Weight-Loss Diet
Below is a generalized weight-loss diet plan. This is not catered to anyone’s exact specifications and this is more of a set of guidelines than a customized diet plan. If you would like to get a customized weight-loss plan of your own please contact us.
Meal 1
3-4 egg whites
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 scoop protein powder
Meal 2
3-5 oz lean protein (white fish, chicken, ground turkey)
1/2 cup sweet potatoe
1 cup green vegetables
Meal 3
Same as Meal 2 plus protein shake
Meal 4
3-5 oz lean protein (white fish, chicken, ground turkey)
1 cup green vegetables 1 tsp olive oil
Meal 5
Protein shake or 3-4 Egg Whites
Charlie, The Great White Squirrel Hunter
It’s his job and he’s good at it.
No, he’s GREAT at it. He is focused…constantly on alert. Nobody will get in his way…he’s an animal. Literally – he’s an animal. Charlie, to be exact. Charlie the Westie-Wanna-Be. (A story for another time.) When he’s inside, Charlie’s main goal is to snooze in front of the fire, steal the covers on the bed and lounge on the couch – legs hanging down, smiling in his sleep.But outside, he’s a monster.
His target? Squirrels. His goal? To rid the world of them one at a time, no matter how long it takes. January 21st is his all-time favorite time of the year. It’s National Squirrel Day. For him it’s like winning the four-legged furry lotto. He will train for a week. Give up extra dog bones. Do extra laps in the yard. He will get into his fighting shape for this day. This is his Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Birthday and New Year’s all rolled into one magical day that celebrates the things he hates the most: squirrels. The other day I even overheard him telling the neighbor dog that he’d pick up his own dog poop for a year if he could just catch one squirrel. He doesn’t realize it’s a day to celebrate the LIVES of the furry acrobats that eat our bird food. Nope, he thinks it is the day to get as many squirrels off the face of the planet as possible.Now, keep in mind that Charlie has never caught a squirrel a day in his life.
He’s never even come close. But he dreams about it. I can see his little feet running as he sleeps…his mouth twitching, his whimpering voice daring the squirrels to even come into his yard. In his mind and dreams he’s caught hundreds – no thousands – of these rodents with fat, fuzzy tails. I have realized that dogs still have to be dogs, and Charlie needs to fulfill his passion of being the Great White Hunter. We try to fool him by bringing home dog toys that look like squirrels (which must kinda work because he’s chewed the stuffing out of all of them) and we allow him to watch Animal Planet. Once again let me reiterate that Charlie has yet to come within three yards of these fast little buggers. And if he actually caught one? Well, the poor boy would have no idea what to “do” with it if he did! And the squirrels know this. My dog is kinda smart – but so are these squirrels. They sit in the trees and chatter at him, throwing empty walnut shells and telling bad white dog jokes. But Charlie is a trooper. He has dreams. He is planning big. One day, he WILL get ahold of one of those squirrels. And, being the sweet dog that he is, when he does catch one, he will probably invite it in to share his place in front of the fire. He will tell them to go get their family and friends, and that his mom will make them a chestnut casserole for dinner.But since I don’t believe in blowing up his dream,
I will continue to cheer him on when he flies across the yard in chase, ears blowing in the wind, looking like a small and hairy white Dumbo. As for the Squirrels? I’ll put out extra bird food for them to steal on National Squirrel Appreciation Day. After all, everyone deserves some love once a year – even hairy rodents.How to Make a Tutu
For as long as you can remember, you thought that tutus were the coolest thing ever. The opportunity to wear a tutu was the only reason you took all those ballet classes. The only problem is, you can’t dance to save your life. Saying you have two left feet would be a generous appraisal of your dancing abilities. Last time you tried to dance, you spent the last couple of minutes of it wondering what all of those ambulances were doing in front of your house. It turned out that neighbors had seen you dancing your heart out and thought you were dying.
But what you understand now as an adult is that you do not need to dance in order to wear a tutu. You can just wear a tutu for the sake of wearing a tutu. And you don’t even have to buy it in a store and have to deal with judgmental people wondering why a grown man would want an extra large tutu. You can make your very own!
