The Phallic Fallacy of Jelquing

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Get your jelq on!

If you’re ready to enlarge your penis with wishes and rainbows, we have some important information for you. It is not based in any scientific theory or fact, and may actually cause significant damage to your nether regions, so LET’S GET STARTED!

Jelquing is a term used to describe a physical exercise used to increase the length and girth of the penis.

The ability to literally cock-punch a cervix is enough to launch this shady pseudoscience into a trendy act of biological defiance. Jelquing is intended to increase blood pressure and circulation, thereby permanently increasing the size of your manhood. Positive, measured results are anecdotal AT BEST and make no sense biologically; nonetheless, guys still use this method of “milking” to enhance their members in hopes that they might turn their acorns into mighty oaks.

Still interested? Great.

Let’s talk about the technique of jelquing.

jelquing, what is jelquin, jelquing techniques, funny articles, funny jokes, satireFirst off, it’s in your best interest to “warm up” your penis, either my taking a hot shower/bath, or applying a warm compress to the area. This helps increase blood flow and opens blood vessels. Why is this important? Well, if you’re going to be jelquing, the common thought-process is the blood flow enhances the exercise and creates a “safer” environment for penile enlargement delusions of grandeur.

Next, you want to be at about half-mast; a full-on erect penis is not recommended for jelquing. Lubrication is necessary as well. Again, common sense is at play here, but we use the term “common sense” VERY LOOSELY, as none of this makes much sense.

Make an “OK” sign with your thumb and pointer finger. Start at the base of your penis, and slide down (up?) the shaft but NOT over the head. Repeat, using only light pressure. Start with short bursts of jelquing (5-10 minutes) only a few times a week. Stop if you experience pain or discomfort, or if this masturbatory-like technique causes you to get a full-on erection. SCIENCE!

Here is a NSFW video that goes a little more in-depth into jelquing:

In case you wanted to keep track of your “results,” we conveniently screen-grabbed this fancy jelquing chart from the video for you:

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“WOW,” you’re probably saying right now, “CAN I EXPERIENCE THE PSYCHOSOMATIC RESULTS OF JELQUING?!”

If you believe, anything is possible. You can will your willy into submission. The fact that your penis is an organ without the ability to change with physical exercise is subdued by the fact that you really want jelquing to work.

There are guys who swear on their penis-anxiety fever dreams that jelquing works. And that’s ok. We’re all about trying new things and hoping that they turn into positive investments. And maybe, just MAYBE, there are some lucky guys who have the capacity to grow their member with divine fortuity and some elbow grease. We’re not here to demolish the ideals of current jelquers. But if you’re thinking about trying out this therapeutic technique, we highly recommend consulting your doctor first, or at least your sexual partner: what if jelquing works for you in a- :ahem:- BIG WAY and your partner is caught on the receiving end of a bountiful Autumn squash that they didn’t sign up for?

Besides- we like you just the way you are.