Ah yes, the annual ritual of promising to do better and then probably quitting by mid-January.
Slither.io – Casual Browser Game or Epic Role-Playing Adventure?
Name Your Adventurer.
It’s the first step in any good RPG. You want to feel connected to the character.
You’re getting ready to hit the battlefield running; or- uhm- slithering. This is no time for grabbing a snack- this is what you’ve been TRAINING FOR. Don’t you remember?
It’s been… so long…
Yes, young hero, you DO remember… (unless you were born after 1990). Squinting at black pixels and moving in only 4 directions, you began this quest long ago playing Snake on your 1998 Nokia.
Now, you continue your quest on Slither.io! And this time… it’s PERSONAL.
So the adventure continues. Armed with nothing but your grimacing worm mouth, you enter the battlefield.
Funny Words That Start With H
What the heck has H ever done to you that it deserves this kind of hilarity?
1. Horrific
Somewhere back in time, Rachel Ray must have had a previous life. Because this combination of “horrible” and “terrific” is just something she’d come up with, right? Yet, it’s a valid word that’s been used for decades. The weird thing is, horrible is, well, horrible; but terrific is a word we’ve come to use as being great or awesome. In the dictionary, though, terrific can mean terribly, awfully bad. As in – fills you with terror. Kind of like certain recipes.2. Hairball
Talk about terror. You’re minding your own business, looking for your lost sneaker. When what to your wandering eyes do appear but eight tiny hairballs floating toward you from beneath your bed. Let your imagination run wild, because no scientist has ever explained the phenomenon of how lone, single hairs disbursed throughout the house, suddenly all communicate with one another to form the alliance known as the dreaded hairball.3. Honkey
Go with me back in time to the days of jive and the TV show, Welcome Back Kotter. White people were referred to as “honkeys” by African Americans. I’m not sure why this term was supposed to be so apt, but I’m going to presume it has something to do with white noses. I don’t know. But I feel it was a pretty benign term, compared to all the other bad words they could have chosen, and especially compared to all the bad terms that some whites have come up with for African Americans. Honkey could even be considered an endearing term. Unless you really do have a gigantic nose and a nasally voice.4. Hack
A hack is someone who has no idea of what they’re doing. They have no skill, and will probably screw up whatever job you give them to do. But a hacker is someone who knows exactly what they’re doing, has lots of programming skills, and will screw up any job you’re trying to do on your computer.5. Hairsplitter
Talk about tedious. A hairsplitter is someone who splits hairs. They look so far into the details of everything, that nothing ever really gets done. A hairsplitter will analyze the words you use, the way to do the most minute tasks and the way you look. Ironically, because of the stress involved, hairsplitters tend to be bald men with very little hair at all. Whatever you do, don’t let a hairsplitter near your head.6. Heckler
Jerry Seinfeld knew how to handle hecklers. Those annoying people in the audience who antagonize a perfectly good comedienne in the middle of their routine. Imagine going on a first date with a guy, and discovering that he’s a heckler? “So, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a heckler. I heck.” “I’d love to see your work!” “Great! There’s a stand-up comedy show around the corner. Let’s go!”The IRS Decided To Audit Grandpa And Summoned Him To The IRS Office…
Funny Joke Of The Day
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” said Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thought a moment and said, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removed his glass eye and bit it. The auditor’s jaw dropped. Grandpa said, “Now, I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.” Well, the auditor could tell that Grandpa definitely wasn’t blind, so he took the bet. Grandpa removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned auditor then realized he had wagered and lost three grand, all with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He started to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asked. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, was cautious, but he looked carefully and decided there was no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agreed again. Grandpa stood beside the desk and unzipped his pants, but although he strained mightily, he couldn’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinated all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaped with joy, realizing that he had just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moaned and put his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asked. “Not really,” said the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)PINK Funtime Candy Cloud Cotton Candy Machine
Funtime FT1000CCP Candy Cloud Cotton Candy Machine with Mobile Wheeled Cart, Pink
The Candy Cloud Machine boasts a commercial grade, 950-Watt spinner that can easily heat up in 2 minutes and operate continuously. Each cone takes about 30 seconds to make once the spinner has warmed up and the ingredients have been added. The Large Stainless Steel Bowl helps make collecting the Cotton Candy easy and gives everyone the advantage of looking like a Cotton Candy Pro! The Candy Cloud also has a built-in Stainless Steel storage drawer that makes keeping everything together easy. It has more than enough room to store Floss Sugar, spare cones, and anything else.
- Can produce 1 Cotton Candy Cone Every 30 Seconds!