In order to make a tutu that you can wear 24/7 until you smell like you actually have died, you just need the following supplies:
- Tulle or another type of stiff material
- Paint
- Ribbon
- Measuring tape
- Scissors
How to Make a Tutu – Choose Your Place on the Rainbow
The first thing that you need to do is gather tulle and ribbon. If you haven’t been able to find tulle, you can marinate some napkins in egg yolks or slimy garbage and let them dry, allowing them to become stiff yet pliable. You want the material that you use to be the very best color for you. Whether you’re using tulle or stuff that anyone else would see as garbage, it may be very hard to find material that is the right color. You’re the only person you have ever known that likes the color that is made when you mix traffic cone orange and lavender. So in order to make the material the right color, dump the paint of your choice all over it and smear it so that it covers all of the tulle or dirty napkins.How to Make a Tutu – Take Your Measurements
What’s the point of making a tutu if you won’t even be able to wear it? Obviously, you will need to make your tutu so that it fits around you, not your sister’s new baby. You might wish you had the same waistline as said new baby, but alas, you do not. So take that measuring tape and measure your waist. Whatever it ends up being is the amount of ribbon you are going to need to go around your waist. If you want, you can add an additional length of ribbon for not only the bow you will have to tie but to accommodate any weight that you are going to gain from your new love for peanut butter and jelly pasta.How to Make a Tutu – Cut from the Right Cloth
Now, it’s time to cut the ribbon, and cut a bunch of strips of the material. When you are cutting the tulle/dirty napkins, cut them into really thick strips so that you have the biggest, fullest, most flamboyant tutu possible. Normal instructions would recommend six inches, but why stop there? Make them as wide as possible, even wider than the length of the ribbon if you want. Make them so wide that you’ll end up having to wrap each piece all the way around the length of the ribbon. This may make the process incredibly difficult, but the end result should be worth it.How to Make a Tutu – Tying Up Loose Ends
Now, it’s time to take all of your materials and actually make a tutu. Take one of the strips of fabric/dirty napkin you have created and fold it in half over the ribbon. Then, tie it into a knot so that you have both ends of it sticking out. Repeat the process with all of your strips of material. Or, if you’ve always preferred to do things assembly-line style, just put all of the strips on at once and then tie the knots. Of course, each strip of fabric would have other ones getting in its way while you’re doing it, but who cares if you sacrifice efficiency for the sake of efficiency, right?How to Make a Tutu – Check You Out, You Tutu-Wearing Dynamo!
Once you’ve got all the strips of material on the ribbon, you are free to tie it around your waist and make a big pretty bow (or just an ugly plain knot, if you want a more masculine tutu). And now, you get to look at yourself in the mirror and see how amazing you look in your new creation! And it’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of…mostly. It doesn’t smell all that great, considering that dirty napkins went into its making. And the problem with the color you chose is that since no one likes that color, you don’t have any clothes in that color that would actually go with your tutu. But that’s okay! Simply dump the same color of paint all over your clothes, and you’ll be good to go!6 Hilarious Memes About Hating Weddings
Weddings are simultaneously the best and worst day of someone’s life. I know it is pretty fantastic when you’ve got brilliant entertainment similar to Asher Laub. The day is supposed to be about two people joining in a union together, but most of the time there are fires that need to be put out before the wedding can be enjoyed; Aunt Jan didn’t get her gluten-free salad entree, the florist brought peonies instead of carnations, and at least 84 people will arrive to the reception without having RSVP’d. SIGH.
There are also those of us who simply hate going to weddings. We’re single, don’t want to dress up, or can’t find anyone cool to dance to YMCA with after the dollar dance. It can be a point of contention for anyone who isn’t into the hoopla and drama surrounding the stressful event! We found some wedding memes for those of us who can’t stand weddings or are planning a wedding and feeling OVER IT!
Honestly, the best part of a wedding is when you get to EAT, amiright? Yes of course you’re excited to see your friend’s cousin’s daughter get hitched, but let’s be real: that orange-glazed salmon with red potatoes you selected 3 months ago as your reception meal is CALLING YOUR NAME.
