Ever Ride A Donkey Ninja?
At first glance, a donkey ninja may seem like a perfect way to get around.
They’re quiet, they’re stealthy and — of course — they wear tabi boots instead of horseshoes. But take a closer look before you decide against going with a samurai giraffe, a karate moose or the obvious yet tried-and-true kung-fu panda. The wide breadth and large stature of a donkey ninja makes them an easy target for throwing stars, and you’ll have to factor in several unplanned stops in order to reattach their hastily fastened tails when they inevitably fall off.
Donkey ninjas are notoriously defensive, and if you plan to ride one, you have to set aside time and energy to deal with confrontations that probably could have been avoided. It may seem to you like an overreaction to draw a Katana blade every time someone calls you an ass, but these are donkey ninjas we’re talking about.
Donkey ninjas aren’t all bad. The blowguns they use for offensive weapons can easily be converted into makeshift snorkels when hiding underwater from potential attackers, and their nunchuck skills are widely considered to be among the finest in the animal ninja kingdom. Their grappling-hook skills, however, are — in a word — lacking. Although quite skilled in anchoring the hook into the top of a wall, they can do little more than grip the rope with their front hooves while spastically kicking their back hooves against the wall, never gaining traction. It truly is a sad spectacle.
Like all ninjas — of any animal ethnicity, including human — it is often difficult to communicate with donkey ninjas. The reason is simple: When they speak, the words that come out are out of synch with the movement of their mouths. This poorly dubbed audio has made it difficult to take ninjas seriously since time immemorial. If possible, ask for subtitles, but DO NOT accept a font color that is the same as the background through which you will be traveling.
According to the Bible, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. If there has ever been a donkey ninja who doesn’t use any and every opportunity to remind you of that, I have never met him. Expect a large portion of your trip to be consumed with conversation like, “… was it on the back of a squirrel ninja? A llama ninja? Didn’t think so. Didn’t think so …”
When it comes to riding a donkey ninja, there are worse ways to get around. The benefits generally outweigh the drawbacks, but whatever you do, DO NOT refer to your new mode of transportation as “mule ninja” — unless you want to learn from a pack animal that sits and refuses to budge, where the phrase “stubborn as a donkey” comes from.
A Guy Walks Into A Bar With His Pet Monkey…
Funny Joke Of The Day
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “Now what?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)There Was A Man In Bulgaria Who Drove A Train For A Living…
Funny Joke Of The Day
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job; driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. – While we’re on this topic of accidents, joke or no joke. You should respect all other drivers and stick to the set traffic enforcement laws. I bet half of the readers, wouldn’t know what happens if you’re caught driving reckless on government property. If you find yourself in a situation, make sure you get protected and contact your local lawyer for more information. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air — but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. He walked out under his own power that day. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. He clearly hadn’t learned his lesson at all, as he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the room — and the man was once again unharmed. Of course, this meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal — three bananas. “You know what?” said the executioner. “No. I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the room — and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)
An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over 5 Years…
Funny Joke Of The Day
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?” The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad…I became…a prostitute.” “Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $2 million savings certificate. “For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.” “Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. The girl, crying again answered, “Sniff, sniff…a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.” “Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)Do’s and Dont’s of Guinea Pigs
Whether you stumbled upon a happy, chirpy guinea pig at the adoption center or one of your friends has a litter they needed to share, now you’ve got a new pet! The guinea pig isn’t that big, so you’re figuring he won’t be that much of a bother, but new furred friends will need some of the basics. What to do about food, shelter, and water? Who’s to know? In our vast and complicated world the answers are almost always impossible to nail down.
Fear not! Or maybe you should be. We’ve hunted down some of the staples for the four-footed creature that sometimes appears as if it doesn’t have a head or a tail. The football shaped rodent can be a handful, once they get a head of steam rolling, but when equipped with the right arsenal of guinea pig collection equipment, keeping yours in control should only take a few years of struggle before peace is restored to your home.
? No need. The latest research shows that guinea pigs
don’t use them. It’s something of a mystery as to where they habitually leave their droppings, but you’ll probably figure it out in short order.