- Fast Startup Time – Only 2 Minutes Until Machine is Hot!
- Cotton Candy Wheeled Cart Makes Moving Unit Around Simple!
- Perfect For Parties, Charities, Fundraisers, and Sporting Events!
- Stainless Steel Storage Tray Allows You to Store Scoops, Cones, and Sugar
6 Excuses For Failing A Drug Test
Sure, we’ve all done it. We’ve all walked into the bathroom with the plastic cup in hand and peed while saying a silent prayer. “Please, oh benevolent god of Human Resources, disregard the results of this test.” Turning the cup over to the nurses, we’ve quietly rambled through all the excuses we could muster for the inevitable fail we knew we’d receive.
Don’t let this be you. Next time, go prepared. Next time, bring this list of fail-proof excuses.
‘I’m Addicted To Chocolate Brownies.’
Undoubtedly, your potential employer can relate. The scrumptious smell, the alluring richness, the crunchy outside. Who can resist? Certainly no one you’d want to work for in this day and age. Go ahead and confess: You’re addicted to those brownies that your roommate may have sneaked some marijuana into, but you just couldn’t help having another.‘Pikachu Told Me To.’
Since everyone is playing “Pokemon Go” these days, use it to your advantage! Just explain that when you went to evolve your Pokemon, the creature told you it was time to get high. Given that you didn’t want to lose at the next Poke Gym, you had to follow his instructions.‘I Had To Get Ready For Halloween.’
See, you’re planning to dress up as Cheech and/or Chong for Halloween, and you needed some practice. And you heard there might be a costume contest at this new job and you didn’t want to lose.‘I Needed To Move Up To The Next Weight Class For Wrestling.’
Tell the company do-gooders that you’re having a hard time beating the guys or gals in your weight class for wrestling, so you decided it was high time to put on some pounds. We all know there’s no better way to achieve this than through getting the munchies!‘I Went To A Rave 10 Years Ago And Tried Some Sweet Tarts.’
Well, at least you thought they were Sweet Tart candies. Unfortunately for you, the girl who sold ’em to you was really selling something else. Anyhow, now it’s 10 years later and, gee, something from that night must still be in your system. And when all else fails, try the truth…‘It’s The Only Way I Could Get Through This Election.’
While this one may hit too close to home, certainly your employer can understand. No one can escape this year’s presidential election, no matter which side you’re on. Just explain that the constant noise from the campaigning threw you into turmoil. The only way out was to escape through some “medicine.”Help Us Write A Never-Ending Story
Everyone takes turns posting 1-2 sentence comments that continue the story. You don’t necessarily have to follow what the previous person was going toward, but you should use the starting point they left you. Most importantly, have fun! Here we go:
In a dark forest far, far away, the night was young. In that forest was a village, and in the village lived a man named Tom …
Do’s and Don’ts of Sleeping
Sleep is a nightmare for some people. You’re probably not surprised that the number of people with sleep issues is astronomical. It’s a whopping 40 million people a year alone in the United States, according to the Bad Sleepers Society (National Institute of Neurological Disorder and Strokes) that have chronic sleep issues. These sleep issues can vary for many reasons. For example, it might just be that you stay up too late, or it might be because you suffer from something like anxiety. If this is the case then it might be a good idea to try out something like CBD products as these can help you get to sleep quicker AND have a better night’s sleep. If this is something that interests you then click here for more information.
However, there are many other reasons that you might have chronic sleep issues. From insomnia, to trouble falling asleep, or being awakened each night by small, annoying children, and let’s not even talk about how screen time is killing our sleep. It’s called “blue light” and the prevailing theory is to put down your smartphone at least two hours before bed. Who in the world wants to do that? I practically sleep with my phone next to my head. Okay, it’s in my hand all night long, but how am I going to constantly check what my friends are doing on Facebook if I shut off my phone? Don’t make me damn you, I won’t do it! Alright back on the task at hand. Trying to get you achieving more shut eye, without resorting to drugs, counting sheep, or NyQuil. You know you’re chugging the stuff in it’s “off brand” use of making you sleep, admit it. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts of sleeping.