There will always be people who bring TOTAL jerks to your wedding. You know, the girl who drinks all the free Pinot Noir and ends up throwing up on all the wedding gifts, or the guy who won’t stop requesting “My Neck, My Back.”
Kids are cute and fun, but they can also clear a room with the perfect screaming pitch. These needy creatures have no place at weddings, unless the wedding is held inside of a bounce house.
Arguably the worst part about having a wedding is the PLANNING! From food to seating arrangements and then to olgatopchii.com photos. There is so much to do! Everyone wants to get their opinion heard about how you should do EVERYTHING, but no one chips in any money or actual help other than being a human-sized gnat bothering you about how many tiers you have on your cake.
The truth is, weddings are stressful because they’re EXPENSIVE! Things like wedding dresses, venues are rings can be ridiculously pricey – although you can save expenses on rings by having a look at some unique wedding bands here, which are both affordable and high quality. The wedding industry is out for blood, and you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that you will need to pull funds out of your 401K to make this thing happen.
Then there are the people who simply have nothing but disdain for weddings. They’re long, they’re loud, and they’re inconvenient! There are probably people who avoid having friends just so they won’t have to attend their wedding, and can you blame them? Just send the new couple a gift card to White Castle and call it a day.
Honestly, the best part of a wedding is when you get to EAT, amiright? Yes of course you’re excited to see your friend’s cousin’s daughter get hitched, but let’s be real: that orange-glazed salmon with red potatoes you selected 3 months ago as your reception meal is CALLING YOUR NAME.
There will always be people who bring TOTAL jerks to your wedding. You know, the girl who drinks all the free Pinot Noir and ends up throwing up on all the wedding gifts, or the guy who won’t stop requesting “My Neck, My Back.”
Kids are cute and fun, but they can also clear a room with the perfect screaming pitch. These needy creatures have no place at weddings, unless the wedding is held inside of a bounce house.
Arguably the worst part about having a wedding is the PLANNING! From food to seating arrangements and then to olgatopchii.com photos. There is so much to do! Everyone wants to get their opinion heard about how you should do EVERYTHING, but no one chips in any money or actual help other than being a human-sized gnat bothering you about how many tiers you have on your cake.
The truth is, weddings are stressful because they’re EXPENSIVE! Things like wedding dresses, venues are rings can be ridiculously pricey – although you can save expenses on rings by having a look at some unique wedding bands here, which are both affordable and high quality. The wedding industry is out for blood, and you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that you will need to pull funds out of your 401K to make this thing happen.
Then there are the people who simply have nothing but disdain for weddings. They’re long, they’re loud, and they’re inconvenient! There are probably people who avoid having friends just so they won’t have to attend their wedding, and can you blame them? Just send the new couple a gift card to White Castle and call it a day. 
The Texas Secret To A Long Life
Funny Joke Of The Day
Everything is bigger in Texas, right? But did you know that also includes life spans? Many years ago, a tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life like he had, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!
(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)How Not To Make Homemade Fireworks
Homemade fireworks sound like a great idea. Who wouldn’t like the opportunity to make their own, rather than simply buying whatever you find in those sketchy tents on the side of the road?
Making homemade fireworks, however, takes finesse. If you decide to go down the utterly stupid road of making homemade fireworks, here are some things you should definitely not do.
DO NOT …
1. Play fast and loose with whatever ingredients you’re using in the mixture. Will everything turn out fine as long as you include a little bit of all the chemicals you have? Probably not!
2. Let just anyone in the house make the fireworks. You need to delegate this responsibility strategically. You might pick the smartest person in the house to do the deed. This is the safest and will probably result in a more typical fireworks show. You might also pick the least intelligent person in the house, which is almost certain to result in an epic show inside the home. Note that the less intelligent your firework maker is, the more fire extinguishers you will need on hand.
3. Skip learning about the different chemicals that turn the fireworks different colors. Do you think it’s useless knowledge? There are instruction booklets for a reason! And Wikipedia for an even better reason. If strontium nitrate turns fireworks red and barium nitrate turns them green, you should know about that!
