The rise of hipster culture in the United States has led to a number of highly impractical yet impressive trends in housekeeping. Why serve salad out of a regular old bowl like a commoner when you could serve it out of a mason jar? Likewise, why spend your hard-earned cash on plant food and fertilizer when you can invest a disproportionate amount of labor and turn your kitchen into a makeshift dump by composting your own?
From eggshells to table scraps, there are plenty of things you can turn into compost. Here are a few you probably shouldn’t.
It’s okay, we understand. You’re eager to impress your friends with how eco-friendly you are by doing your own composting. Resist the urge to toss that homemade lasagna directly into your compost bin. If you happen to botch a few recipes just to lend some variety to the compost, we’ll look the other way.
Your dog watches you all throughout dinner, just hoping you’ll drop a savory morsel on the floor while he or she is stuck with unappetizing dry kibble. Don’t break Fido’s heart by tossing the choice scraps from dinner directly in the compost pile. Sure, it’s tempting, but it’s also a guarantee that your pet will dig up your garden out of sheer jealousy and spite. Those azaleas won’t appreciate half-eaten meatloaf half as much as the family pooch.
Anything That Glows
While the idea of a super-powered garden is certainly intriguing (Captain Carnation, anyone?), it’s probably best not to put anything radioactive in your compost pile. As difficult as it can be to properly dispose of nuclear waste, you’re better off not feeding it to your garden. You know how these things start out. First, a spider gets into your radioactive compost bin and then it’s the mice. Next thing you know, you’re granting superpowers to your house cat just to keep the league of super-powered pests in your backyard in check. Who has the time between spin class and making recipes from Pinterest? That salad isn’t going to put itself in mason jars.
If you’re like most people, creating organic compost takes hours of your time each day. You wake up in the morning and toss your coffee grinds and eggshells in only to feel the deep emptiness that comes with a lack of proper composting materials. You’ve even considered having a larger family just so you’ll have more excess food to throw into the compost bin. The temptation to fill the compost-shaped hole in your heart with bagged compost seems too great to bear, but you must resist! It starts with one bag of store-bought compost and you think no one will know. The next thing you know, you look outside only to realize that your garden is spelling out your treachery in daisies and you have to move just to avoid the shame.
While composting is as rewarding as it is necessary, remember to avoid composting these items for the best results. Your garden (and your neighbors who aren’t fond of radioactive spiders) will thank you.