DO Use The Biggest CPAP Machine You Can Find
Instead maybe you should just sleep in an iron lung. You’re disturbing the heck out of your spouse anyway with your incessant snoring. Go sleep in the bushes. Alright you don’t have to sleep outside or in the guest room, but try to get the biggest CPAP machine you can find. Those are breathing devices that you put over your face to help with sleep apnea. If you have trouble sleeping, nothing says blissful dreams like a big piece of machinery over your face. Or instead of getting one from a reputable doctor or pharmacy, it’s a fun family project to make your own. Here’s what you’ll need… a rubber hose or garden hose is fine, a Halloween mask, ear plugs for your wife (because this isn’t really going to work), and a bag of M&M’s. The last one is for a snack when you can’t sleep. Don’t share any with your wife unless she stops complaining about your snoring.DO Take a Few Shots Of Whiskey Before Bed
Whiskey has been around for centuries. It’s a totally natural substance that isn’t chock full of chemical additives. It’s aged in a barrel for goodness sake! Invest in a bottle of the good stuff, not the rot gut that your buddy keeps trying to get you to drink, but a real name brand top shelf liquor. Then do 5 shots real quick. The lush liquid gold will lull you to sleep in no time flat.DON’T Sleep During Your Company’s Meeting
Just kidding! You don’t have a job. With all that crazy snoring at night, you don’t wake up early enough to maintain steady employment, do you? Plus, since you’re probably a narcoleptic, it’s too hard for you to stay awake during the day. You might want to get a job where napping is totally acceptable. This job is located in Japan. Seriously! They don’t mind if you sleep over there, in fact they actually have designated napping areas at some companies. At Hugo Inc, employees can take a half hour nap anytime between 1-4 pm. How about that for employer of the year? I wonder if you can bring a Snuggie with you to work? Or a pillow. And maybe a little chocolate mint left on the desk. A cup of warm milk would be nice too. On second thought, just stay home.DON’T Take an Ambien, Drink Wine, and Stay Up
This may seem like common sense, but unless you are up for a terrific blackout experience, where you do a bunch of totally crazy things that your spouse tells you about the next day. When you mix Ambien, alcohol, and resist the medications natural ability to make you fall asleep, you are in for a world of uncertainty. I’ll be honest with you, I once went to Denny’s in a lace body suit hopped up on Ambien, and ordered food for the entire restaurant at 3 am. No one should have to face a $500 Denny’s bill. No one. And what were so many people doing at Denny’s in the middle of the night? Well, if you smoke enough pot eventually you get hungry and need a little “Moons Over My Hammy” to complete your night, ya worthless dirty hippies. Maybe I’m still a little bitter over the experience, but take our advice, don’t mix this substance and anything. Or better yet, don’t take it at all. Learn some deep breathing exercises to calm your mind before bed. Getting a good mattress will also really improve your sleep quality, there are loads of mattress sizes to choose from so you’ll definitely find the perfect one! There are loads of different types of mattresses, so it’s important to make sure that you do your research and get the right one for you. If you are unsure about which ones to get, then why not take a look at these Organic Mattresses by Birch Living here to help give you a better idea of what you can. Make sure you try them out though and get the right one for you. Your sleep is important.Two Men And Two Women Are Sharing A Train Car Going Through The Alps…
Funny Joke Of The Day
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde and an ugly brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then, the train passes through a tunnel and the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a loud slap is heard. As the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The ugly brunette thinks to herself, I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert. The beautiful blonde thinks to herself, I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast. The Frenchman thinks to himself, I bet that awful Englishman was trying to grab the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake. The Englishman thinks to himself, I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)The Translation Wheel
This Translation Wheel remains
the most creative attempt to prevent gaming piracy. These Paper wheels came with the purchase of Gamefest Forgotten Realms Classics,a bundled collection of RPG games from SSI (“Strategic simulations Inc”) The outer part of the wheel depicts what resembles ancient Norse runic symbols that are original to the language within the game’s settings. The Espruar and Dethek Languages are based on fictional regions of the lands within the Forgotten Realms.During the installation process
of the games, you are requested to enter codes to complete the installation process. The in game screen will direct you to some of the runic symbols. You move the inner part of the wheel with a slight spin then the papers align to reveal a code through the wheel’s small windows. These translation wheels have remained the most fascinating gaming codes I’ve ever seen. Now get your hopes up folks for some amazing Rosetta Stone styled secret Monkey Pickles messages of our own. 1.A 2.B 3.C 4.D 5.E 6.F 7.G 8.H 9.I 10.J 11.K 12.L 13.M 14.N 15.O 16.P 17.Q 18.R 19.S 20.T 21.U 22.V 23.W 24.X 25.Y 26.Z September Secret Monkey Pickles Code: 15 22 1 12 20 9 14 5 19 21 3 11 19 Ok, maybe not the Rosetta Stone since it was about multicultural tax agreements. Let’s see how many of you can solve this easy code. Post your decoding below.[divider]
5 Things Shaped Like A Banana
Bananas are everywhere. Not only are they one of the first foods we ever eat, but they are known for offering an abundance of nutrients. On the other hand, they are often seen in video games, especially those made by Nintendo, and a frequent punchline for jokes- those appropriate for all ages and those that lean slightly more towards offensive. Finally, there are quite a few everyday objects that oddly resemble this popular fruit. Here’s a quick look at 5 items that are shaped like a banana.
