give up extra dog bones. Do extra laps in the yard. He will get into his fighting shape for this day. This is his Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Birthday and New Year’s all rolled into one magical day that celebrates the things he hates the most: squirrels. The other day I even overheard him telling the neighbor dog that he’d pick up his own dog poop for a year if he could just catch one squirrel. He doesn’t realize it’s a day to celebrate the LIVES of the furry acrobats that eat our bird food. Nope, he thinks it is the day to get as many squirrels off the face of the planet as possible.Now, keep in mind that Charlie has never caught a squirrel a day in his life.
He’s never even come close. But he dreams about it. I can see his little feet running as he sleeps…his mouth twitching, his whimpering voice daring the squirrels to even come into his yard. In his mind and dreams he’s caught hundreds – no thousands – of these rodents with fat, fuzzy tails. I have realized that dogs still have to be dogs, and Charlie needs to fulfill his passion of being the Great White Hunter. We try to fool him by bringing home dog toys that look like squirrels (which must kinda work because he’s chewed the stuffing out of all of them) and we allow him to watch Animal Planet. Once again let me reiterate that Charlie has yet to come within three yards of these fast little buggers. And if he actually caught one? Well, the poor boy would have no idea what to “do” with it if he did! And the squirrels know this. My dog is kinda smart – but so are these squirrels. They sit in the trees and chatter at him, throwing empty walnut shells and telling bad white dog jokes. But Charlie is a trooper. He has dreams. He is planning big. One day, he WILL get ahold of one of those squirrels. And, being the sweet dog that he is, when he does catch one, he will probably invite it in to share his place in front of the fire. He will tell them to go get their family and friends, and that his mom will make them a chestnut casserole for dinner.But since I don’t believe in blowing up his dream,
I will continue to cheer him on when he flies across the yard in chase, ears blowing in the wind, looking like a small and hairy white Dumbo. As for the Squirrels? I’ll put out extra bird food for them to steal on National Squirrel Appreciation Day. After all, everyone deserves some love once a year – even hairy rodents.Funny Words That Start With E
These E words might get you wigged out, but don’t worry. An eft is on the way at the end.
1. Earwig
If this sounds scary and disgusting, that’s because it is. At first, you might think an earwig insect is named for some random reason. I hate to break it to you, but the name is because this insect actually crawls inside your ear while you sleep and wigs you out. So go on out an buy some cotton balls to stuff your ears with tonight, because you’ll never get a good night’s sleep again if you don’t.2. Eek!
This is what you’ll be shrieking when you realize an earwig has just entered your ear. Seriously, did you buy those cotton balls yet?3. Emoji
An emoji is a face icon that is used to express emotion when you’re communicating by text or email. It came about because people were getting so pissed off with each other over what they thought were snide comments, because you can’t read faces over the internet. Like when a person typed “so what?” it could set off a family feud, when really the person just wanted to know what happened next.4. Eerie
Not to be confused with earie, which might be something to do with those nasty earwigs. Eerie has to do with coincidence or a strange feeling. If you get an eerie feeling, grab your flashlight, Nancy Drew, because something strange is about to happen.5. Evitable
This is actually in the dictionary. It means avoidable. But everyone always uses inevitable, as in unavoidable. No one ever says, “Getting an earwig lodged in your ear was evitable, if only you’d bought those cotton balls like I suggested.”6. Envy
Envy is the same as jealousy, but somehow the connotation is a whole lot darker. Envy feels like it can be coupled with some sort of malicious acts of revenge, whereas jealousy comes with relatively harmless comments or judgmental looks. If someone admits to being envious of you, watch your back. If they say they’re jealous, just take them out to lunch and it’s all good.7. Eft
An eft is a certain kind of lizard. They eat earwigs, so if you are in the market for a new pet and you still haven’t bought those cotton balls, consider picking up an eft for yourself. They make great housepets and as I say, they can help keep your wigs about you.Carlos Dangler Keeps It Up
( aka The Wiener Texts It All … aka Anthorny & Click-A-Picture )
Yes, that’s right folks, it seems that even after strongly implying that he definitely try thinking about possibly stopping maybe, Anthony Wiener didn’t. But stuff is hard right ? … I mean, … It’s stuff ! … And hard stuff is just the worst. Still …. that is all the more reason not to take a picture of it & send it to everyone when you’d promised not to. That is literally being a big phony.After catching himself with his own pants down in 2011,
