DO’S and DON’TS of Hair Care

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DO spread your hair over a pillow like a mermaid

Finding the right hair care routine for yourself can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be impossible! It’s normal to feel completely lost about how to take care of your hair: Brushing? Washing? Picking the bugs out of it before you go out in public?! It can be a LOT to remember!

Fret not, Monkey Picklers. Hair care needn’t be a mysterious and nerve-wracking part of your daily routine. Follow our simple guidelines of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” to obtain legions of adoring hair followers to stalk you or at least follow you into the bathroom at Subway to tell you how much they love your hair.

DO Spread Your Hair Out On A Pillow Like A Mermaid

Even if your hair is in terrible shape, spread it over a pillow like you are laying on some coral in the sea, pining for legs or lobster bisque or whatever mermaids pine over. Take photos. These photos are the key to getting everyone to think you have a fabulously expensive hair care routine (because other people’s opinions of you are the ones that matter, right?). You can just plaster the intensely thought-provoking photos all over social media (Instagram filters are a must to create the fake glow of a thousand GloFish emanating surreal color schemes across your tresses), and you are now the envy of the masses over your hair care regimen.

DO Scrub Your Hair With A Scouring Pad

Want to get rid of a few layers of dead skin in your hair care routine? Grab a scouring pad and systematically scrub the shit out of your head with it. Even better, get a Brillo pad – part of the definition of a Brillo pad is “… made from steel wool impregnated with soap.” IMPREGNATED WITH SOAP. Was this gadget invented for exfoliating dead, flaky skin off of your dirty scalp?! I think yes. Use a firm force, as you really want the scouring pad to break the skin. Skin breakage means that the skin will need to repair itself, giving your scalp a new layer of protected skin to get scoured off again tomorrow.

DON’T Get Your Hair Shampoo At The Pet Store

I get it: you’re picking up some Fancy Feast for Spot, and you look at the dog shampoo like, “I wonder if I could look like this curly-furred bombshell on the label?” But here’s the deal: dog shampoo is expensive. Other than that, it’s pretty much the same stuff that is in your kitchen to wash dishes- I don’t need to look at the ingredients to know that soap is soap, and soap is pretty much shampoo. So don’t waste your hard-earned dollars on some pricey dog shampoo that may or may not make you look like a sexy Labradoodle when you can get the same crap in a bottle of Dawn for your hair care needs. Say goodbye to any and all other “hair washing agents” for your whole family; except for your dog, he needs dog shampoo because he’s a dog.

DON’T Be Afraid To Try Something New With Your Hair

So you’ve been watching Game of Thrones, or Vikings, or old episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess, and you see these wretches with devil-may-care attitudes and hair to match and you’re like, “That is SO me. I need to get the drapes to match my cold carpeted heart.” Don’t be nervous to debut your new medieval look: Dirty Chic is ALL the rage in hair care these days. To really transform yourself, do not bathe for a good 2-3 weeks, and forgo all societal norms for grooming. The key to changing your look is being authentic! If your hair is just not getting that “I just woke up in a trench filled with excrement and slime” feel right away, think about what a medieval fantasy-world prostitute would have in her hair: grease, dirt, spit, skunky mead, probably a frog, baby batter… find these structural components to complete your Dirty Chic hair care look!

Now that you’ve read all of our amazing hair care tricks, tell us some of yours!