4. Decide to eyeball it on the gunpowder. Even though a single ring of toy gun caps is plenty to make a loud bang, a larger pile of gun powder has to make a louder bang. For each additional dose of gunpowder you use, stand another 10 feet back when lighting the firework.
5. Use just any old container to hold your creation. Most instructions are going to call for some sort of metal container. If you use the wrong material for your container, you might end up with a different sort of beast on your hands. Good luck!
6. Light the fuse and then sit there to get a front row chemistry lesson. Flammable items and items that explode cause a lot of damage.
There are plenty of people who skim over instructions and say, “Yeah, that sounds about right to me.” With a quick online search, there are also hundreds of videos out there of what not to do when creating fireworks from home because people have failed to follow any kind of safety precautions. Then everyone gathers around the computer to point and laugh at the people who weren’t too smart about handling fireworks.
The reality is that if you’re making your own bombs, it will be a crazy game of roulette when it’s time to light up the night sky. You should consider just buying some from the roadside stand. Skip the trip to the hospital.
Monkey Pickle Your Pumpkin
Monkey Pickle Your Pumpkin
We here at Monkey Pickles thought that it might be fun for you to make your own Monkey Pickle Pumpkin.
So we made a little template to help mark out your pumpkin and found an awesome tip to keep it looking fresher than your average pumpkin.
Happy Halloween & Careful carving, Picklers.
We look forward to seeing pictures of your awesome efforts.
Preserving Your Monkey Pickle
After you scoop out and carve your pumpkin, dip it in a large container of bleach and water (use a 1 tsp:1 gal mix). The bleach will kill bacteria and help your pumpkin stay fresh longer. Once completely dry, (drain upside down), add 2 tablespoon of vinegar and 1 teaspoon of lemon juice to a quart of water. Brush this solution onto your pumpkin to keep it looking fresh for weeks.
3 Reasons To Never Kick A Beer Bottle
You already know not to step on a crack lest your mother suffer major injury. Likewise, you should never kick a beer bottle, but we don’t have a handy rhyme to help remember it. Beer bottles aren’t really meant to take a swift kick to the side. They’re really just meant to enjoy over the course of a long meal. (If you want to drink faster, you go for the cans.) Here are three reasons you should never kick a beer bottle in any direction.
1. It Could Lead To Suburban Wasteland
If you kick a beer bottle when you’re out walking around, you risk it going into the street. There, it’s likely to cause a car to spin out of control and hit that big mailbox down the street that’s shaped like a cow. (It’s a miracle no teenagers have defaced that one yet.) Even if no one is hurt in the crash, it could set fire to your neighbors’ lawn. Houses and mailboxes would start to catch fire, and before you know it, your entire suburb would be leveled. Everyone you know will have to pick up and move any of their belongings that weren’t destroyed in the fire, and there’s nothing suburbanites hate more than moving. And before you know it, your neighbors will be choosing between shining shoes on the side of the road and running away to join the circus. Is this the type of chain reaction you want to cause? Do you really want more circus clowns in the world? Wouldn’t you rather not kick a beer bottle and go to sleep soundly tonight in your little, not-burned-down-in-a-deadly-inferno corner of the world?2. You May Get Green Hair Or Suffer Poor Math Skills
Any hag can tell you that kicking a beer bottle is pure bad luck, so we really don’t recommend it unless you want to wake up with permanent green hair (whether it’s near the ides of March or not) and absolutely no knowledge of how to do basic arithmetic. If you’re thinking, “Gosh, that sounds ultra-specific,” you’re right! Those are the two biggest consequences that experts have observed in beer bottle kickers. Your remaining years would be spent yelling at kids who think that 2+2 = 4, with your wild, lime-green hair all askew and Einstein-y. You’ll forever be known as the crazy person in your neighborhood, all because you kicked a beer bottle on one fateful day.3. Total Internal Disaster
Let’s say you’re playing soccer in the house, and you’ve already broken two windows and a lamp. On the fourth kick, you send the soccer ball through one of the broken windows into the yard of the one neighbor who happens to hate you, broken windows and soccer all equally. Rather than go get the soccer ball, maybe you convince yourself to substitute a beer bottle. You rationalize it: The beer bottle has some rounded edges at least, and beggars can’t be choosers. Instead of deciding to kick a glass object all around the house, maybe you should pick out something a little less destructive. Have you considered a bowling ball? Or maybe a flamethrower? The house is too important to use a beer bottle.Household Uses For Charcoal
Using charcoal for uses other than pouring into your grill for a juicy steak seems odd, but chances are you have been staring at the giant bag of charcoal you bought when it was on sale at Charcoal Mart and wondering what else you could do with all of those chunks of carbon and ash. Well, there many other ways you can put that charcoal to use! We’ve collected our favorite household uses for charcoal just for you.
