Sleep is a nightmare for some people. You’re probably not surprised that the number of people with sleep issues is astronomical. It’s a whopping 40 million people a year alone in the United States, according to the Bad Sleepers Society (National Institute of Neurological Disorder and Strokes) that have chronic sleep issues.
From insomnia, to trouble falling asleep, or being awakened each night by small, annoying children, and let’s not even talk about how screen time is killing our sleep. It’s called “blue light” and the prevailing theory is to put down your smartphone at least two hours before bed. Who in the world wants to do that? I practically sleep with my phone next to my head. Okay, it’s in my hand all night long, but how am I going to constantly check what my friends are doing on Facebook if I shut off my phone? Don’t make me damn you, I won’t do it! Alright back on the task at hand. Trying to get you achieving more shut eye, without resorting to drugs, counting sheep, or NyQuil. You know you’re chugging the stuff in it’s “off brand” use of making you sleep, admit it. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts of sleeping.
DO Use The Biggest CPAP Machine You Can Find
Instead maybe you should just sleep in an iron lung. You’re disturbing the heck out of your spouse anyway with your incessant snoring. Go sleep in the bushes. Alright you don’t have to sleep outside or in the guest room, but try to get the biggest CPAP machine you can find. Those are breathing devices that you put over your face to help with sleep apnea. If you have trouble sleeping, nothing says blissful dreams like a big piece of machinery over your face. Or instead of getting one from a reputable doctor or pharmacy, it’s a fun family project to make your own. Here’s what you’ll need… a rubber hose or garden hose is fine, a Halloween mask, ear plugs for your wife (because this isn’t really going to work), and a bag of M&M’s. The last one is for a snack when you can’t sleep. Don’t share any with your wife unless she stops complaining about your snoring.
DO Take a Few Shots Of Whiskey Before Bed
Whiskey has been around for centuries. It’s a totally natural substance that isn’t chock full of chemical additives. It’s aged in a barrel for goodness sake! Invest in a bottle of the good stuff, not the rot gut that your buddy keeps trying to get you to drink, but a real name brand top shelf liquor. Then do 5 shots real quick. The lush liquid gold will lull you to sleep in no time flat.
DON’T Sleep During Your Company’s Meeting
Just kidding! You don’t have a job. With all that crazy snoring at night, you don’t wake up early enough to maintain steady employment, do you? Plus, since you’re probably a narcoleptic, it’s too hard for you to stay awake during the day. You might want to get a job where napping is totally acceptable. This job is located in Japan. Seriously! They don’t mind if you sleep over there, in fact they actually have designated napping areas at some companies. At Hugo Inc, employees can take a half hour nap anytime between 1-4 pm. How about that for employer of the year? I wonder if you can bring a Snuggie with you to work? Or a pillow. And maybe a little chocolate mint left on the desk. A cup of warm milk would be nice too. On second thought, just stay home.
DON’T Take an Ambien, Drink Wine, and Stay Up
This may seem like common sense, but unless you are up for a terrific blackout experience, where you do a bunch of totally crazy things that your spouse tells you about the next day. When you mix Ambien, alcohol, and resist the medications natural ability to make you fall asleep, you are in for a world of uncertainty. I’ll be honest with you, I once went to Denny’s in a lace body suit hopped up on Ambien, and ordered food for the entire restaurant at 3 am. No one should have to face a $500 Denny’s bill. No one. And what were so many people doing at Denny’s in the middle of the night? Well, if you smoke enough pot eventually you get hungry and need a little “Moons Over My Hammy” to complete your night, ya worthless dirty hippies. Maybe I’m still a little bitter over the experience, but take our advice, don’t mix this substance and anything. Or better yet, don’t take it at all. Learn some deep breathing exercises to calm your mind before bed.