Calling in sick is the best thing an employee can do. Bosses don’t like to admit it, but the truth is that they really expect employees to call in sick just about every day. If you ask a boss what her employees are like, she will probably say her guys are “pretty good workers, when they decide to show up.” Since your boss really doesn’t expect you to show up to work today, or any day, you should go ahead and call in sick as often as possible. This is called “conforming with performance expectations.”
However, the problem with calling in sick every other day is that you are likely to run out of excuses. Your Uncle Maury can only die so many times before someone catches on. Thankfully, all you have to do to call in sick whenever you want is use one of these five excuses for calling in sick.
1. Blame Universal Influence
“I am in direct communication with the Universe, and it says I need to take the day off.”
The universe communicates to different people in different ways. To some it shows itself in signs like meaningful coincidences. For others, messages from the Universe come in the form of omens full of dark portents. For you, the Universe speaks plainly, in everyday, easy-to-understand language. And it is saying that you need to take the day off.
2. Blame Doctor’s Orders
“I am suffering from an acute vitamin D deficiency. My doctor said I need more sunlight.”
This is the best medical excuse of all time. First of all, it’s probably true. Who actually goes outside anymore? Second, if you are seen outside while being “out sick,” this means that you are simply taking your treatment. The symptoms of a vitamin D deficiency vary so widely that it can come back just about any time you want to take a day off.
3. Blame Interpol
“I am the focus of a multinational criminal investigation that will be fully resolved by Thursday.”
Dark and sinister forces have aligned to make you the subject of a massive international crime investigation, which will completely disappear by Thursday and never be mentioned again.
4. Blame Deadleg
“My legs have fallen asleep and when I try to stand up, I fall over.”
This happens to everyone. Who hasn’t had their legs fall asleep so hard that they have fallen down trying to stand up? Falling over with sleeping legs is extremely dangerous. You could die! Your boss will be so worried for your safety (as well as the safety of your family and the rest of your work associates) that she will probably ask you stay home an extra day to ensure that your legs are really well rested.
5. Blame Gravity
“My sandwich fell from my nightstand and I fell out the window trying to catch it. It was a club sandwich … you know, with bacon on it …”
Following a sandwich out the window — what boss can argue with this level of dedication? If you just show a fraction of that kind of dedication in your work, you’ll win employee of the month in no time. Beware, this kind of excuse is likely to make you a hero in the office and may even lead to a promotion!