Create Your Own Beauty Products
Everyone likes to look beautiful. And what is the better way to do it than putting on a makeup complete with eyeliners and mascaras on your beautiful face. But, instead of wasting money on those expensive brands who promise a great discount of 5% to you, you can crush some charcoals and create your own homemade eyeliners and mascara. It will serve dual purposes; put the charcoals taking up your closet space to use and look beautiful without spending big for your make up kit. It also serve a secret third purpose of flaunting your creativity to others and market yourself next time they ask you to prove your creativity in those job interviews.As A Detox Shake
Be honest! Every time you saw a bottle of tar lying somewhere, you have felt the magical urge to gulp to pick it up and gulp it down your throat. But, you don’t want to die so young AND a virgin. So, what’s the alternative? Well, gulp down a bottle of charcoal shake instead. And it is healthy too! If you have any idea of what science is, you must have learned about the amazing dirt absorbing and detoxifying property of charcoal. So, voila! You have a new healthy detoxifying smoothie flavor to drink instead of the other disgusting ones you feel like vomiting after even having a sip of.Shine Your Teeth
You are at your home, feeling emotional, eating along with watching TV because you just had a break up two months ago. You are so emotionally broken that you have put all your body parts except your mouth and eyes to rest. And when finally those emotional clouds shed from over you, you realize what a mess you are and now, you want to clean yourself. But you realize that your toothpaste tube is empty when you try to brush your teeth after months. Don’t worry! Just put the charcoals out of the box, crush it, rub it in your toothbrush and start brushing. Doctors and experts swear about the cleansing property of charcoal. And you know it’s true because you saw it in the toothpaste ad while you were busy watching TV for two months. Why not put it to good use then? Although extended use of charcoal can become damaging to gums, if you’re actually wanting a healthy mouth you’ll want to gain the services provided by a dental practice such as this Dentist Santa Barbara and other clinics.Hair Dying
You are in your mid-thirties and your hair has started to lose its color already. You feel embarrassed to go out, show off your hair in front of everyone and you keep it tucked at all times so none of the elderly laugh at you when they see your white hair. You are also jealous of your friend’s shining black hair but cannot afford a hair dye like her. Well, use charcoal instead. It is also black, and rubbing it on anything makes it black! So, why buy those expensive hair dyes which promise you a natural hair color, when you can use the natural charcoal right in your yard? I bet you have never even thought about this creative method to color your hair black. Now go out and flaunt your natural black shiny hair in style.Household Uses for Pineapple
Who among us doesn’t love pineapple? Fresh pineapple is sweet with just the right amount of tart flavor, and it’s juicy and refreshing. There aren’t many people who would not want to have a pineapple in their homes at all times. However, many people don’t realize just how far the potential of a good pineapple can go. When you see the following ridiculously incredible household uses for pineapple, you will be kicking yourself for not thinking of them first. Literally, you will be kicking your left leg with your right foot when you are wearing a steel toed boot. But there’s no need for that – it’s way more productive to just get a pineapple and start putting it to use!
Catch a Sponge!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! That’s right, everyone’s favorite talking sponge loves pineapples so much that he actually chose to live in one. So if you want your very own SpongeBob, your best bet is to replicate his environment and hopefully attract another one. What you should do is get a pineapple and submerge it in your swimming pool. If you do not have a swimming pool on your property, just get the biggest bucket or container you can find, fill it up with water, and put the pineapple in there. Keep checking back to see if a sponge has seen it and decided to make it into a home. Once you have your sponge, you can try to make friends with it. Just be warned that most sponges aren’t as friendly as SpongeBob. Most of them won’t even respond to your attempts at small talk and will just sit there like they don’t understand you. How rude!Scratch Your Back!