The Moon
Quite a few children’s books involve not so bright characters who manage to stand on a rickety ladder and eat the moon after confusing it for a banana. When you think about it, it totally makes sense. The moon, when it is in certain phases, definitely has a banana-esque appearance.Macaroni
Whether they are stringing it together as a part of a fashionable necklace or gluing it on a plate to make a smiley face, many a kid has noticed the strikingly similar features of macaroni to bananas. They are right, which leads to one big question. Aren’t these kids a tad too advanced to be crafting with macaroni?Natalie Portman, Nicole Kidman, and Anne Hathaway
Yes, bodies can be shaped like a banana and these three Hollywood stars are classic examples. Think about it. Their shoulders and hips are about the same size and they have a short, non-defined waist accompanied by a booty that could desperately benefit from a few billion lunges. Essentially, they are shaped like a banana. Need a few more examples? Take a look at Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz. Again, a classic banana shape.Canoes
Simply add a coat of bright yellow paint and it looks like people are careening across the lake on a huge banana, doesn’t it?… Well… You Know…
Let’s not even pretend like this part of the male anatomy wasn’t the first thing that came to your mind when you read the words “shaped like a banana.” Everything else was just an afterthought, right?8 Funny Words That Start With V
Some letters try to be all that, when they really aren’t. Take V. The letter V is a part of W, A, M, N, Y, and Z. (Yeah, that’s right, lying on your side and trying to be sneaky.)
V is like the spare part of the alphabet. Like one of those rusty old pieces of junk you have lying around in your garage and you pick it up and say, “I guess I could make something out of this.” But V still tries to be all sophisticated, right? Check out these V words.
1. Variable
This is a word that you hear being bandied about in snooty financial offices. It’s perfect for V because the people who use it like to put on airs, too. “There are simply too many variables for me to give you a straight answer. Just let me keep beating around the bush until I wear you out.”2. Variance
A variance is a departure from the rules. Like if you want to build a shed on your property, but there’s a regulation against it, the town council can give you a variance. You can usually get a variance if you a) are friends with the councilman, b) are the councilman’s son’s baseball coach, or c) have buckets of money and everybody in town wants some. Seriously, that’s how it happens.3. Veritable
Veritable is such a unique word that is has no synonyms. It means real or genuine. It’s perfect with the other words we’ve covered so far. Let’s try it out. “This variable variance is a veritable disgrace.”4. Vexed
“Oh, now you’ve vexed me.” See that? It means angered, but it’s a lot less potent than anger. If you’re vexed, it means your brow might be a little furrowed, or you might shake your head a little bit. But you’re still willing to hold hands. If your boyfriend or girlfriend ever expresses vexation at you, don’t even worry about it. You just do you.5. Vocal
Obviously, if you’re vocal you like to talk a lot. Saying that someone is vocal is never a good thing. It’s a nice way of saying that you wish they’d shut up. “Gee, your dog is really vocal, isn’t he?” That’s code for, “One more night of barking and I’m calling animal control.”6. Vamp
Vamp is so weird. It’s used mostly as an insult, but it just refers to showing off. The word sounds like a cross between a hooker and a floozy. Well, hookers do show off. And floozies do flounce. So vamp would be a great new word for that.7. Viceroy
A viceroy is the ruler of a country, and it sounds regal. Viceroy [insert your name]. Don’t you just love the sound of that?8. Vacillate
“Tee hee hee!” Stop that. To vacillate simply means to waver between two or more choices. As in, “I’m vacillating between marrying the viceroy or the vamp. But the viceroy is too vocal and the vamp is too variable. The decision really has me vexed.”
A Man Dies And Ends Up In Hell – Funny Joke of the Day
Funny Joke of the Day
A man dies and ends up in hell. Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors. The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn’t have much appeal so the man moves to the next door. There he finds a similar scene but everyone is on their heads on rough hewn wooden floors. The man moved on as that looked worse. The third door revealed a vast chasm with far fewer people, all of whom are knee deep in sh#t drinking coffee. The man thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell and hey, free coffee, so he chooses that door. He gets settled in with his cup and his personal plot of shit and starts to relax a bit, when suddenly an inhuman voice booms through the area, “Alright everyone, break’s over, back on your heads!” Funny Joke SourceMore Funny Jokes!