Bluto’s Lament

random bluto


of the comic strip Popeye, looks back on his life.

Sittin’ in one of them self-awareness/self-improvement type meetin’s one time I was really put on the spot. Some imaginary judge somewhere ordered me to go to Anger Management classes to keep outta jail, see. Well, when they asked us to tell somethin’ not many folks know about ourselves, I was really put on the spot. You know, being in cartoons for almost a hundred years gives a guy a reputation what’s tough to shake.

Suddenly the counselor guy said, “Bluto?” What about you? Can you share today?” Takin’ a deep breath and swallowin’ that big ol’ lump in my throat, I knew it was time. Time to face what had torn me up, put me on edge and made Bluto such a connivin’, mean, really bad guy all these many years.

First I told ’em about the deep, dark grudge I held against all those producers of our comic strip and cartoon shows. I mean, why did they have to make me an overweight, unshaven sloppy guy? My belly bounces like that Santa guy’s proverbial bowl of jelly without the happiness attached. Folks, deep down, I’m a good feller, and all across the years they made me out to be downright ugly. Inside and out. And I always lost the fight to that pipsqueak, Popeye, and his dad-gum can of spinach. I hates spinach, turnip greens-anythin’ like that. Hate it, mind you. And that Popsqueak ALWAYS eats the stuff and beats me to a pulp. It ain’t fair.

And if that ain’t enough of it,

the deepest scar I’ve got is this: lost love. Why do I torment Olive Oyl? Why must Popsqueak protect her from the despicable Bluto? It’s all because of a different Ms. Oyl…Sunflower. Yep, Sunflower Oyl was the light of my life many years ago. And I let her slide away.
Oh yeah, we was close, we was. Real close. Her, a big girl, the opposite of that Olive Oyl…more my size, she was. We had a great romance goin’, really intimate, if you know what I mean. We were gonna run away. I was gonna get off the comic strip. Then she just disappeared. Gone! I couldn’t find her anywheres and her folks, Motor and Lavender Oyl, wouldn’t talk to me. They put a cap on that relationship and screwed it down tight. My heart was so broke the pieces rattled around in my chest.

Well, there weren’t no reason to quit the cartoon then, and I was so mad I really took to that bad guy character they made me out to be. My hurt, my scars, those deep dark grudges molded me into the character you know today. But the biggest secret, the deepest sorrow, was when Swee’ Pea showed up. It all made sense. Sunflower Oyl slipping away so suddenly. Motor Oyl burning to keep me from seein’ her. Even Olive Oyl kept a grudge coatin’ her heart for me gettin’ her cousin preggo. Yep, you see the picture now, don’t ya? Swee’ Pea is my child. Bluto’s baby was adopted by Popsqueak. Olive Oyl cared for him. Oh the frustration, the pain and agony to be a lost and forgotten person in the family circle.

So what if I’m mad? So what if I’m a bad guy? They made me this way. All of ’em. Do you see now why I am what I am? Grrrr, don’t this here writer know that’s Popeye’s line?

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