When people talk about how great pineapples are, they are usually only talking about the edible part on the inside. No one ever mentions the outside of a pineapple when discussing its merits. This is a terrible, terrible waste, as the outside of a pineapple can be very useful too. They are rough and scratchy and are great for scratching an itch, especially that itch in the small of your back that you don’t want to scratch with just your fingernails. What if you end up ruining your perfectly manicured nails and the rabid donkey decals you so painstakingly put on them? And if you still have that pesky nail-biting habit, you’ll basically just be rubbing your skin with your nubs, which really won’t accomplish anything. Next time you have an itch that needs scratching, just grab the nearest pineapple and go to town on your skin! You won’t ever want to use just your hands to scratch an itch again!Become a Better Pickpocket!
As much as you love pineapple, you have always been annoyed that eating it with your hands left you with sticky fingers. And then you ended up with all sorts of unwanted crap sticking to your fingers, like straw wrappers and the mouse turds on the counter that are there because your cat can’t do her job and get rid of the mice. Sticky fingers, however, don’t have to be a bad thing. What if you’re getting things stuck to your fingers that you actually want? Next time you eat some delicious and juicy pineapple with your hands, try picking the pockets of everyone around. You’ll probably find that it’s so much easier than picking their pockets without the stickiness. Coins and dollar bills will be sticking to your hands like never before! Now, you won’t have to grab the things you want to steal, just touch them and they’re yours!Make a Unique Pizza Crust!
The debate about whether pineapple belongs on the top of a pizza will probably go on until the end of time. However, that isn’t what we’re proposing right now. Right now, we’re talking about using the pineapple as the entire base of the pizza. Instead of pizza dough, use pineapple slices. From there, you can build it up with tomato sauce and cheese, and perhaps extra pineapple on top! Those of you who love pineapple as a pizza topping will probably love this even more, and those of you who don’t – well, maybe the reason you don’t love pineapple on pizza is that there isn’t ENOUGH pineapple in each bite. This will make it so that you are eating more pineapple than anything when you eat your pizza, so that problem will automatically be solved. The phrase “pineapple pizza” has just taken on a whole new meaning, and an awesome one at that!Monkey Pickles – A Living History from Irrational Geographic
Monkey Pickles & Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Allergy Information : This article may contain nuts :D)
My first contribution to The Monkey Pickles Universe was a piece suggesting that its creator would merrily bounding around happily licking faces in innocent greeting & offer the quirky promise of a refuge from reality. Little did I know how right I was.
Before Monkey Pickles I was mildly enjoying a snowball fight in less sparkly group when Mr M.Pickles bounded through with his MP business cards ( written in Cheese Whiz on crackers ). I took one … & very tasty it was too.
Having washed it down with a scoop of snow I considered its message.
“ Don’t eat the yellow snow.” …. I probably should have thought on that sooner. … But there was also the invitation to this land of treasures.
” Yarrr !! ” thought I, duct taping a parrot to a shoulder & poking myself in one eye. “This be for me, says I to thee. Yarrr! ”
Further posts reported Bigfoot style sightings of Mr. Pickles, with his following of feral cats & his adventures in staying one bound ahead of the befuddled authorities.
Still nothing bad happened to me and no men in black suits & dark glasses appeared at my door with a special pen that …………………………… sorry. … what was I saying?
…… Oh yes, ” How curious. ” I thought. ” At this point there are usually white coats & butterfly nets. It is almost as if I am being encouraged to express the side of me that one school report described as …. complicated.”
” Cool ! ” I exclaimed to my dog, which didn’t really appreciate my revelation or pass comment upon it, ” I think I could enjoy myself here. ”
And it was with the profile picture of a flaming cat that I discussed the topic “What would you do with the person above you?”… suggesting I crawl slowly across window sills pretending to be the sunrise while my accomplice set off a cockrel. This, too, seemed to go down well ( but not until sunset ) & again nothing bad happened. People continued to get up in plenty of time, continued to be friendly & welcoming & the sun rose as normal … & mewed at them.
