3 Reasons To Not Shave A Gorilla?

With the price of razors these days, I’m lucky if I get one per year that I use to make myself look snappy for my Christmas Facebook photo.  I’m exaggerating, but I had a random thought the other day while I was buying razors — I actually have a lot of random thoughts about sandwiches and rainbows and a short story about squirrel ninjas who attack with staplers and a killer strategy — about shaving monkeys. Then, I thought monkey pickles! Why stop at monkeys? Let’s shave gorillas. Shaved gorillas would be a sensation.  I could make the announcement online, and the gorilla would eat golden bananas while he was being shaved. There would be a video and more than one instagram of the event, and once it hit the social media platforms, it would become the meme of the month. It would be more popular than the phrase go go Power Green. The video of this furry adventure would be more tasty than a salt tart. The idea would propel me into fame! In my mind, I was writing the list of stories I would tell to interns and to my kids about the fun we had when we shaved the gorilla. I would tell them about the bananas and the beach balls and the fire eater and how people wanted to spoon me after they saw the pictures on Tumblr. I was making a list of the paradise my life would be if I just had a video of myself shaving a gorilla. Why not?  I realized before the question had even left my mind that there was no way that I could even afford to shave a gorilla. It would take way too many razors. Then, I decided to get serious and make a top 10 list of all the reasons that you should not shave a gorilla.   Well, the best of those lists are the bite size pieces of information that you get in the first three points. The rest of the points are just a lot of blah blah blah that are about as exciting as a fruit ball full of hamster balls so I decided to cut the list to three.   And with no further ado, here is a list of the top 3 things that smell. Just kidding, I mean the top three reasons that you should not shave a gorilla.

1. You don’t have the experience!

Before you whip out your razor and expect people to give you a bunch of high fives for your gorilla’s new hair cut, you should realize that it takes a lot of training to shave a gorilla. You can’t wake up one morning, and say, I am bored, wheres wally, let’s shave a gorilla. It’s not like taking finger paint to cardboard. In regards to difficulty, I would say it’s more like making clay pots or finding unicorns who know how to ride unicycles while tweeting on twitter. Gorilla stylists spend time at tech schools where they attend workshops and learn how to dye hair yellow.

2. The fur can be used as a hiding space.

This may sound like a weak attempt at humor, but hiding places are essential especially for things that are easy to lose like car keys. If you’re short on time, you could hide something behind a jar of pickled eggs or under a bag of old squash seeds from last spring, but the best place is in a gorilla’s fur.

3. It looks horrible!

Most gorillas won’t get a job at a modeling agency, but there is no reason to give them any more excuses about their looks. Whether your gorilla is wearing rainbow scarves or sleek black bows or nothing at all, they look better now than they would without fur. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason to shave a gorilla, but I would be willing to change my mind if they ever invent a pasta with zero calories that I can eat soundlessly while talking on my mobile phone.

Grandpa

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And, Grandpa will eat his meal, sit down in his chair, unbutton his pants.            