Anthony’s political career was ironically, in the toilet and flushed with success … but, again, only in the toilet sense. It seemed that the powers that be had decided that there was no place on Capital Hill for a leaky Wiener … except the toilet … but that was never going to be a workable solution, as many members of Congress are really really old. Wiener reportedly resigned so as to focus upon his family and personal life. Sadly, it seems that to achieve that focus Anthony may have had to use his “doodah” as a range finder and then have his artistic third eye appraised by an independent sexpert … pardon me … expert. Tragically, it seems all these pressures came to a head mere days before an article on the road back to a reconciled united family life was due to be published in People magazine. Anthony had gotten all texty once again. Speculation that Anthony had been under the impression that the photo shoot had been for Pee-Pee magazine has been widely discredited. Many commentators don’t feel that the private indiscretions are the contentious issue here but that it is a question of trust. Not that Anthony’s la-la wasn’t trust up securely enough but that this is a case of public trust. Apparently being unable to foresee such political banana skins and then having failed to avoid them not using them to discretely cover up his perpendicular pickle, are the sort of misjudgments that call Anthony’s suitability for a role in public office into question for many people. Are we being too hard though? And does that make us hypocrites … or is that just the case if we take a picture & send it to the affiliated press. Maybe, Anthony was confused by the meteoric rise to political stardom of Lyndon B Johnson and felt he needed to pull off a Johnson of his own. After all, President Johnson was in the papers all the time … albeit not tissue papers. Hence, in spite of being well aware that certain pictures would inevitably become public, Anthony may not have seen this as an offence he couldn’t jump clear of even if he did knock off a post on the way to winning the race for Mayor of New York. There are even characteristics that we should perhaps admire about a running Wiener that can handle plenty of exposure & shows no sign of wilting under pressure. He certainly is exhibiting staying power and, as yet, shows no signs of pulling out because of a sudden rush of blood. If he wins, hopefully it will be on merit. No one is giving him this job & thankfully no pictures of Anthony being given a job have come to light recently. Anthony’s bid should deliver on issues ( not a typo ) and should not catch the public’s eye with hard to swallow speculation. Speculations such as the plainly ridiculous claims that if victorious, Anthony would renege upon daytime obligations and turn out to be a night mayor. Whatever will be, will be and, thus far, Anthony Wiener remains in the race to become Mayor Of New York. Political commentators are hoping there won’t be a photo finish.A Philosopher, A Mathematician And An Idiot Go To Heaven…
Funny Joke Of The Day
Three men — a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot — were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before they knew what had happened, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. “Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering heaven. If any one of you can ask me a question that I cannot correctly answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to hell.” The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was exactly what he’d asked for. “Then, go to hell!” The Devil snapped his finger, and the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then said, “Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed this was exactly what he’d asked for. “Then, go to hell!” The Devil snapped his finger again, and the mathematician disappeared, too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill seven holes in the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot. “It’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to heaven.Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)In The Days Of The USSR, Two Men Stood In A Long Line For Cucumbers…
Funny Joke Of The Day
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a line for cucumbers. The line was a block long. It wasn’t that they loved cucumbers, but cucumbers were the only food around. Suddenly one of the men snaps. He can’t handle it anymore. “This is an outrage!” he shouts. “Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I’m going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!” He stomps off. His friend thinks about following him, but decides he doesn’t want to lose his place in line. So he stays. He moves a couple feet. A couple hours later, he sees his friend coming back. “Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?” he asks. The first guy responds, “You think this line is long?”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)Be More Awesome By Reading Monkey Pickles
You’ve been reading Monkey Pickles the past hour at work, ignoring the ringing of your desk phone and the boss shouting your name from down the hall. Just a routine day. Suddenly, in a rare moment of clarity that only happens every three or four months, you realize you’ve just spent an hour of your life with Monkey Pickles. You say to yourself “What was I thinking?