DO Throw a Happy Adoption Day Party for Your New Friend
When you bring home that fluff ball with the funny chortle and giant teeth, you will want to share the love! Invite all the neighborhood dogs, cats, and birds of prey over for a celebratory lunch. Make sure that you don’t forget all the other rodents when sending out the invites. Oh, what fun there will be when you have everybody play Marco Polo in the pool! The squeals of terror as Mr. Whiskers the Persian cat closes in on your new rodent friend will echo through the whole block and the fur will surely fly! Don’t forget to provide some catnip, tennis balls, fresh fruits and cheese in a big pile in the middle of the yard for a free feeding area.DON’T Hang a Water Bottle
One of the real joys of having a little animal share your world is watching them forage! Now that you’ve given the little guy the run of the house, they’ll be sure to hunt down a source of food and water in short order. Don’t be shocked when you find him swimming in the toilet or sitting ankle deep in the potato cupboard. And closed doors pose no real restriction as his little sniffer that wiggles a million twitches a minute can sniff out potential food sources and then eliminate any barrier by employing his over-sized teeth. Wondering about a litter box? No need. The latest research shows that guinea pigs don’t use them. It’s something of a mystery as to where they habitually leave their droppings, but you’ll probably figure it out in short order.
DO Provide a Comfortable Home
Of course he’ll need somewhere to sleep. And they have those enormous choppers that love to keep moving. So a nice shoe or tissue box should do well as a bed. When you plaster some lettuce and carrots to the wall, he’ll be the happiest guinea pig on the block! The box should hold up well, so with the top taped on you’ll definitely know where to find the little buddy in the morning. If he really wants a soft bed, he can simply shred the box. Hey! Handy carry-cage and veggie flavored bedding all in one!DON’T Share the Cuteness.
There’s absolutely no need to tell your family and friends about the new addition to the family. Everybody is seriously fed up with their social media being flooded with super cute snaps of baby cats, dogs, humans and even giraffes. The big, blank stare of the guinea pig combined with their mindless constant chewing of whatever is handy is not something anybody wants to see. Refrain from recording your squeaky conversations with him, his excited gallop across the cage when you come home or their roly-poly bodies being cuddly. Just stop! Save us all! Now, are you all set? Feel like you’ve got the chops to tackle your tiny buddy? Great! So glad we could help.Raindrops On Roses And Unwanted Whiskers
Raindrops on roses?
Whiskers on . . . kittens?
Well, not exactly.
But, in honor of Thanksgiving, here are 10 everyday household items
that I am thankful for, and “why”.
1) Coffee Cup:
Thank you, Coffee Cup, for holding the most valuable, most important, most necessary liquid nutrient of the day.2) Q-Tips:
I love you, Q-tips. I know the experts tell us NOT to clean the insides of our ears (allowing the wax to do the job it is intended to do), but DAMN it feels good when I swirl your fuzzy, cotton tip around (and around and around), collecting all of the WATER and WAX and DIRT (i.e. ear crud). And, there is something very satisfying about discovering all that I have captured on the other end.3) Spatula:
What can I say. You help me flip my eggs every morning. I have tried using a spoon (when all of the spatulas were dirty), and the result is a blurred mess of white and yellow. It’s JUST NOT THE SAME. Thank you, Spatula!4) Sticky Notes:
The perfect sized canvas to write out all of my lists and ideas, and post them around the house. Even though I ignore them (most of the time), I know they are there. And, somehow, that makes me feel as if I have accomplished something. Thank you, Sticky Notes!5) Paper Clips:
Thank you, Paper Clips. Not only are you good at holding papers together, you can provide hours of entertainment, connecting one (to the other to the other), perfect for those with attention deficit disorders; not to mention, you come in handy when the need arises to gain entry into the locked bedrooms of rebellious teenagers (who shall remain nameless).6) Corkscrew:
Thank you, Corkscrew, for helping me gain access to the (other) most valuable, most important, most necessary liquid nutrient of the day.7) Channel Changer/Clicker/ TV Remote:
Thank you for indulging my lazy side; allowing me to sit on the couch and (channel) surf for hours of mindless entertainment. And, the only “sharks” I need to worry about are sitting on the couch, next to me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to annihilate the Food Channel, and cruise on over towards the Sports Channel. SHARKS LIKE SPORTS.8) Dryer Sheets:
Thank you, Dryer Sheets, for preventing me from “death by electrocution” in my sleep.9) Tweezers:
Thank you, Tweezers, for helping me pluck those unattractive, unwanted hairs that have no rightful place anywhere on my body. In case of unfortunate circumstances (and I were to fall into a coma), I have a designated “plucker person” to take care of those unsightly . . . whiskers. And, LAST, but certainly not LEAST –10) Toilet Paper:
There are a number of reasons why I am thankful for you,Toilet Paper. Actually . . . TWO.How to Make Gummy Bears
You’ve always loved gummy bears. What’s not to love? Adorable little bears that also taste great. So great that you never even felt guilty about eating the adorable bears. But alas, there are no more gummy bears in your local store. The store manager just had a huge fight with the owner of the gummy bear factory about which gummy bears are the best ones, red or green. The factory owner decided that the only way to get the store manager to appreciate red gummy bears is to take all gummy bears away from him entirely. But you shouldn’t have to suffer because of someone else’s dispute. The great news here is that you can learn to make your very own gummy bears right in the comfort of your very own home!