A Day In A Human Hamster Ball

Had his ancestors paddled their way across the Atlantic on the backs of their servants to escape guillotines of revolutionary France for this ? The Count Froo-Froo Du Faa Flaa told himself he should have known better. Since he became principal at Low-down High Middle School he had strived to bring culture to Parirsish, Monkisota. The final year students were behind in the sciences & if this did not come off they would fail the subject but his faith in combining the outstanding practical coursework with homecoming was shaken. The Human Hamster Ball was not going well. There was the height difference for a start and a day was beginning to seem too long for a dance. He watched the small figures totter & wobble across the sports hall floor. Were they drunk ? Tired ? Had they been rolling around in the hamster balls too long ? And the hamsters looked a little drunk too.
Animal Party
Drunk Hamsters
Hamsters where notoriously skittish an often had a sly tipple to calm their nerves. They had rather overindulged after scattering in panic halfway through ” ham sandwiches ” as Froo-Froo was announcing what was available to eat at the buffet. Once the confusion had calmed down another oversight regarding the buffet became apparent as the hamsters stuck rigidly to the ” 1 food item of each kind on your plate ” rule but stored several more in their cheeks. … as did Joseph Botnosh … but he had a sexually unhealthy mind. What else could go wrong ? ” You boy! Put that dodgeball away. Sally, I warned you not to bring your cat. Joseph! Don’t kiss the rodents! A nice girl will pick you one day ….. from a police line up.”, Froo-Froo added under his breath. That boy was not going to turn out well. Certainly that step dad of his, Dickie Gear, was rumoured to be into some strange fetishes … not least of which was being part of a flight of stairs one night a week. If you yourself have a fetish or two you like to explore, Visit site porn-hd.xxx to find porn HD. What was that now ??? There was some goofy looking giraffe gazing through the bay windows. It seemed in a trance. Transfixed by the giant ornamental hamster wheel centre piece … as if the big wheel reminded it of lost glories & happier times. ” What are you doing here beast ? ” bellowed Froo-Froo waving his arms at it. ” Shoo ! Shoo ! ” With a quick glance behind it, to Froo-Froo’s satisfaction, the startled giraffe scampered off … mere moments before Froo-Froo’s eyes widened & he dived neatly to his left as a giant hamster ball crashed through the bay windows scattering rodents & students alike. One hamster was catapulted in to Joseph’s back. Ouch…. that was going to take some effort … & a lot of soap to rect-ify. Froo-Froo watched in amazement as the ball rolled a halt against the opposite wall. A hazy figure inside the translucent sphere righted itself, unscrewed the hatch & exited with a somersault to land in front of Froo-Froo. Froo-Froo was secretly impressive … not as much as if the figure had’t landed on it’s ass … but quite impressed. It was some kind of large monkey thing. ” My goodness man! Who are you ? ” spluttered Froo-Froo dusting himself off & taking a better look at the monkey man. ” What the heck happened to your head ?? Did a bee sting it ? ” ” I am Hintz ” the creature beamed in a blissful unsettlingly disconnected way. ” I like duct tape.” ” ? ” …………. ” And what are you doing with that Big Red Wiffle Ball Bat ? ” ” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!! ” * DOINK *

Do’s and Don’ts of Window Tinting

Window tinting is a great option for different reasons. Window tinting ensures privacy and prevents the rays of the sun from getting in the car and destroying the interior. It also allows you to make all the faces as you drive without wondering who could be watching. The truth is that settling on the right window tinting is as hard as hiding a ballad. Most people have ended up settling for less. Knowing how to maintain window tinting is also important as that is what gives your window that perfect look.

DO Consider Doing the Tinting Of the Window Yourself

This does not mean mixing different paints and applying on the window. You can always get a do-it-yourself kit sold in the nearby auto parts stores. This will help you to do the tinting that suits your needs. However, those that cannot manage to polish a shoe evenly may find it hard doing a window tint. To perfect the window tinting, you may first try tinting your shades.

DON’T Fail To Clean the Windows

Though the window tint may not display dust, it does not mean the tint scares dust off. Ensure you wash it with a fine brush, some water, a cotton clothing, and soap. It is possible to have dirt locked on the tint and this may cause some issues on the window. Avoid using anything close to ammonia to clean your window as this will alter with the tinting. However, if you want your window clear, you can try out some still and detergents. You of may use oil to maintain the shiny look the tint.

DO Avoid the Spray Window Tinting

The traditional window tinting has its advantages despite the spray tinting being easier to install. Ones you go for the spray tint, you will not be able to get the results you are looking for. Wait until you go for a spray window tinting and by mistake, you spray on a side mirror. The spray tint may be uneven and this means the window will not have a standardized tint. Despite how professional you may be, you may not be able to control the amount of tint that falls as you spray.

