In a cat’s perfect world there is no item more cherished than an open tuna can filled with dainty morsels just waiting to be devoured. Present that same tuna can with its metal lid still firmly attached and your cat will most likely give you a puzzled if not down right dirty look and then stalk away. You and the tuna can are no longer useful or edible. You are of no interest.
Sir Cat has decided to grace the human world with his presence and rate various items according to the purr factor. He promises to remain unbiased as he compares 10 items to the feline gold standard; that decadently fragrant open tuna can.
Bananas
A medium banana is about the same weight as a tuna can. But it’s the wrong shape and to a cat, not even edible. After a sniff Sir Cat’s decided to award you one purr for effort since this slightly squishy yellow thing does make a good scratching post. That is until he starts to clean his paws and gets bitter banana oil all over his tongue. Purr rescinded.
Hockey Puck
Big yellow eyes look up at you and whiskers wiggle. Are you kidding? This thing is the right shape but you can’t even get a decent grip for a good scratch. And that smell, like pickled underwear. No purrs awarded, just a haughty stalk away from the offensive object.
Big Fat Mouse
Ah yes, exercise and dinner rolled into one. Not to mention the entertainment factor of watching a screaming human dive for the nearest chair while Sir Cat does what cats do. Five purrs for this one, four if you get out the broom and chase the mouse around the room and spoil you cat’s perfectly planned ambush. Deduct another purr if you throw up while watching Sir Cat eat his prize.
Big Dumb Bird
Sir Cat isn’t impressed with that canary sitting in a cage day after day, making all those twittering sounds. What’s the challenge? Sit next to the cage and stare and the fuzz ball totally freaks out. Feathers fly, the bird won’t shut up and finally it ends up on the bottom of the cage in a catatonic state. Really, if cat’s wanted a big dumb bird they’d steal some of your fried chicken. One purr. Not impressed.
Your Last Vanilla Pudding Cup
The main attraction here is that that pudding cup is yours. The stuff tastes OK but even a cat can figure out that calling it vanilla let alone pudding is a stretch. But getting in your face while you’re eating it is enjoyable. Sir Cat gives three purrs for the entertainment factor.
Canned Cat Food
This is not tuna, anymore than hamburger is filet mignon. Sir Cat insists that if you resort to occasionally, very occasionally, serving this concoction that it be of the luxury variety. Served, of course, in a long stemmed, wide lipped glass of carved Irish crystal. Three purrs if this directive is followed; two if you go generic on plastic.
Tub of Cream Cheese
You should know by now that the house belongs to your cat and all surfaces are fair game. Leaving an open tub of cream cheese on the counter is too much of a temptation. One leap and pussycat is lapping away, that is if you haven’t lost your mind and bought cream cheese with herbs and garlic or vegetables. Ugh. Three purrs for the virgin cream cheese, one if it’s been sullied by vegetarian fare.
Cat Nip Sock
Forget the toy; just bring on the cat nip. Then again, putting a wad of this enticing greenery in the toe of an old sock does make it easy to cuddle, rub, scratch and chew. The purr factor goes off the scales as pussycat goes off into the land of little green mice and polka dot canaries. Rating? What rating? Sir Cat? ZZZZZZ…..
Your Hand
Sir Cat wants you to know that your hand, while not as attractive as an open tuna can, does have its place. Kitty scratches in all the right places will bring a solid five purrs. Using that hand to apply flea powder will get you a kitty scratch of the ouch variety followed by a desertion that sometimes lasts for hours. After several apologies and offerings of acceptable treats pussycat may once again grace you with his presence. Purr rating depends on the amount of groveling involved.
Water Balloon
It wiggles and jiggles and is just begging for Sir Cat to pounce. One claw and it’s instant bath for pussycat. This means war. No purrs, no cuddles, no snuggles. Just dirty looks, a haughty retreat and some carefully planned revenge. Oh was that your potted plant? Sir Cat thought it was the litter box.