To make these delicious treats, you’ll want to have the following:
- Water
- Sugar
- Gelatin
- Your favorite flavoring agents
- Teddy bears
How to Make Gummy Bears – There’s Always Room for Jell-O!
Basically, the first part of this process involves making Jell-O. The classic recipes call for unflavored gelatin, but why do this when you know more flavor means better candy? You just mix the gelatin with cold water, and then you turn up the heat so that you can get all of it to dissolve. Heating up the liquid will make it so that you can dissolve more and more of the gelatin, so why not just put in as much as possible? More gelatin means…you guessed it…more gummy bears! If you have a truckload of gelatin anywhere around, just find a pot big enough to hold all of it (more like a vat) and then go to town!How to Make Gummy Bears – Induce a Sugar High!
What you’re technically supposed to do is first put in unflavored gelatin, then flavored gelatin. But where’s the fun in that? Instead of doing that, you have already decided to nix the unflavored crap and just use flavored gelatin, so the only thing left to put in is more sugar. You want these gummy bears to really have you bouncing off the walls. And by that, you literally want to be bouncing off the walls. You are going to attach coils to your shoes so that you can actually try springing yourself off of them after you eat these gummy bears.How to Make Gummy Bears – Getting Creative with Flavoring
Traditionally, gummy bears come in fruity flavors. But since you are in control here, you can make these gummy bears taste like whatever you want. If you have a penchant for soy sauce, why not try dumping some soy sauce into the mixture and seeing what happens? Who says that savory gummy bears can’t be good? And hey, this way, you won’t need to wait until dessert to have them. Because they’re not sweet, you can actually just eat these soy sauce flavored gummy bears for dinner. Want a challenge at the dinner table? Dump in a whole bunch of wasabi as well.How to Make Gummy Bears – Sculpting Time!
After you’ve mixed all the ingredients, it is time to actually make them into the cute little bears you’ve always loved. Of course, the easiest way to do this is to use little bear shaped molds, but if you want to give yourself more of a challenge, you can just try sculpting them by hand. Use your favorite teddy bear for reference of what each one is supposed to look like when it’s done. Or if you want to try something really out there, just dump the gummy mixture all over your teddy bear. Once it has reasonably dried, extract and rescue your teddy bear, and then put the hollow bear shaped gummy thing back together and fill it up with more of the gummy mixture. You know your teddy bears come to life when you are sleeping, after all, and wouldn’t it be nice to give them a real sense of purpose, rather than just having them do nothing but sit around all the time and look cute?How to Make Gummy Bears – Taste Your Creation!