DON’T Forget To Check On the Areas Regulation and the Warranty

The window tinting for vehicles is regulated by the local government. This is mainly for security reasons. You don’t have to do a kind of window tinting that will make you collide with the law. Be sure of what the law demands before embarking on the window tinting of your choice. Failure to consider the area’s regulations may cause you to clear the tint on a day when you need it most especially when you meet with the hungry cops. The warranty should be reasonable in a manner that makes you secure as you wash your windows. However, a warranty covers only the tint and not the vehicle so don’t go complaining to the dealer that your car has engine issues.  

Halloween Haiku II

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Restless souls, waiting

for darkness to fall upon

the day.  Sweet rewards.

     

Pop The Cork …

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Pop the cork, clink the glasses, pucker up – Happy New Year, everyone!        

Eeeez Not My Drugs

“I swear Officer, they aren’t my drugs.”

How many times have we heard that line, on television? But this guy means it. The suspect, one Ricardo Magallanes, a student at the University of Texas at El Paso, is blaming the maker of the car he was driving at the time – specifically Ford Motor Company. He is so serious he is suing Ford. Magallanes was caught crossing the border with 112 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his Ford Escort. But as he says, “they aren’t his drugs.” He believes that Ford Motor Company was so loose with the codes used to cut keys to their cars that the drug smugglers obtained the codes, then used said codes, had a key made to his car, broke in to his car, loaded it with drugs, and turned him in to a drug smuggling mule. Blamed is a Ford dealership in Dallas, Texas. Even if his story is true and they aren’t his drugs, the entire thing begs questions to be asked even if they don’t have legitimate answers. Questions such as:
  • A Ford Escort? Seriously?
  • And why Magallanes’ Ford Escort?
  • How did they know which car, located where, within the boundaries of Texas and Mexico, the key they had made would fit? There has to be at least 6 or 7 Ford Escorts in and around Texas.
  • How did the smugglers know when and where this specific Ford Escort was going to be in order to put the marijuana in it?
  •  Being that the drugs had to be put in the car south of the border, how is it that this car, once parked south of the border, still had tires, rims, and any part that made it still drivable?
  • Why 112 pounds and why marijuana? Is that the most lucrative drug the smugglers could think of at the time? And why not an even 200 pounds or even 500? I mean, seriously. How much profit can be made from 112 pounds of marijuana?
  • Did the smugglers make multiple keys and distribute them ahead of time across the country in anticipation of when and where said Ford Escort will appear so the drugs could be retrieved and distributed?
  • Are the smugglers losing their edge?
  • Are VIN numbers used to verify the car is one of the smuggling cars and if so, when did the smugglers learn to read?
As a TV crime aficionado I know the drill. If caught, no matter what, the catchee must uttered, “they aren’t my drugs,” even when the drugs are in their possession, in their vehicle, or on their person. When all else fails, blame the person with you, or in the case of Magallanes, the maker of the car you’re driving at the time. Then rush home and file suit, just to reinforce your claim of innocence.

What Not To Say To Siri

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Chances are, you’ve heard of Siri. Even if you don’t have an Apple device, people have been buzzing on and on about the ability to speak into their iPads or iPhones and get answers to a variety of questions from this virtual genius. Siri can do all kinds of cool things. She can tell you where the nearest restaurant is or give you the information you need to finish that report on why monkeys like bananas. However, there are a few things that you really shouldn’t ask Siri or say to her. The following are a few examples.

Can I Run A Marathon?

There is a lot of information online that Siri is capable of finding. But she really cannot predict your future. She is an app on your Apple device, not a wishing well or some kind of oracle. So if you ask this, it will just be a waste of your time and your phone’s battery life.

I Want To Know This Because…

If you are asking Siri a question, you really don’t need to explain yourself afterward. Siri is there to answer any queries that you might have, not to critique your reasons for asking these questions or to analyze anything else about you. She has no interest in your reason for asking those last 511 questions about pickles. A human being might raise an eyebrow at your fascination with cucumbers that have been soaked in brine, but Siri really couldn’t care less.