There were fewer than 300 Monkey Picklers back then but like moths to a cat of fire ( Stoopid moths. I’m not The Moon. I’m a cat & I’m in trouble. Fetch help. No, don’t come closer yo ….. Well now you’re going to have to walk home, aren’t you? ) … more wonderful individual minds arrived to find that they too could ‘share’ without the fear of medical intervention.
And such adventures I had.
I invented the game, ” What’s The Anti-Matter? “. Created new species such as Soap Bubble Puppies & the Hugapotamus ... And became a King.
I even survived a challenge to my throne, tricking the simple turncoat, through his love for chocolate, into lordship of what was actually The Royal Kitty Litter.
” What has that to do with chocolate? “, you say.
Well sadly .. kitty isn’t in th best of health these days. But …shush. Don’t say anything because Lord Kitty-Litter is still really pleased that the chocolate isn’t fattening.
I now know the wonders of duct tape & of BRWBBs, have mastered the ninja battle cry of SPARKLES! I HAZ DEM, appreciate the value of the Wong answer and now realise that what is missing from a good snowball fight is a variety of interesting & suspiciously pungent soft centres. And yet there is so much more from too many under recognised brilliant minds.
The wisdom of your contributions simply cannot be measured.
And although it is wonderful exploring my imagination, getting lost & not finding my way out again … despite the trail of bread crumbs (very tasty) it is YOU, my fellow Picklers, that make it all possible. I have learnt & enjoy so much from you. My horizons have been expanded to such an extent that they contain shipping lanes.
Thank you all so so much.
(Compliments contain dairy product & must be consumed by egos within date)
Further posts reported Bigfoot style sightings of Mr. Pickles, with his following of feral cats & his adventures in staying one bound ahead of the befuddled authorities.
Still nothing bad happened to me and no men in black suits & dark glasses appeared at my door with a special pen that …………………………… sorry. … what was I saying?
…… Oh yes, ” How curious. ” I thought. ” At this point there are usually white coats & butterfly nets. It is almost as if I am being encouraged to express the side of me that one school report described as …. complicated.”
” Cool ! ” I exclaimed to my dog, which didn’t really appreciate my revelation or pass comment upon it, ” I think I could enjoy myself here. ”
And it was with the profile picture of a flaming cat that I discussed the topic “What would you do with the person above you?”… suggesting I crawl slowly across window sills pretending to be the sunrise while my accomplice set off a cockrel. This, too, seemed to go down well ( but not until sunset ) & again nothing bad happened. People continued to get up in plenty of time, continued to be friendly & welcoming & the sun rose as normal … & mewed at them.
There were fewer than 300 Monkey Picklers back then but like moths to a cat of fire ( Stoopid moths. I’m not The Moon. I’m a cat & I’m in trouble. Fetch help. No, don’t come closer yo ….. Well now you’re going to have to walk home, aren’t you? ) … more wonderful individual minds arrived to find that they too could ‘share’ without the fear of medical intervention.
And such adventures I had.
I invented the game, ” What’s The Anti-Matter? “. Created new species such as Soap Bubble Puppies & the Hugapotamus ... And became a King.
I even survived a challenge to my throne, tricking the simple turncoat, through his love for chocolate, into lordship of what was actually The Royal Kitty Litter.
” What has that to do with chocolate? “, you say.
Well sadly .. kitty isn’t in th best of health these days. But …shush. Don’t say anything because Lord Kitty-Litter is still really pleased that the chocolate isn’t fattening.
I now know the wonders of duct tape & of BRWBBs, have mastered the ninja battle cry of SPARKLES! I HAZ DEM, appreciate the value of the Wong answer and now realise that what is missing from a good snowball fight is a variety of interesting & suspiciously pungent soft centres. And yet there is so much more from too many under recognised brilliant minds.
The wisdom of your contributions simply cannot be measured.
And although it is wonderful exploring my imagination, getting lost & not finding my way out again … despite the trail of bread crumbs (very tasty) it is YOU, my fellow Picklers, that make it all possible. I have learnt & enjoy so much from you. My horizons have been expanded to such an extent that they contain shipping lanes.