Join the Monkey Pickles Mash Potatoes Club
It’s better than watching an hour of funny cat videos on YouTube.
OK, it’s true that you might be in the majority of the population who pass the time at work watching cat videos. But, come on! How many cat videos can you possibly watch? The only explanation for people being mesmerized by an hour of cat videos is that there must be subliminal messages flashing on the screen. Messages like “You must watch ONE HOUR —> this cat video or cats will take over the world!” Cats are sneaky like that when they make their videos. Research has shown that there are no subversive messages shown on Monkey Pickles. In no way are you being coerced to read Monkey Pickles… Read Monkey Pickles… Read Monkey Pickles.Few activities will raise your IQ like Monkey Pickles.
There are a gazillion self-help websites that you could spend your time reading. Learn how to build a yurt for shelter should you take a wrong turn driving to lunch and find yourself lost in a rainforest. Or learn how to make a bazillion dollars by publishing a book about how to make a bazillion dollars publishing a book. This is not the stuff to be putting into your head, and certainly won’t increase your IQ. Monkey Pickles will teach you about “5 Things You Shouldn’t Put in a Box”, “3 Reasons to Not Shave a Gorilla“, and the very useful “Top 10 Excuses for Not Having Your Homework Done”. These are valuable life lessons to learn and keep with you. When life throws you a curve, don’t duck. You’ll know how to deal with it from what you’ve learned on Monkey Pickles. You’re IQ will soar. Get ready for a knock on the door by the Nobel committee.You’ll never have to watch the Food Channel again.
Admit it. When you’re home by yourself and no one else is looking, you participate in several indulgent hours of the Food Channel. Gourmet soups and casseroles. Rich cream sauces and desserts. Amazing looking main dishes with hard to say French names that translate into English as “meat on a plate with mushrooms”.And you won’t make a single one of those recipes yourself. Ever.
Monkey Pickles to the rescue again. You will boost your culinary capabilities by reading “Turkey Sandwiches with Bacon“, “BLT Sandwiches Yummy” and the ever popular “Grilled Cheese on Wheat”. Get involved in the Monkey Pickles community and discover the Boss PBJ. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray are no match for Monkey Pickles. Read it and dine well.The real reason for passing the time with Monkey Pickles.
Those people who read Monkey Pickles will agree with every one of these points. But those aren’t the real reasons they read it. They read Monkey Pickles to be a more awesome human being. You can be one of those, too. Put down that annual report or turn off the Food Channel and start reading Monkey Pickles. You can use a little more awesome in your life. A brand new way to see New York: New York PassWhat Does My Fortune Cookie Say?
We’re trying a different style of question today, more of a game, really. The rules of the game are pretty simple. Whoever responds first tells us here at Monkey Pickles what our fortune cookie says. The second person to answer tells the first responder what their fortune cookie says, and so on. So let’s get to it!
What does my fortune cookie say?
Two Men In A Pickup Truck Drove To A Lumber Yard…
Funny Joke Of The Day
Two men in a Chevy Silverado pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.” The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “Uhhh … I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “All right,” the clerk said. “How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a moment and said, “Ahhh … I’d better go check.” After a while, he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)
Watch Future Islands Rate Keanu Reeves
Attendees of Coachella’s Weekend 2 gathered together to participate in the festival’s own March For Science, an international series of walks and protests regarding the lack of government action toward combating pollution and climate change.
The march was led by band Downtown Boys after performing a 3:10 p.m. set atop the newly added Sonora Stage. According to the Desert Sun, the march began at the Sonora Stage and made its way to the Chiaozza Garden. The crowd was speckled with hand-drawn signage, including the words “Science is real” and “evidence over ignorance.”
Joe DeGeorge, the band’s saxophonist and synth player, explained the group’s reasoning for spearheading Coachella’s iteration of the Science March.
Coachella attendees joined hundreds of organized marches across the nation in the name of science and governmental responsibility.ll over the country, people are marching for science, and we’re doing our march here at Coachella. It’s not just about marching for a fact-based ideology; it’s about power and how the institution and structure that runs this country really value private wealth and capital above things like our health, our environment. We are marching because we value those things and we have to shout in this capitalist structure to make our values heard.