You Suck.

Actually, Siri doesn’t suck. She is literally not capable of sucking. She doesn’t have a tangible presence in the physical world to be able to create any kind of vacuum. And plus, you just shouldn’t say this because it’s a rude thing to say in general. There’s no reason to be rude to Siri. What did she ever do to you to deserve that kind of treatment?

I’m In Love With You.

When you tell someone you’re in love with them, generally you want these feelings to be reciprocated. But this cannot be stressed enough — Siri is not a living being. Again, she is simply a capability developed by Apple to make your device more useful. She is not capable of love. It’s bad enough to be on the losing end of unrequited love when your object of affection is a human. It’s even worse when it’s a non-living virtual personal assistant. So really, just don’t even go there.

Do You Want Us To Have A Baby Together?

At this time, it would not be possible for you to have a baby with Siri. Some animal species can cross-breed with one another, but they actually have to be fairly closely related species for it to work. Considering that Siri is not even a member of any species, it will be a long, long time before there is even a chance that anyone will attempt to combine human DNA with whatever Siri has. And plus, imagine what that child would be like. Do you really want a kid who can only talk to you when your Apple device is turned on? If the answer is no, you should stick to your own species. If the answer is yes, you’ll want to look into bioengineering courses.

20 Funny Back To School Jokes To Annoy Your Kids

Before excitedly sending your children to the bus stop for their first day back to school, wake them up as early as possible, yell “I’m BORED!” and ask them for a snack. After you’ve exacted this revenge on them, read them these great back to school jokes!

If there is anything more maddening to kids than going back to school, it’s the fact that there are back to school jokes ready for them to roll their eyes at!

 
  Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder? A: To reach the high notes. Q: What kind of plates do they use on Venus? A: Flying saucers! Q: Why did nose not want to go to school? A: He was tired of getting picked on! Q: How do you get straight A’s? A: By using a ruler! Q: Why did the kid study in the airplane? A: Because he wanted a higher education! Q: What holds the sun up in the sky? A: Sunbeams! Q: When do astronauts eat? A: At launch time! Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point! Q: How does the barber cut the moon’s hair? A: E-clipse it! Q: What do librarians take with them when they go fishing? A: Bookworms Q: What vegetables to librarians like? A: Quiet peas. Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow? A: It always went back four seconds. Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college? A: Because it already had a million degrees! Q: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? A: Because it was always sweeping during class! Q: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school? A: She had bright students! Q: What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school? A: Pop quizzes! Q: What makes a cyclops such an effective teacher? A: He has only one pupil! Q: What kind of school do you go to if you’re an ice cream man? A: Sundae school. Q: Why do magicians do so well in school? A: They’re good at trick questions. Sources for these Funny Jokes, Back to School Jokes

More Funny Jokes!

Household Uses for Paper Clips

Paper clips have generally been seen as a very useful item. If you have a ton of papers that you want to keep together, a paper clip is your man. But we all know that with the advent of the internet, paper clips and anything having to do with paper in general is becoming increasingly obsolete. After all, why would you want to read an article about your favorite pelican at the zoo attacking yet another white tiger, having to flip all those pages and everything, when you can simply scroll through the same article online? But if you have a whole bunch of paper clips lying around, you can still use them even if you have no use for paper anymore!

Tie Your Hair!

You like your hair, but it is so annoying. It’s in your face all the time, and you have a habit of losing all the hair accessories you ever buy, so you have nothing you can use to tie it up. You have lost all of your rubber bands too, so it’s not like that’s an option. Have you ever considered using a paper clip to tie your hair? One of the great things about paper clips is that you can “unwind” them so that they are basically just slightly bent up metal rods. So what you should do is find your nearest paper clip, pull it into a straight line, and then put it around your ponytail. You can twist it up really tight so that it doesn’t end up falling off. You might end up getting poked in the head by the ends while you are trying to sleep, but hey, you were getting way too much sleep anyway.