Thank you all so so much.
(Compliments contain dairy product & must be consumed by egos within date) ‘The Walking Dead’ On Broadway ?
The Walking Dead On Broadway ?
With Season 4 of The Walking Dead about to begin in the US this Sunday Oct.13th, the BIG question on everyone’s lips ( including zombies that still have lips ) is …
Will there be more musical numbers and dance routines than in previous seasons ?
There really is no excuse not to include a few fabulous high kicking routines when your cast can detach their legs.
Is this the season Rick will finally realize that zombies have an uncontrollable compulsion to dance as established in Michael Jackson’s Thriller Video.
Life for Rick and his group could have been much less tragic if only the cast of Glee had survived …. or do I mean more tragic … I guess that’s a subjective point of view.
Anyhow, with no time left to lobby the writers we can only hope that this valiant effort from Bad Lip Reading has succeeded in influencing the funk and sequin factors for Season 4.
We won’t have long to wait before we know if we have to write in to save Season 5 from a continued lack of music and, frankly, monkeys.
Where are all the monkeys ?
Why Are Baby Hamsters So Cute?
A Short Story on the Foibles of Marketing
Have you ever looked at a baby hamster? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor, because those things are adorable. Every single one is like a bite sized Christmas of cuteness, capable of transforming a grown man into a helpless heap of silly smiles. In nature this is a positive force designed to make long work days bearable, but what if someone tried to corrupt this force of sweetness, and used its power for evil? Let me share the tale of Tim, the world’s cutest hamster.
GENESIS
When Fire Eater Industries’ marketing division found baby Tim in the forest, five interns were hospitalized for cardiac arrest. When they brought Tim back to the laboratory, they had to carry him in a special hamster ball made of lead. Even when they finally had him, safety regulations dictated that he could only be viewed through sunglasses. This was because Tim was the cutest hamster that had ever lived. Now, Fire Eater Industries was in a slump. Sales were down, investors were flummoxed, and cuts were being made across the board. Things were looking grim, but the CEO of the company had a plan. Now that they had secured the world’s cutest hamster, why not make it the company mascot? Surely with careful engineering, Tim’s natural cuteness could be transformed into an unstoppable force and set loose into the social media like a viral storm. With thunder, rain and a cackling laugh, it began.EXODUS
Within a week, the world’s finest fashion designers had been called to Fire Eater Industries to help create the world’s greatest mascot. Tim’s life became a flurry of scarves, booties, and hats. His soft fur was covered in the latest double-breasted suits; his tiny feet were ensconced in the finest Italian leather. Even his great big eyes were hidden away by a pair of sweet stunner shades. At the end of it all, Tim’s outfit was so fresh it caused inflation. “Adorable!” screamed the CEO, “He is ready! Unleash him upon the world!” An enormous showing was announced, and the local stadium was crammed to capacity with people clamoring to see the world’s cutest hamster. They patiently endured the summer heat, the pre-show entertainment and the terrible crowding. They endured everything, so that when the revelation of Tim was at hand, the stadium lights trembled with their anticipation. “Reveal him!” cried the CEO. And Tim was revealed. And there was silence.REVELATION
After a long and terrible pause, a man spoke from the crowd. “Where is Tim?” The CEO looked at him incredulously, and gestured to the stage. “Why, he’s right there! Where do you think he is?” But where the world’s cutest hamster should have been, there was nothing but a barely-mobile creature underneath a mountain of clothing. All of Tim’s wonderful traits had been covered up with snazzy gear, and there was nothing left to see. Jilted, the crowd turned sour, and such a ruckus broke out that the Fire Eaters had to escape by helicopter. When the dust cleared the next morning Tim was nowhere to be found. Nobody knows where he went, but rumors abound of a benign spirit in Wisconsin that travels from town to town to bring cheer to the world. They say he’s the cutest thing this side of the moon, and if you ask a person why they’ll shrug. “I don’t know,” they’ll say, “He’s just really great and genuine. Just doing his thing, you know? It’s all natural.” Rock on, Tim.Rihanna Can’t Rock Redhead!