Once your gummy bears are solid and you know you’ll be able to chew on them rather than having to drink them like the sugariest beverage you’ve ever had, it’s time to try them out! Whether you want to just pop them in your mouth, eat them with a fork and knife, or rub them on the butt of your favorite hippo at the local zoo before eating them, it’s time to taste the fruits (or any flavors you would have chosen) of your labor! Whether your gummy bears are fruity, flavored like soy sauce and wasabi, or just have no flavor but are saturated with masses of dog hair because that’s what you chose as your flavoring agent, you should be proud. You have now done what you thought only that grumpy gummy bear factory owner could do, and you’ve even one-upped him because you’re not even going to take it personally that people don’t like your new favorite flavor of gummy bear. You’ll even take your gummy bears to that grocery store owner and let him sell it. Just don’t expect anyone to buy them if you’ve chosen to fill them with dog hair.A Lost Dog Strays Into A Jungle…
Funny Joke Of The Day
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts rushing toward the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He stops and says loudly, “Mmm … that was some good lion meat!” The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” In a nearby treetop, a monkey had seen everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)10 Funny Words That Start With M
Mother of mercy! Wait until you read this list of magnificent words that start with M!
1. Madwoman
A madwoman is a crazy old bat. But the magic of this word is that you can instantly turn any female into a madwoman just by calling her one. Just say “You’re a madwoman!” and watch the sparks fly!2. Maestro
A maestro is an eminent composer or teacher of music. Technically, your kid’s school music teacher could be a maestro, but from the way they were plunking those piano keys at the last music recital … probably not.3. Maledict
This means to put a curse on someone. Be a good witch and don’t do it. Remember … karma.4. Moronic
I was wondering. Can you be a smart person and still do moronic things? Or can morons only do truly moronic things? Maybe smart people can just do regular dumb things? Or is this a case of “When geniuses act like morons”? Either way, it would probably be better to be called a dumb person than a moron. Moron just sounds stupider.5. Muffin Top
This is such a mean word. You take a muffin, and you know the top is the most delicious part. I mean, a whole Seinfeld episode was dedicated to muffin tops. But all of a sudden it’s an insult simply because some women wear jeans with too-tight waistbands and their middle bulges out. Yes, it’s an eyesore. But can’t we call it a muffin puffin? That would be soooo much nicer.6. Munchies
Residents of Colorado and several other states know exactly what this is, because marijuana is legalized and they can smoke pot. This causes the munchies. The rest of us only know about the munchies from reading about it, because pot’s not legal in our states, so how would we know?7. Mmmm
What you can politely say without opening your mouth when you chew.8. Mazy
This is an actual word that means something having lots of twists and turns, like a maze. So the next time your little toddler says something is “mazy,” don’t correct her, because it’s a real word. So there.9. Mane
You can substitute this word for “hair” if you really want to elevate your compliment about somebody’s locks. “Wow, you have a glorious mane!” If they reply, “A main what?” Then you can say, “Main head of hair.” Because in that case, they had no idea what you were talking about, so you have to talk down to them.10. Massive
Massive is one in a chain of words to describe something big. It goes like this: large, big, huge, gigantic, massive, gargantuan. See? Massive is almost at the top of the list, but not quite. Be really careful how you use it, because if you describe something as being massive when it’s really just big, you look like you don’t know what you’re talking about. Kind of like that moronic “mane” girl with the muffin puffin.
The Daily Post
Here is where you can gather your constant never ending desire to just comment on something without a lot of reading. We were built off of the the fun of short fun posts prodding, joking, making freinds, enjoying 15 minutes of mental recess so here is where it will start with our shiney new website.
Rules: Dont eat your keyboard, Mice dont belong in a trap, make your own ham sandwich, stay armed with a big red wiffle ball bat to smack someone, and most important feel FrEe tO tYPE likE THis, or hugz tyme Nao.
A Cowboy Rode Into Town And Stopped At The Saloon For A Drink…
Funny Joke Of The Day
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When the cowboy finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside and was pleasantly surprised to find his horse had been returned. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender had followed him out of the bar. As he rode away, the bartender asked, “Say, pardner, what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)8 Funny Words That Start With V
Some letters try to be all that, when they really aren’t. Take V. The letter V is a part of W, A, M, N, Y, and Z. (Yeah, that’s right, lying on your side and trying to be sneaky.)
V is like the spare part of the alphabet. Like one of those rusty old pieces of junk you have lying around in your garage and you pick it up and say, “I guess I could make something out of this.” But V still tries to be all sophisticated, right? Check out these V words.