Make Notes On Your Skin!

So many times, you have found that you are unable to remember when you have just done something. You want to make sure that the garage door is closed at night so that someone doesn’t come in while you are sleeping and steal everything you own. You’re particularly worried about your collection of rotten pepper rinds. You would be just heartbroken if someone took those. But sometimes, you forget that you have checked the garage door already and feel like you need to check it again. And again. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little reminder that you have already checked it? You could just write a symbol on your hand that shows you that you’ve already done it. Of course, it would occur to you first to use a pen rather than the business end of an unwound paper clip, but you gave all your pens to that homeless guy so that he could apply for a job rather than continuing to beg you for money. So what you do is just use a paper clip to scratch that symbol on your hand. That way, you know the garage door is closed and that it is closed for the night!

Use Them As Clip-On Earrings!

You always loved the idea of wearing earrings, but you can’t deal with even the thought of someone putting a hole in your ear. There are all sorts of really great clip-on earrings that you could wear, but the problem is that you don’t have any money. You lost all of it when you made that bet with your friend that he wouldn’t be able to eat the old chair in your living room. It turns out that he has a much hardier digestive system than you would have thought. But you do have all of those paper clips lying around. And you could make some amazing clip-on earrings out of those! Just clipping standard metal paper clips onto your ears would be creative in itself, but if that isn’t enough, you can always do more. You can paint them or even put little bells on them if you wish!

Create Silverware!

When you moved into your new apartment, you never bought silverware. You really didn’t see the point. You hated the apartment and were barely ever there, and it’s not like you invited people over often…or, well, ever. But ever since your landlord removed that family of dead rats from inside the walls, you actually find yourself hating the apartment a lot less. So now you actually want silverware in your home so that you can eat there occasionally. The great news is that you don’t have to drop a whole lot of money, or really any money at all. In fact, you can use paper clips to make your own silverware. Normal paper clips are already silver, so the work is half done for you! Just twist and turn them and link them together, and you can make them into spoons, forks, and even knives. Makeshift silverware at your service!

The 5 Best Animal Selfies On The Interwebz

You’ll never believe these crazy animal selfies. Check out our top five favorite animal selfies of all time! 5. The Corgi Selfie
corgi selfie
Via corginthecity
It’s Momo the Corgi birthday again and she takes a corgi selfie to document the day! According to her instagram she is afraid of heights, is a stealth ninja, and loves to chase laser pointers. Who let the dogs out?   4. The Kitten Selfie
kitten selfie
Via Imgur
Little kitten is competing with the family dog today with this inexplicably cute kitten selfie. Has she out-cuted the dog? You be the judge. 3. The Kangaroo Selfie
kangaroo selfie
Via Imgur
True to his Australian nature, this kangaroo (not to be confused with wallaby) might have had a couple too many drinks last night. This intoxicated kangaroo selfie is brought to you by Budweiser.   3. The Sloth 
sloth selfie
Via Imgur
Sloth Selfie in a box. Need I say more?   1. Squirrel Selfie
squirrel selfie
Via Imgur
I think this squirrel has had too much coffee, don’t you?  

National Month Of Broken Promises

Ryan Seacrest’s ball just dropped.

You steal a kiss from someone, take a drink of whatever alcohol is handy and then you say, This year, I am going to …
  • Lose a hundred pounds?
  • Quit smoking?
  • Go back to school?
  • Take up fencing?
  • Learn to speak Arabic?
  • Marry Halle Berry?

Of course by the end of January you have gained fifty pounds.

You drove past the school but have never gone in it.  You ended up slicing off your big toe off with the sword and quite swordplay.  You tried speaking some Arabic at work and the jerk at work turned you into Homeland Security.  Then you got put in jail for stalking Halle Berry.  To top it all off you already bought your third carton of Camels just to calm your nerves.  All your resolutions and promises, broken.  Just like your front window when Homeland Security busted in and arrested you.  Arrested twice in one month.  2014 is not off to a good start.  

Just my opinion, but instead of making promises

for an ENTIRE YEAR that we know we won’t keep or at the very least will slip up on some time.  Only to make ourselves feel like miserable, lousy failures.  Why can’t we make resolutions by the month.  This month I resolve to quit cursing so often.  For the month of March, I resolve to not leave the toilet seat up and let my wife go buttocks diving in the middle of the night.  Things like that. Simple things for a short period of time. If you make it to the end of the twenty eight to thirty one days, you could possibly beat an annoying habit.  If not then try again the next month or try to do something else.  This way, one is not struggling with one or more difficult promises to keep for an entire year.          

What Are Some Stupid Things You Did As A Child?

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While a select few children in the world are brilliant prodigies and start playing concert piano in diapers, most of us are not working with quite so many pistons firing in our mental engines. Most children learn about safety and wise choices by trial and error.

What are some stupid things you did as a child?

Great Foods To Serve At Your Wedding Reception

You’re engaged! It’s time to plan the wedding. No problem, right? Ha! If you’re in the midst of arguing about what to serve at your reception, stop right there and let us save your marriage. No more stressing over fish or chicken or beef (and what to offer those pesky vegan and gluten-free friends). Just take these suggestions and run with them.

Candy

Who doesn’t love candy? You do, don’t you? It’s your day and it should be fun. And it’s an objective truth that nothing is more fun than candy. Serve an appetizer of gummy bears, an entree of chocolate bars, and offer all-day suckers or Dum Dums, depending how you feel about your family.

McDonald’s

We all hope that when our guests are eating, we’ll satisfy their hunger and make them smile. And McDonald’s is sure to satisfy their hunger, at the very least. Everyone loves their fries. And if you get the Happy Meals, your guests can take the toys home with them, so you don’t have to bother with party favors. Ordering McDonald’s is cheap, it’s easy, and it’s one less thing (or two less things! Happy Meals!) for you to worry about. Sure, some people hate McDonald’s. They can have a Dum Dum if they have a problem with it.

Bendy Straws

If you don’t have bendy straws, you aren’t having fun. That’s not a wedding rule, just a general life rule. You can’t eat bendy straws, but you will want them on your tables. A bendy straw brings smiles! No matter what drinks are served, from wine to beer to soda, a bendy straw just makes it taste better. So even if the McDonald’s isn’t very hot when it arrives, the straws will save the day. Note that bendy straws aren’t typically offered at high-end restaurants, so take some along on your honeymoon so you can whip them out and actually enjoy the classy joints you’ll be treating yourselves to.

Childhood Favorites

If you want to please the masses, why not go retro? Choose some favorite foods from your childhood. Buy a bunch of those cheap frozen pizzas or Kraft macaroni  and cheese. (We recommend using coupons if possible, or maybe asking guests to bring a dollar to cover their dinner. Weddings can get really expensive!)

Ballpark Favorites

If you’re feeling too much pressure to host, take the reception somewhere else. We suggest a ballpark. They have lots of room and no one cares if your party is a little noisy. Now, most catering companies probably won’t deliver to ballparks. Thankfully, ballparks usually sell food and drinks. Sure, they’re a little expensive, but you aren’t paying for them! Too many people to keep track of.

Vending Machines

We have all been to a wedding with a cash bar, so why not a cash dinner service? Set up vending machines all around the reception area, and stock them with anything you think your guests will pay for. Maybe even a sandwich machine or two. Make sure your invitations specify to bring cash, specifically lots of singles.

Chinese Fortune Cookies

For dessert, pick up a box of these suckers. You can get fortune cookies in bulk for a great price on Amazon. Way cheaper than offering cake or designer cupcakes.

If You Could Remove One Letter From The Dictionary, What Would It Be?

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Dictionaries are pretty full of nonsense.

If You Could Remove One Letter From The Dictionary, What Would It Be?